Parents Forum

htc002 · 08-06-2007, 10:32 AM

Our 19 year old son (Jim), and his 21 year old brother (Roger), have been living at home all summer, both on vacation from U of A in Tucson. They've both combined full time summer jobs and had lots of fun. We live on the ocean and they've had fun surfing, fishing, diving, sailing, and the like. They are both really good straight laced young men. Months ago I scheduled their return flight back to school for one week in advance of the start of classes. I felt this a reasonable amount of time to get moved into a new apartment, and get geared up for classes. Jim asked to stay another week, because he is having so much fun. I said no, because 1) I don't think he should be cutting it so close from vacation to school. It isn't even a full week, more like 5 days. They fly into Phoenix, have to then get to Tucson (-2 days), get moved into new quarters (-1 day), food, books, clothes, etc (-1 or 2 days). That pretty much accounts for the time. 2) It is a big coordination hassle to reschedule airlines, transportation to/from airports, etc. 3) I don't think it is a good lesson to teach your children cutting schedules too close. I think it is a parent's responsibility to teach your children good time management skills. Taking your vaca out to the last day, with no margin for comfort or error is not a good idea. My opinion is that three full months of summer fun is plenty. Roger (a senior) thinks he has had enough, and has not asked for any additional vaca time. In my opinion an additional week of vaca is completely unnecessary and more, just not a good idea becasue it is cutting it too close to the start of school. Allowing only one day between the end of vaca and the start of classes simply is not enough time. My wife says I am being unreasonable, and that because "he is a good kid" Jim should be allowed to do {whatever} he wants. She actually went so far as to accuse me of being controlling. I would really like to hear other parents' opinions. Should Jim be allowed to extend his summer vacation another week, or not?
Thanks

Kaytee · 08-06-2007, 10:43 AM

I think its a tough one. Yes you are right he should not be cutting it so close to the start of school. However he is an adult now, at 21 he should know better. If he thinks he needs to stay one more week, then let him. BUT he has to pay for the flight change and the transporation of it as wel.. Heck I went away for school myself at 19. My parents did not pay for me to come home on vacations. Not even Christmas. If he wants to do it, let him but let him be the adult he is.
Obvioulsy just my opinion

htc002 · 08-06-2007, 10:59 AM

Thanks for your reply. I agree, in part. IF, he (and we are talking about the 19 year old not the 21) was taking on the full responsibility of being that adult, (pay for his own food, airfares, car, gas, fishing gear, etc., etc) he should naturally be able to make that decion, and I would not have much to say about it. It's not like I'm throwing him out of the house. But daddy (me) is picking up nearly 100% of the tab in all respects, and being asked to front another week, and add another bunch of work (alll the transportation issues) on daddy's already very busy schedule. What I am saying is that I am trying to help him along with becoming that adult (he's the 19 year old). Jim, unlike his brother, has a tendancy to put more emphasis on fun, than responsibility, something he may need a bit of help with.

Kaytee · 08-06-2007, 11:35 AM

ok sorry I thought he was 21, but like I said I was 19 when I went away. My parents did not help me gt to school, home from school, pay for my books. It was ll me and my lovely school loans. lol Of course you should help your son if you can, absoultly your choice. But he should know what its like to start paying. You said he has a job right? So if he wants to stay, tell him he has to pay for the plane ticket changes and all of that. If he is unwilling to pay it himself, or unable to, then you are right and he needs to go back to school as planned.

Welcome to the board by the way!!

htc002 · 08-06-2007, 11:49 AM

Thanks. Can you tell me what "AP" stands for in your reply?

jtee · 08-06-2007, 12:38 PM

I think they both are old enough to make their own decisions and should deal with the fall out if it is a bad decision.

Since I don't know them or you, it is hard to assess anyone's judgment. Maybe they have a long history of make bad decisions about time management, maybe you have a history for being an over protective parent. Overall it is good to let kids feel the pain of making small bad decisions so they can adjust their behavior next time. Best they make some smaller bad decisions now, than later in life making a really bad decision, such as after getting a great job where you can't protect them from making bad decisions.

You however don't have to support any of their decision with your resources\$$$$. If they are going to stay longer, you can adjust any financial support as you see fit. If you are funding their college education, you can set conditions in advance for that support to continue. Think of it as a scholarship; all scholarships have conditions\expectations.

Kaytee · 08-06-2007, 01:12 PM

AP is in my siggy not the reply. It stands for attachment parenting. The gist is co-sleeping (I don't do that one) cloth diapering, extended breastfeeding (past one year) gentle discipline ( no spanking kinda thing). I am very in between.

mamab · 08-07-2007, 06:35 AM

I tend to agree with you, htc. There are enough things to do to get prepared for a new college year that you'd probably WANT to get back, no matter how much fun you're having.

TAR · 08-07-2007, 11:36 AM

I agree with Kaytee, If he wants to stay that week then it should be the agreement that he pays for everything extra you (dad) would have to handle for that week (food, trans., change in airline - everything!) and if he can't or don't want to then nothing should be change and he should return. You have to let him see how close it is and let him make his mistakes, if he has trouble choosing responsibilty over fun then it will be good for him to learn that he's decision was the wrong one. Even when he returns, if he has trouble because he didn't get back with enough time to handle all the before school starts things. It will be a good lesson in life!!!

My mom always let us fall on our you know what.... We always had to handle the problems our choices brought all on our own....

janus76 · 08-21-2007, 06:05 AM

i agree with you that you shouldnt let him stay on he needs the time to get organised and settled in maybe you shoukd tell them that they will be able to come home for the holidays and that wont be far away and once they have finsihed university they will have time for fun things as well as a job of course

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