trick-r-treat

When I turned 16, I left home. When I was 18, I moved to a whole 'nother country and never went back. My daughter is 23 and has tried to leave home twice, only to come back after a couple of months. I love her and she is of course always welcome in my home, but how do I teach her responsibility? She works, but spends money like crazy. I can't get her to save for anything. I know it is late to ask this now, but I don't know where I went wrong. I just want her to know how to care for herself because I am not always going to be around.

theglyphon

Dare I ask if maybe you are making home the easy option? Is the accomodation, food, utilities all free? Do you even do things for her like fixing cars, laundry etc? Does she work? And currently she gets to spend all that money on non-essentials and luxuries? In which case going out on her own means a radical drop in lifestyle!

Some kids just get up and go. Others, I think, need a gentle push -- like paying rent and her share of the bills. You can even take the monet she pays and put it into a savings account for her--to show you aren't doing it selfishly.

Just a suggestion

penguinmama

I was taught from the time I started getting money, to put at least 10% into savings. Usually it was more like 30%. Since my family is Christian, I was also taught to set aside 10% for the church. Whatever was left was free to spend.
I also was taught how to handle money well and to handle credit. It is a difficult thing to learn, I think, when one comes into it later, but it *can* be done.

OTOH, is there some particular reason you want her "gone" before she is married? I see no reason, personally, that a young woman should be forced to move out of her father's house before she is moving in with her husband.

At the same time, your question isn't really about her leaving or not, but about responsibility, and that's a similar but different thing

Tom

I agree with theglyphon. If you're not doing so already make sure that (financially) living at home is no different than living on her own. Meaning she should be responsible for her portion of rent, bills, food, home repairs etc. It may be difficult for her to adjust but you're teaching her how to do this for when she really does move on her own.

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theglyphon

Um, if I'd stayed home until I married I would still *be* at home. There are a lot of different ways people lead their lives. But this is probably not the place to get into that.

In the end we do what we think best but I wouldn't second guess t-r-t's feelings that his girl needs to learn to look after herself before she moves on to looking after anyone else.

trick-r-treat

Well, she actually was paying $100 a week until her car broke down. Now she is using that money to pay weekly on repairs. She does have a job and sometimes brings food into the house. She is a good kid and that is not the point. I just worry that she would not be able to survive on her own because of her spending habits. She won't go to school, although I push her all the time, so she can get out of her part-time minimum wage job and get a "real" one. Also, she has a 15 year old brother that definitely has to go when he turns 18 because of his poor attitude and lack of respect. I just don't want to hear about it later on how she got to stay and he can't.

SageMother

It sounds like you need to sit down with her over tea or coffee and have a heart to heart. Explain your concerns, and find out what her interests are so that you can do some brainstorming and problem solving.

If she spends money like crazy, what is she spending it on? Are there options other than buying those items...can she make them? Can she clip coupons? It sounds as if she needs a few more options in how she works with her wants and needs.

I don't believe you have "gone wrong" with anything, but I understand your concerns. It might be good for her to meet some other ladies her age who have managed to live on their own, so she can see how it is done.

I hope this helps a bit!

Stephanie2377

I don't want to be more hard on her, but I think it is time for a reality check. Right now, she doesn't *have* to save because she has a very comfy place to stay and knows you will always be there. And, while that is nice that she feels so safe with you, it isn't spurring her on to learn how to live on her own.

I would suggest having a tough heart to heart. The two of you need to put her on a budget. She needs to account for every single penny. She needs to learn about how to handle money, and show that she is responsible.

Bottom line... there needs to be repurcussions. You will get to the point where you have to decide that she needs to get it together and move on. Your love for her might be also enabling her to not learn how to do it by herself.

I speak personally because of my husband's sister. She is now 36, unmarried, and still lives paycheck to paycheck. She has no savings, spends more than she makes and has lots of debt, and often finds herself living with friends. She lived at home for WAY too long until my ILs made her leave. She ended up homeless 2 months ago, so we let her stay here for 2 weeks. We helped her put together a budget, and encouraged her to learn how to handle money. She is now back in the world, and hasn't learned a thing other than when things are rough, she still has a warm place to stay. How did that help her? She doesn't need to learn how to handle money, because she will be rescued. We didn't help her at all, we just enabled her.

We all decided that tough love was the answer. The next time she spends all of her money, can't make rent and is kicked out.... she either has to go to a shelter or to a friend's house. It is time for her to hit rock bottom.

I don't want this to happen to your daughter, which is the only reason why I shared it! I hope you can help her to get it together before it gets to this point. HUGS... I know it isn't easy to help our kids become adults!

bmcintyr

I would suggest her paying rent. See if that helps her save her money.

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tater03

She does need to learn that she has to help you pay for things if she is going to live with you. I mean in all honesty what would she do if her car had broke down and she was living on her own? It is for her own good if you decide to make her start paying her way whether she's at home or not.