concerned parents

My son will be 21 years old in October, a Sophomore/Junior in college. He's been living at home since last semester because he didn't make good with his promise to keep his grades B average or better. We practically pay for everything from gas to insurance and anything in between. He is not very motivated with school and tells us that he doesn't know what he wants. We've advised him to start with business. He did, and recently announced that he wants to shift to Kineseology, which is fine with us. We just want him to get through college and it's been a struggle with him.

I also feel he is not being responsible with the way he handles his finances, always overdrafting because my husband always comes to his rescue. He had at least four parking tickets at his school (all related to partying) the first three my husband once again paid. The fourth one I insisted that my husband leave it to my son to handle. He agreed and collected the amount of fine from my son. ( A step towards the right direction)

We've tried to get him to get a job, but the last two jobs only lasted a month. A few months ago he wrecked his car and my husband and I are using the repair of the car as leverage to get him to get a job. At first he agreed. Recently, he got a 2 day job as an extra for an HBO movie, and now he thinks he can easily get an acting job and is planning to go to Los Angeles to apply with agencies believing he can get an acting job. He also says this qualifies as a job. I have no objection to that as long as he gets a permanent part-time job. His response is he doesn't need to listen to us because he is an adult. I tried to impress upon him that while he lives in our house and while we are paying for everything, he needs to listen to us. On top this, he doesn't contribute to any housework, comes and goes as he pleases, loves to party and lives a reckless life.

My husband and I don't see eye to eye on how to handle my son. I say it's about time to be the parents. I would like to practice tough love, but my husband is afraid we might chase him away.

I want my son to be successful in his life and I feel we that unless we change our behavior we will continue to enable to live this reckless life. WE DESPERATELY NEED ANY SUGGESTIONS.

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Concerned Parents

Kaytee

Aww bless ya, I don't have any actual advise since I only have a young child. But I would say you are probably right that it is about time to practice some tougher love. I think the first thing you need to do is sit down with your husband and the two of you need to come to some solution between you. Then you need to confront your son. Good luck

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SageMother

It sounds like chasing him away is a necessary step here. At 21 your son is old enough to deal with real life, unless he has some disability that isn't apparent in your posts.

Sometimes, the major disability in people like this, is theparent who keeps bailing them out!

tater03

I would agree and it obvisouly won't be easy but the best thing you could do is make him get out there on his own. If everything is basically handed to him he will never take responsibility and he needs to learn that. You won't always be there to bail him out so he needs this. Good luck, keep us posted.

FooserX

I'm with everyone else...you have raised your son to be irresponsible and unmotivated, and now you must finally change your entire perspective if you really want him to grow as an adult.

As long as you rescue him from things, he is dependent upon you, and will never learn to fend for himself.

It's an easy solution. Give him a month to find a place to live, and then kick him out with no money, nada. Say that he's welcome to come over and visit at any time, but you will not aid him anymore.

It really is that simple. Only then will he learn what real work is, and the value of education. Let him pay for school for himself even...there are student loans, etc. You'd be amazed at what paying for college yourself can do for a kid...all in a sudden they don't want to waste their own money.

After a lifetime of pampering and rescuing your son, it'll be very difficult for you to let go. It is still the only way for him to learn. Really...no help in ANY way. He'll get off his butt when he's faced with homelessness....trust me. :-) You have to follow through too...he has to know that he has no one else to fall back on. If you help him even a little, you're just reinforcing this behavior that you have instilled on him his entire life.

denver3

Hi,
I am dealing with my son also who is 20 and living at home. It took his crazy partying to calm him down, about a year ago his liver was failing due to the partying. He now has a better prospect on life and is not reckless and has his life on track, after coming to face with the possiblity of death. Though, we had to be really tough on him in the end, taking away EVERYTHING from him, not paying for anything. In the end he paid the price, and I hope others can fix it before it turns out like that. Definately take the upper hand and be tough!! We wish we would've, but its just the way things happened. Good Luck!!

pjc2809

Sorry to say this...but you are enabling him to stay right where he is and do just what he does. He is in a "comfort zone" and in control of every situation it seems and that puts a 21 year old on an utmost power high. It may be time for him to leave the "nest" if he doesn't shape up. What kid wouldn't want to stay at home with parents who do everything for them? He's 21 not 12...please, it's time to make him a man. If not, he's never going to survive socially, financially, economically, etc. out there in the real world without the two of you. Besides, isn't it time for mom and dad to have their own life? Good Luck .

MaLance

Hi. I really have no advice for you as I am in a similar position. I have several questions for those out there. My son is 18 and is basically acting the same way but we did bring him up to be responsible and did not hand everything to him but the last 2 years have been out of control. I saw the one message to kick them out and I physically have on several occassions, packed his bags and put them out on the driveway and everything but he keeps coming back. I have no idea how keep him out. I know this sounds mean but he really needs to be on his own to understand. I don't give him any money and have not for the past year a half but I found out my wife was slipping him some here or there. He is not in college because I will not pay for it and fankly he does not know if he wants to go or not especially after the experiment at the local community college failed. He has a very part time job but thinks that is adequate. Every time I try to talk to him about it the situation it turns into an argument. There are several themes that always run through these arguments that I need some answers to because he says I have no clue what I am talking about and too old fashioned. The first is about paying rent. If he lives in the house I want him to contribute to the household finances but he argues that none of the kids he knows has to do that anymore. Is this true or is he in fantasy land? The second is his cell phone which we pay for now. I want him to pay for that as well but again his argument is that no other parent requires this of their children. Now I am not that niave but was wondering if I am in the minority or the majority. Unforntunately his cell phone is part of a family plan and there is a hefty fee for canceling before the 2 years are up. Once it is however, it will not be renewed. Lookng forward to your thoughts.

SuperMario

MaLance I am 19 and live with my parents. My parents pay for my college. I go to county now then will go to a cheap four year to get my masters in speech. As long as I am going to college I can live with them, thats their rule. They even said that after college I can stay with them for free until I save up for my own house as long as I am legitimately saving for a house. You forcing him to pay rent when he is not going to college is perfectly fine. I pay my own cell phone bill. I pay for my cars gas. I help with the car insurance. I was going to a 700 dollar a credit college and I foolishly failed all my classes last semester. I now owe my parents 15 grand when I get out of college. He seems to be trying to mooch off you. Do not let him. My cousin did that and he lived with his parents till he was like 30 and he never got a job or anything. You have to tell your wife to be firm with him. Its best for him if you get him in college consistently or tell him he HAS to pay rent. My opinion though and good luck with him.

MomofThree

I have an 18-year-old son. No license/car, job. He seems "afraid" to do anything. First day of college starts in two days and he claims he isn't going. Same bad-attitude as original poster, but 18 seems young to send out to the streets. It is frustrating, I know. We will have to take away the phone and the computer until he shows progress somewhere!