Kayla's been suspended from school

[AmynKayla]

I'm not sure what to do at this point. Kayla was sent home from school today with a suspension notice. She's been suspended for the rest of the week. The school she goes to has a 3 strike policy and on the 3rd significant discipline issue for a child, they are issued a suspension.

She came home from daycare and went directly into her room. She knew I was upset. I'm not sure "upset" covers it honestly. Ashamed, disappointed, angry, appauled... yeah.

I've told her that there will be no TV, no video games, no friends at all for the next 1 1/2 weeks. At first she said "its okay. I get to stay home and play with my lego"... she "gets to stay home"... argh! She doesn't, but she doesn't know that yet.

She's looking at it like a vacation. I'm not sure how to get her to understand the seriousness of the events that led up to this nor am I sure how to convey to her just how upset I am with her right now. I've sent her to her room just because I feel like tearing a strip out of her and am trying to refrain from that. I dont really have an understanding of an acceptable or approrpiate "punishment". I am trying to get away from punishing her behaviour, but at the same time, should there not be consequences rather than her feeling like she's just scored an extra spring break?

I'm very lucky in that the daycare she goes to is able to take her. I had a friend pick her up at school today and take her there because they wanted her to be sent home before noon hour after the issue had been dealt with. The daycare had her until I was able to get away from work to come and get her.

At this point I am thankful that Kayla is small for her age. A girl that she's been having an issue with allegedly called her a name (her teacher couldn't confirm this). Kayla shoved a desk into this other girl (hard enough to knock the other girl over), jumped on top of her and grabbed her by the ponytail and started pulling her hair, kicking and hitting and screaming at her. The teacher had to physically pick Kayla up off this other little girl and drag/carry her down to the principals office. All the while Kayla was kicking and screaming and having a meltdown. The other little girl was obviously upset but was able to get calmed down. Kayla actually took longer to get calmed down than the girl she attacked. She had a lengthy conversation with the principal in the office about unacceptable behaviour and putting your hands onto somebody else and she was made to appologize (and did).

She had some other issues at daycare, but the daycare handled it and its fine. I just dont know what to say. It really bothers me that she thinks being sent home from school is a good thing. Amy

[parentastic]

Amy, she is pushing you away because it's safer than to attach and be rejected yet again. Punishing her is not the strategy here.

On the contrary. You have a UNIQUE opportunity now.
You can PROVE to her that even when her behavior is so bad that she can get suspended from school, YOU STILL LOVE HER.
Her behavior is a cry for help, and I hope you can see it that way.

What she needs right now is for you to get into her room, sit down on the floor, hug her and cry together and not let go, not let go out of your arms even if it means rocking her and holding her for hours, and tell her that school is secondary, what matters now is to understand what is going on with her, why she is so unhappy, what is going on. What she needs to hear now, is "let me help you", and "tell me what's going on, I really want to listen to it".

And yes, this is going to be SCARY for her, and she is going to act out worst for a little while, because she is testing your love. Is it real? Can she count on it? Better know now. Better get rejected now just like her mom did, anyway people die or abandon you, they hurt you and punish you and control you and humiliate you, so better now anyway. This is what is happening.

She needs love. More than ever.
You will know you have reached catharsis when she starts crying and sobbing because of your listening and love, when you can get her to admit how lonely and angry she is, when she can SAY IT ALOUD and share the depth of her pain with you and feel validated by it, and when EVEN AFTER that you still act with love and care and warmth.
Only then, can you address the issue itself - and when you do, don't punish. Simply ask HER to offer suggestions about what she can do.


Please do not let her distract you back to the original punishing routine.
You cannot win this situation through more control.
Email me.

[bssage]

I would absolutely give pstc's approach a shot. Its going to be unexpected. And sometimes that is what is needed to steer out of the rut. I think it is the approach most likely to bear fruit.

On the one hand I want to cheer for her. I always root for the underdog in a fight. I understand "not helpful" its just my first thought with your post.

I agree you need to use a soft touch to get to root cause. But I also feel some sort of sanction is appropriate. But that the sanction should be specific to fighting when other options were available. IMHO it would be different if she had been cornered. Or even sticking up for someone who could not defend themselves.

Short version: I agree with pstc, well with the majority of it. But would treat the fight itself separately. The meltdown taking priority to be addressed first and completely. The fight from the point of view that the end result could have been severely worse than what it was. And that other, even overwhelming issues dont preclude making the right decision in a fight.

If our kids get suspended its an in-school suspension. I think that is more effective than letting them stay at home.

IMHO