Thunder

I need to know how to build my daughter self esteem up with out tearing her up. She has always been a follower which I don't understand that personally speaking. I figured by now she would have grown out of it, but she has not. I want her to be able to trust her up bring and realize that she has to become her own person rather than follow others. Any suggestions on how to do this. She is going to be 15 in a few days.

penguinmama

Seems to me, building self-esteem is not something that can be done in a short time, but is a long-term effort that begins when the child is born.

However, teaching her that she should be her best and not worry about what others think is important. How? Well, that isn't such an easy answer. It will depend on her personality and your relationship with her, as well as her outside relationships and influences.

Unfortunately, sometimes it only takes one or two negative comments to wipe out years of encouragement, and I don't really know how to counteract that.

jmeyer3131

Your daughter may be a follower, but that doesn't mean her self esteem isn't good. Teen years are years of trying to fit in. Most teens find themselves in the role of follower. As long as she's choosing others who have good values to follow, it's not a big problem. The problem comes if she's changing in negative ways for her friends, or following them into things like alcohol and drug abuse.

What specifically makes you worry about her self esteem?

theglyphon

Confidence often flows from developing competance in a specific area. Feeling like they are the expert or good at one thing tends to spread into other areas. Does she have any particular skill or hobby that you could encourage her to develop?

SageMother

You haven't mentioned any activities she participates in that are not related to school but it might be helpful for her to have a hobby that allows her to develope skills that are not subject to judgement. When I was in elementary and middle school I took knitting classes, sewing classes, and played in an orchestra. The knitting and sewing classes were pretty informal and there were no attendance requirements. You showed up and practiced your knitting stitches or worked on an item you were making. The added bonus was being around other ladies, who were alot older than me mind you, and getting comfortable in being with others based on a common interest. The ladies were very relaxed and accepting. I look back on those little classes with a great deal of fondness.

Your daughter might benefit from that sort of experience. She can be in an environment that is not nearly as harsh or achievemnt oriented as her school environment, she can develope a hobby that can bring her pleasure through out her life without it being a competitive in nature, and it give her positive options when being a follower is not the wisest choice. She can retreat into her hobbies for comfort and reassurance.

Thalionore

First off, just about every 15 year-old girl has low self-esteem and is a follower to some extent. It's to be expected. Her friends have a large part to do with it. Teenage girls are downright mean and will tear eachother apart. I personally went through plenty of self-esteem issues when I was in school. I found that martial arts really helped me. Trust me, she'll eventually grow out of trying to be like everyone else and start doing her own thing.

newdad06

Self-esteem won't be built overnight. I have heard it said that it takes 10 postive actions to negate one negative action. Whether this number is acurate or not isn't really that big of a deal, the point is you will have to offer lots and lots of positive words of encouragement. More importantly they have to be specific and they have to be real. Teenagers are super suspiscious of any compliment. If you tell her she did a great at something, lets say she drew a picture and its hardly recognizable and you said, "Wow, that's a great picture." She is going to know your lying. But, if you notice that she spent a lot of time on thr project and you commented on how hard she worked on it and told her you noticed she spent a lot of time, she is going to know your sincere. Keep your esteem builders to identifiable actions.

Also, find out what she knows and let her teach you about it. For instance, I noticed my daughter was using html. I asked her where she learned it and then had her teach it to me. I knew about as much as she did, but I let her explain it to me and let her be the expert. Confidence always comes with expertise, as long as she knows a little more than you about something, she can be the expert. What does she know? Find out.

Kaytee

I agree with new dad, also I know that a positive comment from a parent doesn't mean much. I know thats sad but at 15 she needs encouragement from others, not family. Trying things like karate, or swimming, or any other sport activity, or any type of after school activity, where other adults can give postiive feedback is worth looking into.

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happy2bg33k

There's a wonderful book out on this subject: Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher it's been around for a few years now, but it's very relevant and speaks to the struggles young girls face in our society. I would really suggest reading it and have your daughter read it too. It could open up some dialog between the two of you.

bmcintyr

I think keeping her involved with other kids her age, it'll eventually make her build more Self-esteem.

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