jmeyer3131

My daughter had some serious bullying problems in sixth and seventh grades. Thankfully, eighth grade has gotten much better. Most of the problem is that she has her own ideas of how she wants to dress. (She plans to be a singer; you can tell it in her wardrobe.) She's also pretty independent. She won't do things just to fit in. She has a good sense of her values and stays true to them.

As I mentioned, things have improved. I think some of the kids have matured a bit. There's still bullying, but now she has some good friends...and several guys have crushes on her. One guy who used to make fun of her clothing now tells her that he thinks she has the best sense of fashion of anybody in the school.

A good friend of mine was listening to me talk about the bullying in seventh grade. She really likes my daughter a lot, and understood my pride in her ability to be herself despite the pressure to change. Yet she also said that she hopes her daughter (six years old or so) blends in when she gets older. She said she would worry if her daughter stood out from the crowd.

I understand the worries, but I would be more worried if she just tried to fit in. Life is about so much more than those years at school, and I think it's important to be true to yourself. I have no worries whatsoever about her getting into trouble because of peer pressure, either. I respect her a lot.

How about you guys? Would you rather have a child who blends in with the crowd or one who stands out? Note by standing out, I don't mean they stand out because of behavior problems, but just because of who they are.

I think a teen can be true to themselves while blending in (it all depends on the values of the kids at that school and what it would require to "blend") but if you could only pick one, which would it be?

__________________
Janet
www.CanIChangeALife.blogspot.com

mamab

I would much rather my child be himself and not bend to what's "in" at the moment. There's too much pressure on our kids to be with the "in" kids, to wear what's "hot" at the moment, to conform to what's thought of as being "important." The thing is, fashions change, people change, what's "hot" today is "geeky" next week. Nope, I'd rather my child take pride in being an individual and be themselves.

Thalionore

Oooh boy! A chance to share a life story! Okay, when I was a young lad I tried everything to be "in the crowd". I had one problem, everything I though was cool the other kids found dorky. By the time I was a freshman in high school, I totally gave up. I was a geek with a capital G. I was into anime, my favorite band was Rammstein, I listened to corny love songs, My second favorite band was Styx. I listened to foreign music as well as atypical American music. I edited videos in my spare time. I didn't drink, I didn't smoke, I didn't do drugs (and still don't to this day). I was a martial artist. Essentually, I did everything the in crowd thought was dumb, but then the strangest thing happened... The popular kids talked to me! And I didn't care at all! I didn't want to hang out with them anyway. I was my own person and I believe that I'm much better for it.

jtee

Every kid is different, and they each stands out in their own way. Some will be leaders, other followers. I think in general most fall somewhere in between with a natural tendency to lean one direction or another.

Middle school and High school can be tough place for a lot kids who are not part of the popular crowd because they physically don't look perfect, or do not have that amazing social personality. Most figure out how to get through it and go on to have very successful lives personally and professionally.

I had lunch with high school buddy that I had not see in many years. We were talking about what had happened to those in the "popular crowd". We felt a since of Justice because several of them peaked in the 12th grade, and after that not a lot became of them, while many those on the outside or fringes went on to have surprising successful personal and professional lives, surprising a lot of people, maybe even themselves. The Drok became an aerospace engineer. The Slob became a professional photographer for National Geographic. The Nerd became a well known video game designer. And even some in the popular growd did grow up and become nice people depite being a-holes in grades 7-12.

sandmike123

I think that middle school is definitely harder than high school. Being true to yourself and not trying to please others is an important thing that kids need to learn and it soulds like your daughter already has it under control.

FooserX

Great first post, congrats on raising a child that is independent from everyone else's opinions!

I'm trying to raise my son to be like that. He'll ask me sometimes if I think one of his new toys is cool, and I always say "it's only important if YOU think it's cool" or something to that effect. I want him to know it's okay for him to like things that others don't, and vice versa.

So far so good...he's really nice and sweet, but at the same time other kids want to be around him at school and copy him. Sometimes though, he'll go along with other kids because they are more aggressive, so I can see some "follower" in him.

Hopefully he turns out like your girl...just uncaring about everyone else's opinions :-)