Aylimn

Wow, that was some serious transparency and honesty in that OP! I have to say, I do think the world would be better if we (discriminately) chose to speak our truths to eachother. I don't advocate saying that to your son, however, for obvious reasons, most of which has already been said by other posters. You have a lot of courage to come and speak your mind and then to return after the expected responses and reply. I do agree with all of the reply posts in one fashion or another - in the sense that the problem lies within you and your acceptance of the matter, and being able to get to the heart of what is important in life - and looks ain't one of them! You already know that on some level but you some counseling or whatnot would definitely help, I am sure. Self-help books or whatnot, whatever works for you. There are a few things at play here, and one of the most important ones is your relationship with your son. Developing and nurturing that will deepen your interaction and feelings for him, and in turn that might help assuage your perceptions of his physicality.

I do not think you are the only one to have a shallow, superficial thought about someone else. I think every person on this planet has done it. Just walking down the road in your hometown, you might see a really unattractive or fat person and have a secret thought about it. etc.

But it's always nice, in my opinion, to progress to a stage where you can think something positive about others. Try an exercise in that one day. For each and every person you see, even just walking past a stranger, think something nice about them, and see how it makes you feel. I'm sure it's a lot better than the alternative. If we can practice that each day, then we'll find over time that these positive thoughts come more easily and without conscious effort, and it can change your world view. Just one of several things you can try to help yourself.

I think the harsh responses here are duly made and in your own words, were needed to be said so that you could set what you believe out there, outside of yourself, and see what it really looks like. Then you can act to change it. Best of luck with that!

jazili

I f you already think of that and you in the state that you in not so close relationship with him, I cant imagine hows his feel about it when he knows that..., you'd better start to support him, what could be worst for a child than knowing their parents hated him for something that he also hated himself, definitely disaster for your kid mind..., just love him the way he is and full support him all the time..., ate least he'll feels comftable around you...