Help - How do I get my son through this?

[Kidsbutnoclue]

Hi all,

I’m new to the forum, here because I am worried about my son but don’t know how to handle it without invading his privacy. This is a bit of a long story, so please bear with me.

My youngest son, Josh, is fifteen. He was adopted by my husband and I three years ago (i.e. when he was twelve), after having been severely neglected as a baby and then bounced around the care system for several years. Suffice to say, when he came to us he was in pretty bad shape, with a lot of social and emotional issues, and a bit of PTSD thrown in for good measure (joy).

We knew he had a huge mountain to climb and were prepared to do whatever we could to help him climb it, but when he started at our local school in the autumn, we were blessed with what I honestly consider to be a minor miracle (and I do not say that lightly, believe me). Another new boy, JR, was joining the class at the same time as Josh. JR was (is) smart, charming, outgoing and handsome, and I’m sure could have easily gotten into the ‘in’ crowd pretty quickly. Instead, he decided he was going to be friends with my socially awkward, emotionally stilted and painfully shy boy. If I’m honest I still don’t understand why (all I can think of is that they happened to be new at the same time?), but I am grateful for it every day. They very quickly became inseparable, and have been ever since.

In the three years since then, my son has come on by leaps and bounds. Honestly, you’d barely recognise him, and I know for a fact that his friendship with JR has played a huge role in that. Don’t get me wrong, Josh is a very strong individual and has pulled himself up like you would not believe, but I know that JR has provided all kinds of support, way beyond what you would expect of a pre-teen/teen.

Which brings me up to the present day, and my problem: I am beginning to suspect that Josh is rapidly falling for his friend. I’ve long suspected he was somewhere on the gay/bisexual scale, although he’s never said anything. I’m basing this partly on observation of him day-to-day, partly on gut feeling, and partly on the fact that his drawings of people (he draws a lot and he’s very good) almost exclusively depict young men with some or all of their clothes off. Recently, these young men have begun to look an awful lot like JR, sometimes even featuring a very distinctive physical characteristic that he has, which was what made me suspicious in the first place, but now that I’m aware, a lot of other bits and pieces are rapidly falling into place: The way he talks about him, the way he looks at him, everything points to my boy having a major Thing for his best friend.

I don’t know what to do. If I’m honest with myself, I know there’s nothing I can do except let things take their course, but it’s so hard for me to watch. That kid is so important to Josh, and I feel certain that this will drive a wedge between them when it comes out (and it will, I’m sure of it, from the pictures if nothing else). Even if JR takes it well and isn’t grossed out (which is a lot to ask for a fifteen year old boy, even one as level-headed as JR), he definitely wouldn’t be comfortable with the level of physical intimacy they have now (they’ve always been very touchy-feely – lots of hugging and play-wrestling, and I’ve walked in on them alsleep on each other during a movie or whatever any number of times). As mentioned above, Josh has ongoing issues with people and intimacy in general, and JR is one of very, very few people who are allowed to touch him freely. I feel sick at the idea that my boy is going to lose so important a relationship over something over which he has no control.

So yeah, sorry for the long post. I don’t really know what I’m asking for, but just typing it out has helped a little. I’d welcome any thoughts or advice you might have for helping to steer my boy through this!

[cybele]

I think, like any friendship that develops into feelings, this might just have to play its course. Theres a good chance that if Josh gets the feeling that JR isnt interested that he wont act upon it and wait until someone who feels the same comes along, or he might dive in head first, either crash and burn or be surprised with a good outcome.

The poor kid seems to have gone through a lot, but he still has a whole lifetime ahead he has to prepare for, and I think dealing with relationships is a skill set that teenagers need to learn mostly on their own.

It could also just be nothing more than a superficial crush, if JR has been the first person he has felt an equal to, and once someone else pays interest in him he realises that JR is just a really good friend, nothing more.

I think there isnt anything you can really do other than see how it plays out, especially seeing as he hasnt actually said anything, the drawings could be co-incidental, or they could even be coming from a place of admiration (ie: "I wish I looked this way")

[Testing]

cybele: The poor kid seems to have gone through a lot, but he still has a whole lifetime ahead he has to prepare for, and I think dealing with relationships is a skill set that teenagers need to learn mostly on their own.

This is true. Unfortunately. Too bad they won't listen to us any more than we listened to our parents, who were also always right.

It could also just be nothing more than a superficial crush, if JR has been the first person he has felt an equal to, and once someone else pays interest in him he realises that JR is just a really good friend, nothing more.

I think there isnt anything you can really do other than see how it plays out, especially seeing as he hasnt actually said anything, the drawings could be co-incidental, or they could even be coming from a place of admiration (ie: "I wish I looked this way")

Here's hoping. It would be terrible to lose a best friend this way. It's hard for a friendship -male or female - to survive the attraction stage, when it isn't reciprocated, once it is brought out into the open.

So, I pray that it is nothing and passes and he keeps a good friend for life.

[nwcrazy]

Just a thought.

What if JR is "somewhere on the gay/bisexual scale"?

Regardless, I think you should let things play out, as other posters have said...

[IADad]

I think I would try not to dwell too much on anyone's "orientation." If you take your concerns on that issue out of the picture, then the only realy question is how healthy his frienship is with this boy, and by that I mean; I would have concerns if my son had an unhealthy attachment to any one particular friend whether male or female. Does he have other friends now? I think high school is a great time to encourage trying to be friends and do things with a variety of people. It's the time in life when you are figuring out who you are and what you like, what you value. Consider focusing on the values, being proud of himself, being honest with himself and his friends, being a godd friend, and let his orientation sort itself out. My 2 cents worth.

[Kidsbutnoclue]

Thank you so much for your thoughts everyone! I know there's nothing I can do at this stage, or ever, really. He's going to feel and do whatever he's going to feel and do, and that's the way it should be. I guess that's why I'm venting on an internet forum, because no matter how much I know it, I still can't help that instinct that wants to protect him.

IADad - just to clarify, I don't have any concerns regarding his sexuality, whatever it may be. This isn't about that, except to the extent that it reduces by a certain percentage the chance that things might work out in his favour if I'm right (though doesn't make it impossible, as has also been mentioned). I think you've hit the nail on the head with your comment, though: Although I wouldn't classify their friendship as unhealthy (Josh has a number of interests that he doesn't share with JR and vice versa, and neither is dependant on the other day-to-day), and he does have other people he talks to, JR is really the only person who's been allowed to get as close as he is, and it's largely due to patience, persistence and understanding on JR's part. Although he's much, much (much!) better than he was, Josh still remains a very wounded kid with some major issues to deal with. He's a sweet, kind-hearted boy, but he also comes with a lot of baggage, which to be honest not many teenagers have the capacity to deal with, even if they had the desire. I think if JR went away, Josh would certainly survive, but I suspect it would probably hurt him a lot more than he's allowed anything to hurt him in quite some time. Does that make any sense?

The long of the short of it is, I know this is going to play out however it's going to play out, and me freaking out about this is really about me not wanting to see my baby hurt all over again. So yeah, thanks for listening to me vent!