evilbrent

for the record, at this stage my lines in the sand are:

14 - absolutely not. it's not ok for kids this young to be having sex.
15 - no way. sex as a usual activity is not ok. 15 yr olds are still babies. i'd disapprove but not go ballistic.
16 - less no way. i think it's still too young, but I'd find a way to cope.
17 - that's fair.
18 - it's your body
19 - what took you so long.

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evilbrent

ok.

so, what you're saying is - you made your own mistakes and in the end it was a positive learning experience?

Can I give you the flip side of your learning story? I've never had sex with anyone but my wife - I'm 29 years old and I've sex with precisely one person. The only other sexual experience I've had with anyone else ever is I touched my girlfriend's boobs once (at the beach at 9pm).

I've always regretted that. Honestly, I sometimes think it was a huge mistake - to marry this first serious sexual partner. How do I know that I didn't get it wrong? How do I know I got it right? How do _I_ know that I _really_ love this woman, the way you describe it, because I've literally got nothing to compare it to.

If I were going to have one do-over I would go back to when I was 19, when my wife was begging me to get married to her, and give myself the confidence to say "I love you and I want to be with you and I want to share my life with you, but I'm just too young at this stage to be capable of making that choice. I might change. You might change. We might grow in different directions after university. Let's wait and do it properly then."

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TammyZed

Funny you should say that. I deleted and didn't post it, but since you're on the subject... lol

My feelings are the complete opposite. I think dating is so important because it teaches us what we want from relationships, the sort of things we can grin and bear, and the sort of things that are absolute deal breakers. If you hadn't loved those other men, how would you know that what you feel for your husband is capital Love?

Oh geez, evilbrent beat me to it. I had sexual partners before my hubby (that's how my son got here lol), but nobody that I can say I've loved. So, how do I know? I have no frame of reference.

hannah's mommy

Yes. That is a good point.

However when I made those mistakes I was not 16, and it was not with my mother's express consent.

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You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.

Currently Reading: Naked Empire by Terry Goodkind

evilbrent

that's fair. I get that you want your kid to benefit from your hard earnt wisdom.

I hope fooser's reading this, because I want to point out that the ONLY way that a 16 yr old can trust in the wisdom of their parents is if they have 16 years of being talked to respectfully and raised OUTSIDE of a world of infringement/punishment.

if they see it as yet another lecture, or yet another rule, it's going in one ear and out the other.

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TammyZed

I believe I already repped you, evilbrent. Agreed!

That was basically the point I was attempting and failing to raise about teenagers not being children. I'm tired, and wasn't sure how to word it without causing offense to anyone. A teen will trust and respect what you have to say more if you are discussing it with them, not simply telling them.

Otherwise, they will hear every word you say... but won't listen to any of it.

hwnorth

In reading your posts I must say that you have assisted in educating me in ideals and ideas that I never looked at before... interesting points of view and input.

The daughter and her mother have an amazing relationship actually... I know that many look at this and think bad mom ... I have my own issues with it .. obviously .. but all in all, and this aside.... its rare that I see a parent with such a mutual respect, open communication and not a need for many common boundaries, as her children have the respect to simply want to respect common rules and boundaries.

As the boyfriend though, I will admit that this is difficult for me as I am totally against it.. but they arent my kids and I havent the right to rule others...

(is there an smilie for smashing your head against the wall??)

jtee

Brent is one of this forum's very best!

Teresa

No boyfriend or girlfriend sleepovers in our house, period. We don't believe in premarital sex, so we won't condone it.

I have to agree...if you're not the parent of either child, then let them deal with it and make the decisions. You shared your opinion, just leave it at that.

Tougher situation there. When my former husband's 18 year old daughter lived with us and wanted her boyfriend to spend the night, her dad was okay with it, and I was not. I was able to put my foot down and say it wasn't going to happen because I wasn't going to send the message to my younger children....who were 15, 11 and 8 at the time....that this would be acceptable behavior for THEM in the future.

Not always. I've talked to my three forever, and been very open and honest...in turn, my son and youngest daughter have been very open and honest with me. My oldest daughter, on the other hand, snuck around and had sex elsewhere....and will make me a grandmother in September. Like hwnorth's gf's daughter, she is 18, a high school drop out, no drivers license, and no job. When I insisted that conditions of her living here included GED classes, a job, and paying rent, she moved 200 miles away to live with Dad, whom she's had no contact with for the last five years.

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Mother to Brian,Adrienne and Amy
Christianity is not a religion like most people think. Christianity is a life of imitating Jesus.

meow_173

My bf and i have been together since the end of gr.11 (so i was 17) and here we are, almost 6 years later with a 20 month old. I think thats pretty committed.

I totally agree though that kids have no concept of what love is, however, they can be pretty committed to someone that they believe they love, and thats why the first cut is the deepest lol, and then your throw sex into the mix it just messes kids up emotionally, why i know this? because i was one of them. Don't get me wrong, i think sex is a totally healthy and normal way for people to express their love, but not kids who are 13 or 14 years old. anyway....JMO

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