"The Talk" When and what

[IADad]

So, DS1 (10yo) got the lesson at school this year about the biology of human reproduction.

So, that got me thinking that as much as I do not want to face the inevitability of my son become sexually active, that it is inevitable and that being proactive is probably the best course of action.

He goes to Catholic school, so I know he's going to be taught abstinence and not contraception. And as much as that's a lovely ideal, I need to be sure my son and anyone he "pals around with" are safe.

So, I want to have a talk with him about:

-How the religious view and his practices are a matter of his own conscious.
-How, he's going to start feeling urges about girls (or should I say "others?" I don't want to be homophobic in this discussion. I don't think he's attracted to boys, but at this point can we really know? ) and that I'd prefer that he waits until he's older.
-How along with the experience comes with responsibility, and how he needs to consider what can happen should contraception fail.
-How he needs to protect himself and his future family, because thinking you know what partenr has or hasn't done, isn't the same as being absolutely sure.
- And foremost about respect. That you never use sex as a tool, you never coerce anyone, and never take advantage of someone who's impaired or in a bad emotional state. It's a gift freely given and exchanged and both people have to be willing to consent for i to be a good thing. Always treat a partner as a person who matters in this world.
and on the subject of impairment to be extra careful, because people do things they wouldn't otherwise do, and people regret some of those decisions later.

there's more planned in my head, about appropriate relationships etc.

But the question is, when? Is this too much to lay on a 10yo? or is this exactly the right to to have the discussion, if for no other reason to open up the topic so he knows he can talk to me.

The last thing in the world I want to have happen is for me to say something stupid like "Have any questions?" He says "Nope" and me to wander off thinking, "Well, good, we've had the talk."

Thoughts?

Maybe from some who've been there?

[mom2many]

You know this is a funny question, cause I don't think I have ever really had the "talk" with my kids. I mean I taught every thing you just mentioned, but never all at once or in a sit down fashion.I think it was just progressive in this house.

See something on tv, talk about it. Hear something on the radio, talk about it. Standing in the condom isle waiting for a prescription, talk about it.

The funny thing is I have been thinking about this a bit also cause Cole is gonna be 11 in a week, and I don't know that as many opportunities have presented themselves with him or Vanna (8) for that matter. I mean realistically they know quite a bit, they have 4 much older siblings, but the question really is how much?

I'm thinking that next year, since I am homeschooling and they missed out on the school's talk, to add a 'course' in. Hell, I don't know. Maybe I'll ask the older kids what they think, see what I could have done different or not.

[IADad]

Originally Posted by mom2many

You know this is a funny question, cause I don't think I have ever really had the "talk" with my kids. I mean I taught every thing you just mentioned, but never all at once or in a sit down fashion.I think it was just progressive in this house.

See something on tv, talk about it. Hear something on the radio, talk about it. Standing in the condom isle waiting for a prescription, talk about it.

The funny thing is I have been thinking about this a bit also cause Cole is gonna be 11 in a week, and I don't know that as many opportunities have presented themselves with him or Vanna (8) for that matter. I mean realistically they know quite a bit, they have 4 much older siblings, but the question really is how much?

I'm thinking that next year, since I am homeschooling and they missed out on the school's talk, to add a 'course' in. Hell, I don't know. Maybe I'll ask the older kids what they think, see what I could have done different or not.

The fact that you, with 4 older kids, say "hell, I don't know" somehow gives me comfort.

I see what you mean about talking about stuff as it comes up, I'm just afraid that if I don't organize some thoughts I'll forget about something. I guess I feel some added pressure because he's the eldest, so he doesn't have any siblings to impart knowledge (accurate or not) on him.

[cybele]

I took the taking stuff as it came out route too. We do talk quite openly about sex (mostly when Sasha isn't around though) in our household through.

I never had the sit down one-on-one with any of my kids (other than the "girl talk" but thats different)

I did want to find out what they were learning at school, all my kids go to public school so abstinence-only wasn't the issue, I just wanted to "fill in the gaps" or so to speak.

The thing is, kids surprise you and often have questions that you don't know the answer to, so you have to go and look something up and get back to them.

[Father_0f_7]

I don't know that I really had a sit down talk with anyone except Dylan. He was the first I spoke with about it (Amber spoke to Megan) so I did it differently.
I did notice that with Dylan when we sat down he started tuning things out after the first minute...In one, ear out the other.

We did more what M2M was saying with the others and so far so good. Billy and Kaitlyn know quite a bit but like M2M said, that's probably because they have the older siblings.

I think this is one of those parenting things that you never really get "right". It's always something you say "did I do that right, or did I totally just screw that up?"

[bssage]

I also am in M2M's camp. I take time to thoughtfully respond to any and all questions. I also will maybe pause the tv or take a little extra time explaining something that happened.

Times are different now. I would think all/most of our kids will have the mechanics of sex down by there early teens. Just because you cant spit without hitting something sex related any more. So I really focus on responsibility, Relationships, and safety.

It also has a direct link on my ongoing never ending series of lectures about how poor choices restrict our options later in life. And that goes for racism, sexism, smoking, and drugs, ect ect.

Its not a sit down timed lecture. Just every time I see an example or opportunity I will exploit it with a little of this.

I would guess someone who studies parenting could probably give a specific amount of time during a parental lecture that we can successfully hold there attention. I would also guess that number would be on average surprisingly low.

[cybele]

I do find with my kids though, get them on the topic of sex with at least two of them there (rather than just a parent and a child) and somehow their attention spans last a lot longer than it would with any other topic.

[NancyM]

It was basically the same with us, Max took the course in health class. (Public school) I think they actually advise abstenence, but also add in the other facts.

I think I would let him get the class information first than, ask how it went and feel him out if he wants to ask more questions.

At 10 he still has a little time, I did it little by little like the rest said.

[bssage]

My mom had instructed my dad that it was time to have "the talk". He used our chickens/roosters as examples aids.

I thought I had to jump on a standing girl and hang on while chipping away at her neck with my beak.

Thanks god for lame 70's porn.

[NancyM]

Originally Posted by bssage

My mom had instructed my dad that it was time to have "the talk". He used our chickens/roosters as examples aids.

I thought I had to jump on a standing girl and hang on while chipping away at her neck with my beak.

Thanks god for lame 70's porn.

OMG OMG hysterical.

I suppose you weren't the MOST popular guy with the girls after that bssage. lol Thanks for the visual.