Precious Amber

I know this sounds terribly wrong, but my (16-year-old) son is so ugly and I can’t help wishing he was more attractive.
He is short, overweight and very pale (which looks ridiculous with his dark hair), and he’s very shy and quiet.

I always wanted a handsome, tall, confident son, and even though my boy is hardworking and smart, I can’t help but feel SO incredibly disappointed in him. I can’t think where he got these unattractive genes from.

I have never said any of this to him of course, although I have tried to get him to lose weight.

I know this is such a horrible thing to say, and I’m afraid God will punish me for it.

Is it very wrong for a mother to wish her son was attractive? Does anyone else ever feel this way? What should I do?

Please help. Thank you.

1dayatatime

We all want our kids to be perfect. I had an ugly/awkward phase doesn't everyone? What is really more important to be true and teach is inner beauty. A pretty face will only get you so far then you better have something to back it up. Right? Chris Farley was not what I would consider "attractive" but that dude was hilarious. Elvis got fat and the ladies still worshiped him because he could sing.

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Common sense is not so common. -Voltaire
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anthing.

mom2many

I don't think that you really think your son is ugly, I think you have lost that "fantasy" of what you had envisioned of your son. It's always hard when a child isn't what you thought they would turn out to be, we have fantasy's of them while they are still in our womb, we think "Oh they are going to have daddies hair and my eyes, they are going to have daddy's height, Yadda, Yadda" of course we always say we just want them to be happy, and we mean that, but it doesn't mean that in the back of our heads we haven't thought of their future.

Having said that, you must have my oldest, he's 17 very white, blue eyes, and my VERY dark brown hair, and yes he is overweight, VERY shy and quite, and all of this, except the weight is beyond his control, although he is predisposed to the weight, cause heavy people run in my family. My son also has a learning disability, and that is the only thing I would change about him. Why? Cause that is what will make his life hard, his looks will only mean something if he lets it, it can hinder or he can walk tall and proud (even short people can), but his learning problems will never change.

Everyone of my 7 kids looks different, some are more exsotic (can't spell the word, but you get the meaning) dark skin, tall, blue eyed, or long curly hair, and then some are very pale, dark blonde hair, and brown eyes, and then 2 are "white" by all apperances, blonde, blue eyed and pale skinned. I learned long ago that it is what it is and to teach them to make the most of what nature gave them.

Good luck, I don't think god will strike you down, but work with your son to teach him to be proud of what he does have to offer the world.

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Mom of pretty good kids.

Dadu2004

The more important question is...What does your son think about himself? Does he think he's ugly? If he's happy with who he is, then that's his business, and praise him for his self-confidence. If he's unhappy being overweight, help him make healthier choices. The fact is, your child is your child no matter what he looks like...be proud of him and the gift that God has given you.

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Precious Amber

To be honest, I don’t know. He’s very insular, and spends most of his time (when he’s not at school or at work) either reading or playing the piano. We just don’t have a close relationship. I will tell you, though, that he doesn’t seem very happy but I don’t know what to do about it.

Anyway, thanks for all you help so far, everyone.

Mindy

What a strange first post.

I honestly hope to God that your son never finds what you have written here. But I'm thinking kids are smart and if you are thinking about this enough to have posted about it, he probably knows deep down you feel this way. Kids aren't stupid, and they realize good and early how important looks are in this world. It's just sad that his mom isn't his soft place to fall.

Man, how happy could you really be if even your mom thinks you're ugly? This may sound really harsh, but you really need something else to worry about. Believe me, this will so so much harder on your son living it, then for you being his parent.

Ok, I feel mean now, but just... Wow. I can't believe it. Poor kid.

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"Someday, maybe, there will exist a well-informed, well considered and yet fervent public conviction that the most deadly of all possible sins is the mutilation of a child’s spirit.”

Dr. Erik Erikson

AmyBelle

I can imagine this boy going through the history folder on your computer and stumbling upon this.

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Dadu2004

If you don't have a close relationship with him, you better start there instead of worrying about what he looks like.

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Mindy

I agree Sarush.

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"Someday, maybe, there will exist a well-informed, well considered and yet fervent public conviction that the most deadly of all possible sins is the mutilation of a child’s spirit.”

Dr. Erik Erikson

HandInCup

I can tell you it's not easy knowing your parents don't think you're good enough looking for them. I come from the other side of the situation. My mother always thought I was ugly, she'd even tell me to my face. It sometimes had something to do with breasts, considering her's are 40DD's and my two sisters got the better end of the deal and here I am overweight with small breasts. With my father it was my weight which was never really a 'healthy size'.

I've always been larger, and I went through a lot of problems in school because of it. I bet your son has the same thing going on for him. And he may know that you feel this way. A combination of bullies and your parents thinking like that can more than put you in a shy disposition.

It's a shame you feel disappointed in him because he got the wrong chromosomes from you and his father. He might feel even worse if he has brothers or sisters or even cousins that are very attractive as well. I was also in this situation, having two beautiful cousins that my parents seemingly made compitition for myself. (Not saying that was the actual situation, that's just how I felt) Chances are, if he doesn't like who he is, he's either trying to make himself feel more attractive or is frustraited with it and has given up.

I suggest you start a relationship with him. Even if he isn't your ideal son, you need to know him as a person. Once you get to understand him, you might see what I've pointed out to be the truth. You can begin there, by helping him find a style that he likes and feels himself attractive in. 16 is a very hard age to be in, as he's probably looking into girls and all that jaz. You should be more supportive of him. I'd much rather have an intelligent and talented son in the future then a dead brained beauty. Even in this world, where looks are becoming everything, the thing that really matters to be successful in the end is how far you get through college and what kind of job you pick up to support yourself and your family.

I don't mean to come off harsh, and sorry if I did. But I kinda know what it feels like to not be beautiful in your parents' eyes, and it hurts. A lot.

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