Alex1975

Please, tell me what to do. My daughter is 14, I know that it is a difficult awkward age, but I didn't think it would be so hard with her. She doesn't obey, it's impossible to talk with her and it seems to me that I don't know her at all. Her grades have dropped, she comes home late, I don't know her friends at all, and she is constantly rude to her father and me. Maybe, it is my fault, but I really don't know what to do. Tell me, please, how to cope with this situation.

michelle

not an expert but i have a 15 year old whos no angel.had a few problems myself actually made myself ill through it big mistake they dont care ure better 2 remain calm find something important 2 them 4 my dd thats her mobile the threat of that being removed is enough 2 make her tow the line u just have 2 find ure secret weapon lol ure not alone and most of us have been there but things will get better just talking about it on this kind of site can make a big difference 2 the way u feel about things good luck hopefully someone who has got through this stage will answer ure post soon

SageMother

One of the most important things to do is to remove what you had previously thought about this age and how it should go with your daughter.

Once puberty starts you are dealing with a different person than the child that was so very dependent several years earlier. She is starting to explore the world on her own terms so you need to focus on only those things that are most important for your sanity. Her being relatively cooperative is probably a more reasonable stance than expecting obedience. A bright son or daughter will not simply obey.

This is one of the best times for list making. Once you have the list of things that are important for your own sanity, take a look at why you feel they are important. Sometimes things are important because we have been told they are. Those items can move to the bottom of the list for many people. They have nothing to do with the basics of safety and a nice home environment.

How will you know she is safe? You won't, but you can set curfews. Many times it is best to use the law as your guide. Depersonalizing reasons for limits is a better approach than personal pleas. My favorite thing to tell my twin sons that the loaw requires certain things of people at different ages and I was not going to be a party to their breaking the law.

Clean bedrooms are more flexible because you can close the bedroom door. If they won't help clean up after a meal they needn't eat anything that was cooked in a pot or placed on anything but a paper plate...you choose the approach you are most comfortable with but I think you can see a pattern. There should be logical consequences for any action or lack thereof.

NO matter what your approach, keep discussion to a minimum when it comes to the rules. No neogitations. Either there was compliance and cooperation or there was not. This brings your stress level down because you stop searching for new approaches and you can get on with your own goals once again.

Hope this helps.

blade

haha, yeah I'm the same, it seams to work, with my daughter its the Ipod as she's into all her music, well if you can call some of it 'music'. My daughters 15 and is the same, most teens go through this dificult stage, my daughters just the same, honest!
Maybe give her choers to do what she has to stack to everyday and if she doesn;t stick to them, then take something away from her she likes as a punishment. Also an hours homework everynight, once she's done these chores and homework, then it's time for her friends.
Of course I'm no expert at all, I struggle with my own teen but I find this realy good.
No one ever said this 'teen' stage was easy.

mamab

I don't have a teenager yet, and then when I do it won't be a girl. However, I think there are some warning signs here that maybe you should be paying attention to. I'm not saying that she IS involved in drugs, but all the "signs" together are an indication that it's more than just hormones and typical teenager stuff. Please, even though she'll think it's an invasion of privacy, do some snooping. Make sure that it's NOT drugs. I'd hate to think that if it were, you might possibly find out too late. "hugs"

Alex1975

Thanks for the advice - it's already helped more than you may think. I definitely agree that this is a tough time in the life of a parent. There are so many decisions to make, and sometimes it seems like I'm dealing with it all alone. So, it is nice to know that there are others who are dealing with the same thing, or who have made it through. It is hard to get a lot of information out of my daughter, since our relationship seems to have broken down so much - but I will start making more of an effort to see how she has been feeling and what she has been up to. Thanks again for the advice, I really appreciate it!