Xero

You know, I really don't understand this. I definitely think without a doubt that this problem must lie in the relationship between them. I can easily think and tell myself that people I don't know or don't like are ugly, but the people I love are just always beautiful in my eyes, honest. I think it doesn't matter what your child looks like, they still look pretty/handsome/cute to you. I see babies sometimes and I think OMG that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen lol but then you see their moms all over them like they're the best thing there ever was, and you know they think their baby is the cutest.

I think what proves it to me that beauty is more in love than in looks is that I remember how I felt about Eli when he was first born and the first few months (the same way I do now) that he was the cutest, most gorgeous and beautiful perfect baby I'd ever seen. But the funny thing about it now is, that when I look back on his baby pictures, he was pretty much an ugly little alien right at first. LOL. NOW he's cute. (I think?!?!?!?!!) Really, especially right after he was born because he had baby rash, jaundice, and funny hair, so he looked like a sickly little mexican old man baby that got beat up. (no offense to any mexicans or old men out there).

I can't imagine ever being able to think that Eli is ugly, even if he was ugly and people told me, I wouldn't be able to figure out what they were talking about.

I wont say it's impossible for a mother to notice things that could be improved about her kids. I might notice if Eli (when he gets older) was overweight, acne-prone, or buck-toothed or something, but the difference there is that it wouldn't MATTER to me. If anything, I might try to help him fix whatever I could. Just because I know he would feel better about himself. I wouldn't be sad if he was ugly or fat, but I would know those things EXISTED. That's about the extent of it.

I was ALWAYS raised to know that it's what's on the INSIDE that counts.

No hard feelings though, I just wanted to share how I would feel. Really I think you just need to fall in love with your son all over again, like I'm sure you did after he was born. Just cause he's getting older and less cuddly doesn't mean you can't still love the crap out of him. Try to relate with him, build a relationship, bond. He'll get prettier every day.

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Precious Amber

The part of this that I find the most embarassing is that people cannot believe my feelings are real. I came here thinking "I can't be the only person in the world with this problem. There must be someone else" only to find that my point of view is so despicable people believe I must be playing a prank of some kind.

The words sound hollow as I write them now, after all I've said about my son, but I'm truly not that shallow. Yes, I think looks are important, I always have, but to be honest my obsession with my son's appearance is uncharacteristic, and I can't work out why it matters to me so much.

Xero: I believe you are right, when my son was born, I was enchanted with him (my only reservation being that he hadn't inherited his father's blond hair). However, as the years went on, he became more and more removed from what I had wanted him to be, and eventually I came home from work one night and realised no part of my life had turned out how I wanted it to, including my son. He was so different from how I'd dreamed. Perhaps it was unrealistic, but I'd hoped for him to look just like his father, and have the same charisma and strength his father had had. Instead I was left with a disappointing amalgamation of his parents' most unfortunate characteristics.

To all those who have judged me: I agree with your criticisms and feel I deserve them, but know this - I did not choose to feel this way. I have to wonder, though, if you ever had shallow, negative feelings like mine about something (feelings that you couldn't control), whether you would be so harsh on yourselves.

As for trolling, I am curious as to what pleasure someone could extract from posting something like this. All I can say is, I wish my situation really was fictitious.

Thank you.

mom2many

[quote=Precious Amber;68117]You aren't the only parent who feels this way, you may one of the few parents who actually say the words but you aren't alone, no matter what anyone else is saying!

At least you are recognizing this, that is a great step.
Look closely at what you wrote, your life isn't what you had thought, but instead of focusing on where YOUR problems are in this, you have put them on your son, everything that hasn't gone right in your life is being placed on your son's looks. I can imagine to the outside world your life looks good, if not perfect. But inside nothing is right, nothing is as it should be, nothing went according to plan, and your son is just one reminder of how everything isn't right.

Fix you first, as said, counsoling is the best place to start. I don't think you are a "bad" mom, but a mom with her own self esteem issues.

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Jennifer, mom to some wonderful kids!

FooserX

Just so you know Precious, I have had those same thoughts before...not about my son, but an ex gf, or friend or whatever...

And I fully admit they were wrong and horrible, and it was my own issues that were the problem...so I can relate. I wish I could go back in time and fix things and relationships, but I can't...

It sounds like you still have the power to make things better, so at least you have something to change and feel better about. :-)

AnKsMommy

I myself have never thought that about my children...but I know my mom has thought some thoughts like that about me. It was really hard on me and lead to an eating disorder and some other problems.

I'm a short girl, five feet even and weighed 115 in high school, I wasn't too skinny, but I def wasn't fat! My mom would always comment about the foods I ate, how I didn't exercise enough, how I was fat...and so on. All my friends thought she was crazy because I was healthy and smaller than most of them.

What I think would be best for you is to see a professional about your feelings. There may be some underlying problem between the two of you. For my mom it was more that she was compairing me to my VERY tiny cousins who are models. It was rough on me, and now that I'm older she's said sorry for those feelings, but at the time it was very hard on me.

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Ali - Mommy to Alenya and Kaitlyn

meow_173

Is it wrong...i would say yes. Instead of harbouring said feelings about him (because it probably shows even if you dont think it does) try to help him IF he wants help. If he is satisfied with the way he looks then so be it! THe point is hes is only 16. by the time he is 25 he may be completly handsome. He has a lot of time to figure out if he wants to change his appearance, got to the gym, do whatever he wants. and really you should be supporting him.

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Xero

Yeah, that's true too. I've seen a lot off butt ugly teenagers turn into gorgeous adults, so don't lose hope. Most people go through an awkward stage before they realize what they have to do in order to look nice, and until they finish growing and changing and developing. I wish I could meet you guys because it's so easy to help someone look more attractive. Hairdye/cut/stye, tanning, eating more healthy, just dressing right for your shape and look. You'd be surprised.

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Aunt

as foozer said this boy is probably more than aware of this so cut him some slack and focus on the fact that he deserves credit for being a decent stand up guy. It is just lucky for this boy that he is not handicapped. would he then be locked in a basement????????
I have a friend whose little girl has down syndrome but she has the most delightful beautiful spirit. Every kid has something going for them. For the sake of this boy's mental health you need to focus o what this is for your son

etceterae

I think it's completely natural. My own mother got really excited a year ago when I finally got interested in makeup, actually XD

Perhaps you could tell him that it's healthier for him to lose some weight - which is completely true. I highly suggest not telling him that you wish he was more attractive, though, because I've had experience with my father not thinking I was pretty and it hurt a lot. Just try to get your son to be healthier, and attractive-ness always follows suit. It's biologically imprinted in us to think healthy people are hot and unhealthy people aren't. (evolution, gene pool, selection, etc.)

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