Simple Minded

After reading several of these posts, my frustrating issues seem so small. Yet these teenage girls are still driving me nuts to the point of mental anguish and some resentment.
The g/f (girlfriend) and I have been together about 6 years, living together for the last 4 years and buying a house together. She has two girls who are now 17 & 18. They've lived with their dad for the last 2 or 3 years until recently. When the oldest graduated high school and turned 18 she moved in with us. Wasn't a big deal except she was always driving back to the other town to hang out with her friends. The youngest one started hanging out with the wrong type of kids which were being a bad influence. She didn't want to live with dad any more and wanted to move in with mom. She was told to finish the school year. She started skipping school and within one month ranaway from home 3 times. This is when it started putting a strain on our relationship. I was being very supportive, going with her to look for her daughter, etc. She missed too many days of school that it set her back a year. Now she lives with us too. She has straightened up alot. They both have boyfriends and friends with the neighborhood kids. However, these girls a lazy in my opinion. I know I grew up different, had chores to do, had to be home at a certain time, got punished for things I didn't do that I was supposed to or things I did that I wasn't supposed to do. There was consequences for my bad decissions.
They don't make their beds because "it's pointless, we're just going to get back in it". They don't pick up their clothes, rinse the tub, put things back where they came from, turn the lights off, etc etc etc. Their answer is to just shut the door so I don't have to look at it. Other things just seem to disappear that I use on a daily basis like perma-markers, paperclips, ink pens, and so forth. When I ask about it, I get the usual answer you expect for a 6 year old "I don't know" and that's the end of it. Stuff like this just irritates me. I've talked in a positive manner to my g/f about it how it's disrespectfull to her, me and the house they live in. She said she has talked to them about it but it still doesn't get done. I told her that she is not their nanny or maid but she'll come home from work, do their laundry, make their beds and on and on because she knows this stuff irritates me. The only thing that matters to them teenage girls is 'hanging out' and their cell phones. I swear that cell phone is a permanent fixture to the youngest ones head.
I do 99% of the cooking and make sure I fix enough (usually too much) for all. I'll say dinner will be ready in xx amount of time and they still leave. They wanted to be called when dinner is on the table ready to eat. GGRRRRR!!!! Then they might show up, but usually not for several hours, then find out they went somewhere to eat. Now I have this over-abundance of food that has to go in the frig, now it is called left-overs and they don't eat left-overs. They'd rather grab something from the freezer that can be nuked
(microwaved) or do without. Their mom buys that stuff, I refuse to. I've had to change my thought process of 'if they're here, they're here. If they're not, oh well'. I'm pretty much in a pissy mood anymore and try really hard not to show it. When it is obvious and I'm asked what's wrong I usually reply with 'Nothin' and she knows I'm lying and that usually ticks her off. I know from experience that when I say what's wrong, it usually pisses her off. Seems I can't win with that question. With all this our personal life in the bedroom has gone to just shy of nil and that's not healthy either.
I don't know if the girls see this as I live with their mom and she'll do it all or what. I see it as this is my house too damnit, I should have a say on what goes on under my (our) roof. But when it comes to her kids I have no say, that's how I feel anyway, even though their actions or lack of affects me mentally and emotionally. I have gone into the bedrooms to browse for missing stuff and feel kinda guilty for doing so. Do I have a right to? Is it disrespecting their privacy? I found a soda can under the bed with cigarette butts in the oldest ones' room. Do I say anything about it without it backfiring on me 'why I was in there'? Times have changed from when I was a kid. When I was growing up everything under the roof was my dad's.
Do I just mind my own business and keep on going on like nothing is wrong?? Do I write a list of what I expect and put it where they can find it?? Do I need approval from my g/f, their mom??
I have 2 kids of my own, 21 y.o. daughter who is on her own and a 13 y.o. son that visits every other weekend. I'm sure there are things that he does that bothers my g/f, but she doesn't say anything.
Any answers to my questions, tips and/or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance to anyone that takes the time to read this.

musicmom

I think I was raised like you. There is no way an irresponsible 18 yr old would be living with me even if it was my own child, she'd have a time limit to be out.
The cigs you have EVERY right to get mad about because it's YOU who would die in a fire.
I would sit down with the mother and let her know that things HAVE to change or your relationship is at stake.
Are you willing to let it stay this way? I wouldn't.

I'm sure the reason they are not with their father is because he gave them rules and they are running to mommy.

The mother is an enabler and is not teaching them to be productive adults but teaching them to disrespect adults.

Me personally? I'd say this is what I expect and if things don't change then I'm outta here. What's the point of staying if you are not being respected, being loved, having sex or have any say in any matter with her children that are under your roof? No way!

Simple Minded

Thanks for the reply Sha'.
When her girls lived with their dad, they'd come over on weekends. Naturally it was more like a visit so there wasn't any chores or anything like that for them to do nor was it expected. But at home they had chores, lived with their dad's new wife and her daughter (which from what I heard got shown favortism), all the girls had to share a room, they didn't like his new wife and (not disrespecting their dad) lived in a house that was very small and not well kept up. I think those are the biggest reasons they wanted to move in here, it's like a permanent visitation. They have their own rooms, no chores and free to roam. The only "chores" I expect of them here is to pick up after themselves. Not to much to ask in my opinion. The kitchen is my domain, I'll take care of it. I don't expect them to scrub toilets or do all the laundry. But they could make sure they put their dirty clothes in the hamper, put clean clothes away, etc.
It would be very hard to say 'I'm outta here if things don't change', seeing it as giving up and the kids won.
I know they don't respect parents/adults do to their actions. For instance, they always seem to want to dye their hair....at midnight! Mom says no, they just laugh and do it anyway. Then I find dye splatters everywhere, trash full of whatever it is they use. Should I step up at times like that
with some authoritive voice??
I've been a very laid back person and not interfere, but that's gotta come to an end or I'm going to lose it. I'm not their dad nor am I trying to be.
There's a lot of things, probably small in their eyes and in the eyes of others and I'm just nitpickin'.
I think I will make a list of what I expect. I've already had to put sticky notes on the light switches to 'Turn off light'. The youngest hits every light switch going to kitchen turning them on, but on the way back the lights are still on. I'm constantly saying "Are you done with that light?" *sigh*
Thanks again.

musicmom

I think you have every right to step up and be authoritarian just make sure your wife is ok with that.

Sticky notes are just silly in my opinion, I'd probably laugh at that too and I'm 36.

FooserX

Why are these kids even living with you once they are done with high school?

Simple Minded

And just to clarify, they're not bad kids. After being around them I can honestly say I was a more wild and unruly teenager at that age than they are being.

FooserX

You got with your girlfriend knowing all of this. You knew that you would not be able to be a father figure to them...at least to the older ones. None of this should be a surprise to you, and none of this is going to change either.

I personally wouldn't let any kid of mine stay at home after they graduated high school (unless they were in college and needed help and got good grades)...but some parents allow this to happen. All it does is delay teaching the kid about real life. They can be as lazy as they want, because mom and dad will be there to help them out.

I would have a serious talk about this with your wife. Let her know where you stand. If she's not willing to make any changes, or put her foot down...then you know where you stand too.

Deal with this, or leave. Simple.

musicmom