[PaterFamilias]

Damn, Brent, this is heart-wrenching.

There's little I can say here that hasn't been said already. I think all the thoughts I was considering posting were summed up eloquently by Xero in her first post.

While mindful that there're always two sides to every story, the facts as you present them indicate that you have the patience of Job. I commend you on your love, your devotion, your concern, your strivance to seek help from others (i.e., folks on these forums) to help guide you, your willingness to seek counseling, and your tireless efforts to improve your marriage. Keep it up.

This may be a non-issue now (I noticed you haven't mentioned this in a long time), but I think it bears reiterating: please don't cheat. I understand you have sexual needs and that they may feel overwhelming at times. But remember that when you have an affair, you don't just cheat on your wife, you cheat on your whole family, including your children. Having an affair betrays the "pool of trust" that a family shares. Don't do it, please.

There are other ways. Some people turn to their religion, like your mother-in-law. Some turn to yoga, or focus on exercise, or find some other constructive outlet for those energies. That's worthy of a whole forum thread in and of itself.

I agree with Xero that it's better for the children in the long term to have the presence of two parents in the household, and for the parents (or even if it's just one parent) to swallow all this stuff. Yes, that's a killer for the parent, but life slowly kills you. There's nothing we can do to avoid that. This heartache will age you, will take its toll on you emotionally and physically in the long run, but you must suffer these slings and arrows for the good of your children, so they have a stable household. They need you and they need their mother. I'm surprised to see, though, that your wife was willing to be separated from her children like that, and didn't try to take them with her when she was out of the house. I think it's better that they remain with you, given her bevy of mental health issues, and the fact that she seems to accept that too tells me that she is self-aware, and can't help herself. It seems to me that you must think of this situation in terms of your wife is sick. Her sickness isn't polio or tuberculosis...that would be easier to deal with, because she'd look sick, and the visual reminder would help you put it into context. You might have an easier time dealing with the lack of physical intimacy and the other issues if you had that visual reminder all the time. No, in your case, her sickness is a mental illness -- depression, self-esteem issues, etc. -- and it's easy to forget that what's causing this is her sickness.

Personally, I don't buy the rubbish that a lot of marriage counselors peddle that "it's virtually impossible for marital problems to be the fault of only one partner." Sure, that's job security for them...two patients to treat, so twice the issues to deal with, so twice the sessions, so twice the additions you put on their house. I'm not saying that marriage counseling is bad or unproductive, but there's definitely an unavoidable conflict of interest inherent in the marriage counseling / psychology profession that you have to be mindful of at all times.

In many cases, where one partner suffers from depression that stems from physiological issues, or trauma that precedes the relationship, or self-esteem issues that precede the relationship, etc., it's unfair to say that the depressed partner "isn't getting what she needs" from the other partner. That's blaming the victim. The mental illness is victimizing both of you, and it's unfair to put any blame on you, as it's unfair to put it squarely on your wife. She is sick. I'm not saying she's faultless for not doing everything she can to deal with her depression, but what the heck are you supposed to do? You can't give a depressed woman "what she needs." You're not a psychiatrist or a mental health professional. You're a loving guy who saw something wonderful in this woman, fell in love with her, and then had her depression run roughshod over both your lives. You were faultless in this, and I have nothing but contempt for the notion that most marriage counselors peddle that you are somehow remiss in giving her what she needs. You could never give her what she needs. She could be married to Buddha or Jesus Christ or the Dalai Lama or -- dare I say it? -- Dr. Phil, and she'd still be unhappy.

All I can say to you is, find some passion of yours to be an outlet for your sexual frustration -- yoga, making music, devoting yourself utterly to your children...whatever -- and throw yourself into it until your eyes bleed. Masterbate to release the physiological need for sexual release. But do NOT cheat on your family, please! Some day, your children will be the final arbiters of all this, and they will have the benefit of 20/20 vision that hindsight affords. They will be the people to ultimately judge whether you did right by this situation or not. Live and act for that judgment. We can't make those kinds of judgment calls here and now, while you're living in the moment. Remember that your wife is sick, and that you are dealing with a sickness, and that such is among the many hardships that life affords us. A great philosopher and spiritual leader once said that "life is suffering," and we must accept that, and find within ourselves the strength we often don't believe we have so that we can keep living, keep providing for our children, and keep doing the right thing from a farsighted perspective.

Good luck, and my thoughts and empathetic heart are with you.