SageMother

It might not be true in all situations but I have seen some relationships that seemed terrible, work out to be the best thing for both parties. Perhaps there are needs that no one else can see or understand that makes these relationships thrive, but the people who are in the relationship are usually the best judges as to its worth.

2old4this

I'm brand new to this forum but not brand new to parenting. My advice is to trust your daughter to do what is right for her. Don't offer advice unless she asks for it. I say this only because I've had my own challenges with my own daughter over the last couple of years. And this past year I have watched her evolve into a responsible young woman. I have discovered that if I don't ask her questions, she is eager to share her thoughts and her life with me. There is a special trust between us now that I cherish. She does not always make the choices I would make, but that's okay. It's more important that she be comfortable in her own skin and build a life according to her plan, not mine.

Freezieframe, I realize you posted awhile ago, but if you happen to read my post, know you have my prayers.

freezieframe

Hey guys, sorry I haven't posted, I lost this thread. This is an update on my daughter...21, and her b/f, 34....
I decided to meet him, in May, at my older daughter's bday. I spent several hrs with him, in a group setting. I talked with him, and kept it very casual. I watched the way my daughter acted with him, and I could tell things weren't as rosy as she tried to make me think. A day or so later, she and I talked, and she admitted that he was getting on her nerves, that he was too clingy, and some of his stories didn't add up. I agreed with her, and told her that I was still not ready to welcome him with open arms, but that time would tell all stories, and one day her dad and I might be apologizing for our narrow mindedness...
Fast Forward...
In August, my daughter left him, after she found out he had a 4th child he'd never told her about. He'd gotten a girl pregnant when his wife was 8 mos pregnant with his 2nd son. He gave up his rights to his 1st child, a girl by a college sweetheart, and his 4th child, a boy. He does pay child support for his middle 2 boys by his ex wife. He dumped his ex wife for the girl before my daughter. He left his ex deeply in debt, partially b/c he was demoted for using drugs on the job. They didn't fire him b/c he 'was such a good closer'....even with his demotion he is on track to make around 100k this yr(I saw a ck stub) When my daughter started dating him, she had almost 4k saved for a down pymt on a new car. She has now gone thru her savings, and is over 3k in debt b/c he took a credit card she never used out of her wallet and charged it up. When she missed the card, she cancelled it. She had no idea he'd been using it until the bill came in. (June) She confronted him, and he cried and promised he'd pay it, so she didn't report the charges as fraudulent. So far he's given her $200 toward the balance. She did get him to sign a 'contract' of sorts, admitting the charges were his, and he agreed to make mo pymts, but his 2nd pymt is late. She quit her job(as a personal trainer) b/c even though they didn't work at the same location, he is upper mgmt, and it was too hard on her to stay. He called constantly, managed to get her relocated to a less busy gym, and stalked her and her friends, so she ended up taking a temp job in Indiana for a month, just to get away.

She came home 2 wks ago, and has found a job in another line of work for now, even though training is her passion. She is still in college, she maintained her classes online. She is happier than I've seen her in quite some time. She is casually dating again, which is unusual for her to move on so quickly. She says the whole situation seems like a bad dream, and she doesn't think there were ever any real feelings on her part. I'm hoping this post may help other parents/kids who are experiencing this kind of thing, maybe someone can see it before it gets too deep. Thank goodness this man wasn't violent......She has told me stories of how controlling he was, how he pretty much moved himself into her apt, how he'd come to her work and wait on her to get off, how she couldn't even take a bath w/o him sitting in the bathroom with her. Of how if she didn't call at the exact same time every day, he would whine and say she didn't love him. Of how he looked thru her phone to see if she'd called any old friends, and how if she called male clients, he would get upset. She said that toward the end, she would go to school early and sit in the computer room, just to be able to think. She said she knew things weren't right, and would put her thoughts on paper and memorize them, so she could tell him how she felt, but he never let her finish what she was saying, he'd interrupt, or change the subject, or whine to the point she'd just quit talking. She'd started taking sleeping pills at night, so she wouldn't have to deal with him. She tried to leave in July, but she wasn't strong enough. He is a sales professional, usually the top grossing in the company. I'm guessing that's what gave him the upper hand, after all, he spent every waking moment of the day selling himself. There is much, much more I could talk about, but we'd be here all night.....

I cannot express to anyone how awful these last few mos have been. But my daughter made it thru, and I'm sure she's learned a lesson or 2 about deceit. And when she left him, she stayed with us that night, and she told us how thankful she was that we stood our ground, and didn't welcome him into our family, b/c if we had, she probably would have married him. That is how brainwashed she was. Those statements by her meant so much to me, I was wondering if I was being too judgemental, b/c everyone deserves a 2nd, and 5th, and 400th chance. But I was never able to shake the feeling I had, he was just CREEPY. And in the end, my daughter figured it out by herself.....

Thanks to everyone for listening, and I will post again with updates..

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'choices'...