Jeremy+3

Amelia doesn't need to get up for school until 7:30, if she was up at six her bedtime would be earlier, 10 p.m. latest.

About the past foster carers, you need to tell social services about very late bedtimes etc, then if it is true they can sort out those foster carers/cut them out of the system. If she is telling lies, then tell her you know she is lying and that it wont get her anywhere.

TabascoNatalie

what does it mean staying up late? is she reading, is she partying, is she playing videogames? that makes the whole difference.

if you are worried about her schoolwork, demand it. demand to do well at school. after all, she's 17 and she should know if she's heading for higher education or not?

bedtime hour itself means nothing at all.

IADad

I'm thinking a better way of thinking about things rather than "compromise" is reaching concensus. It seems like you need to sit down with her and determine the rules, that way she understands you're not being unreasonable, you can talk about the rationale behind the rules etc. Having rules without her "by-in" (at least on some level) is pretty pointless, it just turns you into family cops and relieves her of some of the responsibility. So, they become "our" rules, not just your rules.

I also wonder about having the computer in her room. Maybe it's too late to change, but I'd have the computer in a family location. That's the way we do it now, and I think that's how we're going to continue as our first son goes into his teens etc. Here's the computer, you use it here, you don't do anything or put anything on it you wouldn't want all of us to see. Now, if this is a computer she brought with her and it's been established in her room, then you have a tough time changing that. Sorry, no suggestions for changing that.

I don't think bedtime is such a big deal as a curfew. I've always been a bit of a "night-owl" and my parents gave up on bedtime in my early teen years, they said, "Okay, if you're tired in the morning, then I gues you'll learn you need to go to bed earlier." Of course I was never allowed to sleep in on the weekends or anything, Saturday was either some extracuricular activity or house cleaning, Sunday was always church.

So, I guess my point is that establishing structure and rules doesn't have to be entirely dictatorial.

bssage

I agree much better word.

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Father_0f_7

Well, I dont have a 17 year old foster child, so I dont really know what to say.
I do have a 14 year old adopted son that came into our family about a year ago.

I have a 17 year old son and here are the rules we have for him.

Doesnt have a bedtime on weekends, he can do whatever he wants as long as it's safe and we know what he's doing. As for School nights midnight curfew, in your room at 12:30, being quiet. No matter what, he know's he has to get up at 6:45 in the morning and get good grades.

Not much, he's a teenager...teenager's dont generally like their parents.

Sunday-Thursday he must be at the house. Sunday because we go to church and he WILL be there. He can have friends over to the house sunday or go over to a friends house sunday afternoon but we would prefer him to be at the house by 4. But that's only because we have family time on Sundays.

Monday-Thursday obviously because it's school nights. Sometimes we will allow him to stay at a friends house on school nights, or have a friend over on school nights as long as he actually makes it to school the next morning. Friday and Saturday night, whatever he's almost an adult and we wont be able to control every move he makes. As long as he's at church Sunday morning...I dont care.

This depends on the child. Can you trust her with a computer in her room.

We have a computer in a place in the house where all the kids have access to it. But then again, we have 7 kids, so some of them do have computers in their room.

Well, we have dinner every night together, but we also have game night on Sunday afternoons at around 4 (which is why we like him home at 4). Play board games, we have a Wii. We have the kids rotate weeks and they choose what we do.

We dont, they have jobs. That's how they learn the value of a dollar. If we give them money every week for just sitting around the house, or playing video games with friends that doesnt teach them anything.

If they do something we didnt ask them to do we will give them some money. (Dylan mowed the lawn for me because he wanted money, Dane prefers to wash our cars for money)

Now, that being said. The younger one's do get allowance because they cant get jobs...they arent old enough. But they only get an allowance if they do their chores without being asked and if they dont complain about it.
Once they hit 15 or 16 they are able to get jobs. So we dont really do an allowance unless they do something our of the ordinary.

Again, it all depends on the child. You decide what she is responsible enough for, but still remember that in a year, you can't control her...she'll probably be on her own.

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Xero

I think being a foster parent is a very admirable job. I was a foster kid from age 13. And I lived with other foster siblings, most of the time we were all teenagers. I can tell you what I have observed my (then foster) mom doing as a foster parent (much the same as what you would do as a biological parent) and I'll also mix it in with my own opinion, if I had my own teens.

TabascoNatalie - I must say that advice isn't terrible helpful. When our kids are adults, they will go out on their own and do as they please. When they're still kids (even if they're kids that are CLOSE to being adults) they are still kids. And they need to be parented. Your suggestion that parents ignore their teenagers other than to teach them how to cook and clean (which btw they wont want to do if they think they can get away with it, which in order to raise them the way you're suggesting, you'd have to allow them to get away with it) is just not going to get this person very far. Or the kid.

Our bedtime was always 10:00pm. It was actually 9pm until we were like 15 and then it was moved to 10pm, but never got any later than that because if you think about it (and this is assuming they go directly to sleep when you send them to bed) between 10pm and 6am there are only 8 hours. Any less sleep than that, or time given to try to sleep, is really unhealthy for your kids and you'll probably find them taking naps in the middle of the day which I find really unneccessary and also a step backwards as far as getting to sleep on time at night. Always remember its MORE about how many hours of sleep your kids get, than it is about what time they start doing it. I think at 17 10pm is not that horrible, even though all teens want to stay up until 2am (and of course not get up in the morning). On weekends, I would say bed time is whenever they want it to be at that age, and I would not let my kids sleep past like 10 or 11am. It will make going to sleep Sunday night very hard, and there's also no need to sleep your day away.

I gotta tell you, my siblings and I at that age weren't too interested in hanging out with our mom and dad. We just wanted to chill in our rooms, or be on the computer, or play card games with each other or be on the phone or something. We would definitely hang out with mom sometimes, like watching a TV show together or whatever but usually it wasn't on our priority list so PLEASE!!!! Do not be offended by a teen that age not interacting with you much even though they don't have anything better to do. It's SOOOO normal!!! And completely not personal.

Okay I feel pretty strongly about this, that a kid really doesn't need to be gone ALL the time. I think the maximum in a regular week for a kid to be gone from the house for me would be 3 days. My mom usually kept it down to 2, but I think 3 would be fine because a 17 year old does need that type of freedom and needs the socialization. And home at least a half hour before bed time, definitely (unless its a special occasion or certain circumstances). Weekends are good for sleepovers, but only weekends other than holiday vacations from school.

Honestly, I think it CAN be okay to let a teen have a computer in their room BUT I personally am a bit against it. Mostly because DEPENDING on the kid it CAN lead to problems. Such as NEVER leaving the bedroom in favor of the computer, which can not only make you uncomfortable but also hinder the kids social interaction with friends and activities that would be so much more important than cyberspace. And that's not too healthy. I think computer time should be limited to like an hour or two during the day on weekdays and 2 or 3 at most if there is enough freetime on weekends. I just don't think its healthy to do it longer IF there are better things to do. You know? And also, when you have kids go to bed there is also the chance of them staying up all night on the computer outside of your knowelege which is obviously a pain. Seems like why not start an argument that can be avoided, to me. I think its just SO much easier and less complicated just to have a "family" computer that stays in like - the computer room or something, or the livingroom. Somewhere that you could walk by and notice if they were doing anything innappropriate or that you could moniter how long it is being used. That's how I feel about all that, anyway. I just think that a computer can be much more healthy for everyone if it is kept outside of the bedroom haha.

My mom would generally have one day that had to be spent together as a family. It was usually Sunday, and we would go to church and then out to dinner and then come home and do something together like watch a movie or play card games or whatever. That was the usual, and then sometimes there would be the obvious other stuff like she would take us swimming or to a family member's house for a visit or to the store with her or something random like that. She liked us to be together. Sometimes if we said we didn't want to go, she wouldn't make us, but other times she would make us go even if we didn't want to cause she wanted us there.

My mom didn't do allowance, we did our chores because we were a part of the family and we helped make a mess of things so it was only fair that we helped keep things clean as well. I personally will probably give my kids allowance, of course only if they are respectful to us and they do whatever chore they are responsible for like they should. Just off the top of my head, I would say $10 a week until they get a job. Once they get a job, I guess I might still do it but it don't know how much $10 is going to matter compared to a whole paycheck lol.

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TabascoNatalie

well, i guess we misunderstood each other. what i was saying, that the most important thing at this point is to teach that young person to take care of oneself. (that's what parenting is about after all -- to get kids ready for life). I mentioned cooking and cleaning, and other things to take care of at home, because a terrible lot of young adults nowadays don't know how to do that, and that is disgraceful. And two years afterwars this girl might be starting a family of her own
it is nothing wrong if she doesn't feel like going to bed at 10, or if she needs more than 3 hours of computer time, if in general she is being responsible and not getting into trouble. if parents spend their energy arguing about these things while forgetting more important ones -- it isn't very productive either.

Xero

Right, that's lovely and all, but you didn't answer a single one of the OP's questions other than to tell them not to bother. And that was my point.

I think its OBVIOUS that you can parent your child and teach them right from wrong and have them follow the rules of your house at the SAME time as teaching them the usual everyday things like how to cook and clean. Seriously, come on.

I'm sorry, are you directly insulting me???? Is there something you'd like to say???

That's very immature for someone who is pointing out the fact that I'M young.

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Nikki

I want to thank everyone for their time and thoughts. I really do appreciate it.

Father_Of_6 and Xero, I want to give special shout-outs to you because you posted after my last one where I thanked people. I found both of your posts very insightful and helpful. Trying to figure out how to help her is very hard. While I don't wish to control her, the sad truth is she needs to be under some kind of control because she is going to fail at school (and maybe life) if something isn't done very quickly. However, I realized that I didn't even have a clue of what to do, no guideline of what's too much or too far. I know what she has had up until now is nowhere good enough. I know she's a good kid in her heart but she's totally out of control right now. I just got a call from the school today saying she was sleeping in class again. So, obviously, she is not monitoring herself in that area which means I have to step in.

And, IADad, I like that word, too. But I fear we might be at a point where I have to "drop the hammer", per the foster agency. I love your advice on putting the computer in a public place with the whole "don't put anything on it you don't want us all to see."

Again, thank you very much for sharing some of the guidelines you use in yor own family. It is great to have something to base the new rules on so that I'm not being unfair but also trying to make some swift changes in this young life so she will have a chance to succeed before she flunks out.

bssage

I wish you well Nikki. I think you have chosen to take on a task that many of us (Me) wouldnt even consider.

The only thing I would add. Try and have fun. We all have to do the hard things when necessary. But we also have fun. Even when battling with family we lighten the load every so often.

Somtimes it difficult to shake our heads and tell a joke or make someone smile when there pointed the other direction.

But it's a big part of family.

IMHO

Maybe the best thing you could give is letting here know is your always going be someone to lean on.

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