JohnDough

Hi everyone, so I’ve got a bit of a family situation...

As a disclaimer, I will be posting as much detail as I can, personal information, but this should be ok because I am anonymous... Also, I will try to be as objective as I can, although some sections will be biased, given that I have my own opinion on the matter.

Please, feel free to give your advice, condemnations, $0.02 ...

Based on your replies I might forward constructive comments to my Mom. Alright...


The situation is that my sister is in her early 30’s and for her entire life has basically refused to work. Since she was an early teenager she has been resistant to advice and adamant about making her own decisions, yet she persistently manipulates others into paying the consequences of her actions.

As early as about thirteen years of age she began drinking and using drugs (primarily marijuana). Her academic performance was poor. Around eighteen years of age, after a couple quarters at community college, academics were replaced with employment, to which she performed equally poorly.


My mom had always been very supportive, paying her expenses during her brief time in college (mother refused to pay when my sister wanted to attend part time only). And over the years she has supported her financially on countless occasions, covering expenses that a responsible adult should pay for theirself (rent, phone, eletricity, utilities, gas money, grocery money, etc). I would guestimate that other people have covered around 80-95% of her expenses from age eighteen to thirty-two.

For the past five years she has been living on a modest property, a small lot with a trailer. This shelter was paid for and provided by our mom. I don’t know the exact details, but I believe that food and bills are covered by government funding (food stamps, wellfare, etc).

She works seldomly, perhaps 40-80 hours per year performing carpentry and gardening jobs.

To her credit she has been sober for several months now, likely the longest period of time since before she was thirteen years old.


My personal opinion is that my sister is a master manipulator, manipulating herself just as well as others. Despite the handouts, she carries herself as a proud person... whereas no reasonable person would be proud of theirself in such a situation. She has an illusion that she has lived on her own since she was eighteen, yet she has never truly lived on her own; ie supported herself.

Although she will manipulate anyone who she is likely to sway, her primary target is my mom. As mentioned earlier, my mom has been generous enough to provide shelter for her during the past five years, however, recently she was informed that the property will eventually be sold and that my sister will have to find a place to live. As an example of my sister’s manipulation technique, her response was: “You’re going to throw me out on the street??!!”. Obviously, a reasonable response would be appreciation and acknowledgment of the help received. And this is only one example of literally thousands like it (I believe they are all based on the same technique; making her mother feel guilty and inadequate as a parent).

In contrast, she had asked asked me only once in my adult life to borrow money (a couple hundred dollars, about five years ago). I sternly told her “no”. She hasn’t asked me for a penny since.


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Also, I will mention it here that she was raped, at fourteen years of age. Although this is clearly a horrible experience, she has in recent years taken to use it as a reason/excuse for her behavior. Personally, I don’t feel that this was causative as she was raped after she had already began drinking, using drugs, and disregarding the rules. The rape itself was a result of her going on a road trip (running away) with a grown man, maybe in his 20’s or 30’s.

She has refused offers to see a counselor... as for pressing charges the statute of limitations are thought to have expired. I have considered offering to break his legs.

She was also badly assaulted by a boyfriend when she was around 21-22 years of age. Her eye was swollen shut from a vicious punch and he had tried to smother her (hand over the mouth). He had internally modified her phone removing the mouth piece and then reassembling outer coving of the phone, possibly indicating a premeditation of murder. She was able to escape with moderate injuries; as a first time offense he only served about half a year in jail. They had both been drinking.



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Personal Traits and Experiences

* Master manipulator (manipulates others into taking responsibilities for her actions)
Guilt based
* Master manipulator (manipulates self image
Downplays accomplishments of others
Fails to recognize own shortcomings (or...)
Makes excuses for own shortcomings
* Drug use (primarily marijuana)
* Alcohol abuse
* Employment
* Academic performance
* Male Relationships
* Friendships
* Stray animals
* Assaults
Rape
Battery/Attempted Murder

Family History

* Mother: Lived with until about 18 years of age.
* Father: Divorced at about 9 years of age. Limited contact.
* Siblings: Younger brother (3 years). Lived with until about 18 years of age.

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Notes:

Apologies for inconsistent use of “my/her/our mother”. Don’t read too much significance into this other than my poor writing skills.

Apologies for sloppy post; I can clarify and answer questions as needed.

SuperMario

Considering the abuse she has suffered therapy might do her some good. Also your mom has to stop helping her. She needs to learn to support herself. She is a thirty year old women she should get a full time job, go to therapy, and your mom needs to stop babying her.

jenilouise

I agree with SuperMario. Your mom has tosay no and it may be the kick in the pants she needs.

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Kaytee

I will say that she has had a tough life (partly due to her own negligence) but I really don't think anyone can help her. At her age, as much as your mom and you of course why to help her to help herself, you can't. If she will not take help from a professional, I am not sure what will come of it. I am sorry that this is happening and I pray that she continiues to stay sober and WILL get some help for her issues and a job.

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fallon

I have to say I agree 100% with Kaytee

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Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

FooserX

Some moms are happy taking care of their kids - no matter what age they are. At 30 years old...do you really think your sister is going to change?

Is she really going to start growing up now? After all this time?

Doubtful. :-)

Just live your life and don't spend so much time obsessing about her.