Xero

I hope this is the correct forum to post this. It's a question for myself, but concerning my parent, and since I'm a young adult, I figured hey why not!

I was wondering if anyone had some advice for me. When my bio mom got pregnant with me, my bio dad ran off. Or at least, that's all my mom really told me. She never had a whole story for me. Just that she got together with this guy, she got pregnant even though she was on birth control, and he didn't want to deal with it so he ran off. She even told me that shortly after, he got married and had two other kids. That kind of made me feel like, why them but not me? But oh well to that. Continuing on, she said she tried to send him pictures, but he sent them all back without opening them. She said when I was about 6 months old, he wanted to see me, but she told him no it was too late. I have never heard his voice, never met him, never even seen a picture of him. I'm 21yrs old now and I have a little boy of my own. Now that I know what being a parent is like... I kind of wonder what my father thought. I never attempted to contact him, not once. I never even asked if I could. I don't know why. I guess I just accepted that he was nonexistant to me. It's hard to tell.

A long time ago, I looked for him on the internet, because I know his name and round abouts where he lives. I found his phone number. And even though it was what I was looking for, I haven't used it. I have it in my phone but I haven't done any more than look at it. I just wonder if he would want anything to do with me? Does he ever wonder about me? Would he want to know that he's a grandfather? Would I only be bothering him if I called him? What would I even say if I called him? Oh hi, this is your long lost daughter....lol. Seriously. Just wondering what you've been up to for the past 21 years... and all that.

Every time I think about it I get all scared and I get this super strong feeling in my gut that freaks me out. It doesn't seem like a big deal to me until I pick my phone up and think about it, and I feel like I'm going to throw up.

Why do I feel like this? Why can't I just be an adult about it and check it out? What should I do? Should I even bother with it? What would I say? Sorry I'm getting all personal and dramatic on you guys, I'm just wondering if anyone would have anything helpful to say. Thanks...

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Xero

I guess I'm also kind of scared to set myself up for failure. I don't think I could take it if I called him up and got a negative response. But I don't know why!! He never mattered before, so why would it matter now, right? Right??? D=

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mom2many

It matters because it is important to you, no matter how many times you say "well it's not like he has been there for me" that doesn't change one simple fact, who is my dad? What are my other sibling like? And so on.

I am also sure that you are questioning your mom's role in why he has never been a part of your life. There is always two sides to a story, and somewhere in the middle is usually the truth.

Call him, with no expectations, go in knowing that this is may not work out, he may not want to be a part of your life or your babies (which by the way she is adorable!) and also understand that the first conversation is going to be uncomfortable, for both of you. So the first round you may not get what you need out of it, but if he is receptive and more conversations can follow then let them happen. Maybe by the time he got his "stuff" togather he felt it was to late to be in your life and didn't want to disturb your home.

The only way to get these answers is to make the call, a little background on me, my dad left when I was 7-8, and never looked back, he has another DD that he has raised on his own, I am involved with his family but he still has nothing to do with me, they say he reasons are "he hurt me and is afraid of how angry I am with him" The thing is I am not angry with him, my mom worked very hard when I was young to never say one bad word about him, any bad feeling I have are mine and mine alone, but even knowing all that I still would like a relationship, a good point is during a newspaper interview about something he was working on he acknowledged my kids as his grandkids, but I still don't hold my breath.

You won't know until you try.

Good luck!

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Mom of pretty good kids.

Missy

wow I feel for both of you. A lot of times when we fear calling it is our fear of rejection. However, you never know until you try. One way to prepare yourself is to write down the things you want to say, ask, and even how you feel. Then when you are on the phone and you are nervous you can refer to your list. I do agree that the 1st conversation will be difficult for both so dont ask all your questions. Ask if you could call again and just talk about things.
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Missy~
Parenting made Easier
tripleaytche.com

Xero

Mom2Many - You really struck how I feel right on the nail. I've always wondered what the other side of the story was. My mom told me very few details, but they never seemed to favor him. I just wonder if he has something different to say. Or if he even cares. And I wonder, do I look like him? Do I get any personality from him? Just in general what is he like? And my boyfriend and I are both fairly short people, and our son is a very big/tall boy, and I wonder if he gets that from my bio dad. My mom told me he was tall. And I wonder all the other things you said, too.

Thank you so much for the advice, I guess I'll just have to suck it up and accept that it might not work and just give it a try.

Missy - Yeah, I do fear rejection. I guess there's always the chance that the phone call could leave me feeling hurt. I just have to call with the hope that maybe it will be positive. That's an awesome idea with the list of things to say... I know I'll get nervous and since I'm scared about not knowing what to say it could become awkward, but I bet if I write it down and look at my paper that could help me out a ton.

Now if I could just get up the guts to do it.

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only2degrees

I got pregnant at 21 by my BF of 5 years. He told me to have an abortion. When i asked him why, he told me that he was having a baby with another woman in a few weeks! That was 21 years ago. I now have a 20 year old daughter and she has a half sister who is 6 months older. She met her birth dad when she was 7. He has spent the last 13 years letting her down, but she knows it is not her fault. He tries to be a dad when he can, but he just can't do it. My DD is glad she met him, and is even happier that she lives with me :-)

If you want to talk to her, let me know and I will give you her information. I know she will be happy to share with you her experience and how she deals with it.

Let us know what you decide...

LV
only2degrees

Xero

As an update... I know, and used to have a relationship with his sister. She lives in PA like I do, where my father lives in FL. I call her my Aunt. I haven't talked to her in a couple years, but I just called her the other day with this idea in mind. I figured, if anyone knows what I want to know, it would be her, right? She's a really great person and I'm very happy to be back in contact with her, but she didn't really say what I wanted to hear (which isn't her fault, she was only being honest).

To make a long conversation short:

I asked her, "Do you think my father would want a relationship with me?"

And she said "To be completely honest with you honey, I don't want you to have any hope in that at all. If I had to tell you yes or no, it would be no. I don't know why he is this way, but he actually hasn't even talked to me in three years because I became involved with you and your mom, but don't feel bad about that. I don't want to be the one to hurt you with this answer, and I know you've probably been wondering, but I don't want to give you a sense of false hope."

I have to admit, I called with every thought and intention of not caring one way or the other what her answer for me was. I figured, I've never had a relationship with him before, why would it matter if I had one or not now? Right?

But I started to cry. I cried pretty bad. I feel stupid for it. I guess I never expected the answer to be such a certain no. I figured she might say "Oh yes, he would love to hear from you, it was just your mom that kept you away" or at least "I'm not sure, but I bet if you give it a try it might just work out." Just fantasies I guess... I didn't think it was important. But once she said it, it hurt really bad. I wish I had never asked.

She did at least tell me a little about my brother and sister. My sisters name is Allison and she's 18. I even found her MySpace, but she doesn't use it. Hasn't been on in months. But at least I got to see what she looks like... It fascinated me that we had the same teeth and eyebrows, and even similar noses.

I don't want to get all mellowdramatic or anything, but I'm jealous that I didn't get to be raised with them... I bet their family was nice. The way I grew up was almost never pleasant. My early childhood till 13yrs I was raised by my biological mom who was very very sick mentally and physically and I was an only child. I was very very alone. The only interaction she ever had with me at home was mental or physical abuse. And I was teased and had no friends all throughout school until maybe 9th grade. I ended up in foster care to say the least, and I love and appreciate my foster family, don't get me wrong, but I was just one extra kid in a household full of other ones. There was nothing special or family about it, to be honest. I was taken care of, and loved, but it wasn't what other kids have...

I'm being a baby, I should be happy for what I have, I know. It's just not fair that he raised them but didn't want me. Instead he left me with her. She ruined my life. She was no parent, but he didn't care. He never even bothered to check up and see if I was ok. And I wasn't. I was sent into foster care and adopted. He could have had me, but he didn't want me. Whatever. This situation really makes me hate the world.

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only2degrees

I know it is painful to be rejected by your birth dad. But you must first understand that it is not because of anything you have done. It is all about his ability to come to terms with his own issues. We all grow up in dysfunctional families - every single one of us. Some are just worse than others, but it's more about how we deal with it. We can't live our lives as victims. We have to take these lessons in life and make them positive. We have no choice...otherwise we just feel depressed and hateful. That's no way to live. You have a beautiful baby. The first thing you need to do is focus on what you want for your child and what you don't want. Write them down in a journal and then read them every day. My mom was an alcoholic since I was 12. She ruined my teen years. She didn't stop drinking until I was about 36 years old. Now I'm 43 and we don't have much of a relationship. She has too many mental issues and just hurts my feelings. I refuse to let her ruin my day! Life is too good. I now pick my family - they are my friends, my kids, and my husband. I don't have to let my mom make me feel any certain way. It is up to me to feel the way I do when I get out of bed in the morning. I can't hold anyone else responsible for my feelings.

You birth dad has to live every day knowing that he deserted you. You get to live every day knowing that you will never desert your own child. Learn from the lessons of others. And help yourself by helping others to not only not make the same mistakes, but survive them. Be a survivor, not a victim.

You know what they say - The grass is always greener on the other side. Well... the truth of the matter is - the grass is only greener on the side you choose to take care of it. :-)

Lisa "LV"
only2degrees

Xero

Thanks for saying all that, it was really nice of you. I feel like that most of the time, I guess I just get upset at times like this. And I tend to look back on it. I generally focus on what I have here and now, and I don't have much of a relationship with my mom either, just over the phone every now and again because she also has mental issues and hurts my feelings as well and I don't let it get to me anymore. I haven't had a chance to think about it when it comes to him though, so I still have to get over it. I'll be fine, really. Eli has made my whole life something that matters, and he makes me happy every time I look at him. If not for him, I might get depressed like that a lot.

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Aylimn

I really feel for you about this situation. I can relate a lot in the sense that my biological mother became pregnant with me when she was 16 and my biological father ran out on her when she was pregnant, never to be seen again. I was ultimately adopted by my grandparents and grew up thinking of them as mom and dad (and they will always be my parents as far as I'm concerned). Anyway, I can relate to your questions about your biological father and it's perfectly understandable to be nervous and upset at the idea of *actually* speaking to him.

I read your update as well, and I did want to comment that while it's nice to imagine that their life was better than your childhood, there's no real way to know for sure so there's no point in causing yourself to suffer in that way. One big red light for me about that idea is that the biological dad supposedly quit talking to the sister when he found out she was in contact with you and your mom. I don't think a ''normal and healthy'' individual would do that to someone. But that's all just speculation.

Who knows why your biological father responded that way about you and your mom? He has no reason to hold something against you because you are innocent in this, and maybe his rejection of the situation is due to the bad energy between him and your mom? In other words, unless you hear it straight out of him, I wouldn't necessarily give up hope on the matter if it's really important to you. You could always write a letter to him if the phone thing doesn't appeal (I wouldn't want to cold call my biological dad anyway, but you might have more courage than I!). That way he could have time to muse on things and you could write exactly what you want to say as clearly as possible. Then the ball is in his court.

I personally don't have the motivation or interest to contact my biological father but that is just a personal choice and I totally understand how I could have easily went the other path and wanted to pursue a relationship of some kind with him. I think it's highly individual and the most important thing is that you value yourself and your place in this world regardless of his response. But it's such an important thing that has been in your mind and in your life, that I wouldn't necessarily give up on it based on secondhand information, however well meaning it is (unless you just don't feel you have the heart to set yourself up for the possibility of that rejection, that is). Just follow your heart and instincts on it but don't put all your hopes into that basket, so to speak. I wish you the very best of outcome in this.

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''Follow your spirit without hesitation or you may find yourself following your hesitation without spirit.''