HappyMomma

If I understood you correctly... Legally in the US it ranges between 16 to 18 years of age depending on which state.

Statutory Rape Laws by State

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Xero

She's talking about two sixteen year olds and whatnot together, not a 16 year old and a 20 year old. It's not statutory unless the other person is older. Two teenagers having sex isn't statutory.

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chic

HI, thank you for clarifying. Kids to me are those below 18 years old.

To be firm about the rule "My house, my rule", I totally agree. When my teenage son was turning 18, we flew him to Asia as we were working as expats. Being the handsome dude, he had so many young girls looking for him, most of them from expat background, both asian and westerners (so I am not being bias here).

I also have a teenage daughter. They are now grown up, in their 20s, if I hadn't been firm then, they might never have thought we cared. Now they are on their own, have jobs, paying their bills and will continue to make mistakes but that's life; we may have reached the norms of society yet these children make us learn and live life all over again.

On the other hand, if you are too firm with them (kids), they seek private pleasures outside the house and end up making babies. Having a balanced discipline is the goal; I leave the talking to my other half (spouse).

I like this forum because most of the members do not hold back their views about the real things that matter to parents, marriage and family. Cheers.

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Aylimn

There's a lot to soak up in this thread! It's nice to hear all the varying replies and I'm sure it's given the OP plenty of material to help him make his decisions.

As a precursor to the rest of my post, I will say this

1) I would not personally allow sleepovers at 15, 16, but wouldn't be so opposed to them at 17,18.

2) I also agree with ''my house my rules''

3) Obviously, communication, education, and birth control/STD protection

Having said that, I find it a tad amusing that some parents think they can ''give permission'' or ''not give permission'' to teens regarding sex. I'm assuming that those who say this are referring to it more on a philosophic level than an actual level? Because it's just not possible to control the bodies of teenagers in that fashion, nor would I want to!

They may not be ''as mature as'' adults, but they are not children, either. It's been fairly well established that throughout human history, people were having sex and having children starting at puberty (early teens) and a big part of that probably related to the human life span then, which is a lot shorter than it is now. So today we have longer life spans, but it has not been that way for very long in the grand scheme of things, and we are ''mammals'' at the end of the day, subject to the same drives that animals are. We may have reasoning and intellect and all of those things that sets us apart from other animals, but we are *still* animals and from an evolutionary standpoint, most animals start engaging in sex as soon as their bodies mature and they get the ''inkling'' to do so. And for the longest time in our human history, that's exactly what humans were doing too! And what, in less than 100 years people are all of a sudden suppose to ignore their natural bodily urges because of a ''cultural norm'' that has evolved, telling them to wait?

I think it is highly unnatural for adults to be forcing these ideas of abstinence onto teenagers. However, I would not *personally* want to hear my son banging his girlfriend in our house, either. So there definitely is room for boundaries etc.. there....but what I'm really digging at here is the notion of teenagers having sex altogether. I believe that sex is a very natural event to be popping up starting at around early teen years (due to biological/hormonal changes, the time may vary from teen to teen) and ultimately, I believe that sex is a highly personal choice and no parent or adult has the right to tell them they ''can'' or ''can't'' have sex (as if they could stop it).

Also, I disagree with poster who said that allowing the teens to have sleepovers is somehow opening a door for them to bring a weapon into the house, etc.. I think that's a bit OTT.

Everyone can point to some example of someone who had sex at an early age and how it devastated their life in some way, and others who had sex at an early age and it did no harm at all. That's just life. As parents, we can only do the best we can with the information we have and help our children learn to make the best choices for themselves. But in the end, they will make their own choices, and sex is one of those things that most teenagers will figure out for themselves, with or without parental support.

(As for me, I started having sex when I was 14 and I did not get an STD nor fall pregnant from those experiences. I had my first and only child so far at the age of 25. I did not experience any negative effects from having started sex at that young of an age whatsoever).

So in the end, no, I wouldn't personally choose to have 15s doing sleepovers, but I wouldn't look harshly on parents who did because some parent/teen relationships are ''like that'' and I've had a couple friends with that kind of relationship with their parents and they have turned into wonderful, intelligent, healthy adults. I think it is an individual thing and lastly, just like small children, teenagers are individuals and I don't believe a blanket philosophy towards all teens regarding sex is a wise way to look at it.

Xero

This thread is mostly about teens having sex in the parent's house. Everyone knows teenagers have sex when you're not looking. And not only that, but I don't think the idea there is to "not allow them to have sex" it's actually to encourage them to WAIT. Until they are older and more mature and know what they're doing and what could come of it. And they can make their own decisions based upon that. If you don't encourage them to wait, they probably wont. If you say "hey, sex is ok if you want to do it since it's natural", they'll probably have sex as soon as they get the chance because we all know sex is fun, exciting, and feels good. But if you raise your children with the concept of "You know, you COULD have sex now and give your precious virginity up to some high school kid that will 9 times out of 10 never be around when you're old enough to get married, and throw sex around like it isn't anything special at all, you can. If that's how you want it, it's your choice and although I don't agree, I still love you no matter what, but it wont happen under my roof because it goes against what I believe. However, you could wait to give yourself up, just wait for the right person, and it could be something that you will always appreciate because you waited to do it with someone you had real feelings for, and not just teenage hormones. I don't want you to get pregnant, because I know what that will do to your life. It will make everything harder for you." And BASICALLY just instill the knoweledge into them about all the positive things that can come from waiting, they might just wait.

For instance, it's not long, but I waited until I was sixteen and truly thought I was in love before I had sex because my foster mom raised us telling us to wait. My little sisters are all still virgins and they are 17, 17, and 18. They are very beautiful and have beautiful personalities, so trust me it's not like nobody is after them. My mom doesn't threaten them, they just want to wait for the right person, or even until they get married if possible because it sounds like the right thing to do in their minds.

The reason people have developed this "cultural norm" is because the good things far outweigh the bad things of waiting. What can you say about telling them they don't have to wait? It's natural, they get to have sex? You get to be more open with them? And what else?

What can you say about trying to have them wait? They have more respect for themselves and their bodies, they aren't taking the chance of getting STD's (not like it's guarenteed to happen, but it sure as hell isn't guarenteed NOT to happen and that's enough for me as a parent who cares about her child's health), they learn how to have a healthy relationship by waiting for the right person and focusing on them rather than learning that they can sleep around with anyone in any relationship and it's no big deal. And they're not out taking the chance of getting pregnant!

That's got to be one of the main reasons we don't want our kids having sex until their old enough. Because it's not guarenteed that they will get pregnant, but it's not guaranteed that they wont and that should be enough for any parent!! It happens ALL THE TIME. More often than not, nowadays. And the thing is, yes a teen can have a baby, and yes they can probably take care of it. However, in tons of cases, the poor thing ends up getting raised by someone else, like the girls parents. And in MANY cases, that girl and the boy do not stay together because kids that age don't have the thought in their mind of forever with anybody. So what does that do to an innocent baby? Sure doesn't give it a chance at having a normal family. Not only that, but scientifically, a teenage girl's body is not always mature enough to carry a baby, and the statistics of the baby having problems and being born small and underweight or underdeveloped (premature) are EXTREMELY high for teenage moms. Look it up.

It used to be a big deal in the old days when a teenage girl got pregnant. They were forced into marriage, or it was hidden, or who knows what. Nowadays, we're just like Oops! There goes another one. I wonder if the dad will stick around. Heck, I wonder if the mom will stick around!

If there was ANY chance all that MIGHT be avoided, why wouldn't you try to non-forcefully encourage your kids to wait? If anything, when they go to do it, it may run through their mind that their mom might not appreciate it. You never know the chances. It might matter to them what you say, or it might not. Personally, I will take my chances.

That's like saying "Well I know even if I tell my kids not to drink or do drugs, they probably will anyway cause kids do that, so I just wont bother."

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concernedincuse

I think that sleepovers are OK, but not in the same room. Good discussions about the pros and cons with the child about sex and why she is on the pill (not just so she can have tons of sex) would be the best idea. Now, if the kids do the whole "I slip out of the livingroom couch and into the bedroom" deal in the middle of the night, that at least is not promoting sex at a young age. Does that make sense?

Aylimn

Most of what you mentioned falls under the category I started my post with, which is ''communication and education''. And the end of my post was about parenting in the best way we know how, and that's all we can do about this subject of teenage sex. The point is that parents cannot force their will about sex onto teens and I do not think they *should* try, either. Educate and communicate, and they will make their own choices regardless.

All the lovely things you mentioned telling your teens is fantastic and there's no problem with that! But I'm also sensitive to what underlying messages I would be conveying about sex in the process and in the *way* I worded it. I think there is a lot of fear and paranoia in the world regarding sex, and teens having sex. I realize that *loads* of teens out there are getting pregnant, but I have to say, only one of my many, many friends in high school who were sexually active ended up pregnant as a teen, and she was and is doing quite well and is very happy.

I also think that people have different opinions of the meaning and value of sex and they should be allowed to be who they want to be regarding the subject without the fear of disapproval from their parents for having a different belief system. For example, a parent who believes that sex belongs within the confines of marriage and/or with that ''special someone'' down the road, is not going to look well upon a teenage child who believes that sex is a natural and enjoyable act to have with the person they really like *at the time*. To add insult to injury then, many of these teens then experience a considerable amount of guilt and shame, which does no good to developing a sexually healthy attitude in life, and hence the fear surrounding sex continues.

Nothing in my early experience of sex detracted from my enjoyment of it or my feeling that sex was a wonderful, special experience. I just have a different view of it, I guess.

I have zero problem with anyone's personal view of sex and the time and place for it, and I think it's absolutely wonderful for parents to *share* their beliefs with their children, and educate them, etc.. but I stop short at judging them, disapproving of them, or whatever, if they did decide to engage in sexual activity, because it's a highly personal choice and by the time they are in their teen years, they will take it upon themselves to exercise their right for that choice regardless of what parents say.

So yes, educate, inform, share beliefs, but I won't be disappointed or disapproving if it turns out my teen decides to have sex anyway (which is what a vast majority of teens do, I suspect). I just hope they have the common sense enough to use protection.

Aylimn

Oh yeah, I did want to mention that I think we as people are generally a product of our own experiences, and so it just occurred to me that, my experiences of sex as a teen were pretty positive, and I didn't *personally* know of anyone who had a negative teen sex experience (I was definitely aware that it happened, but just didn't happen to have that occur anywhere in my environment). Conversely, other people know someone or they themselves experienced something negative from teen sex. And so I can understand how we would all reach the conclusions that we have reached about it. In the end, we can all just parent as well as we can based on the information we have as well as our own experience, and hope for the best!

jazili

This is crucial..., I wont let my kids experience this in early ages, specially the moment it happen totally under my responsibility...