parenting styles

[parentastic]

Originally Posted by momtoallkids

see i think every child is different. even with my own kids. i have to take a different approach with each one. things that work for my son dont work for my daughter and neither works for my 16mo. its weird i guess. i have to change my aproach daily with them but my core stays the same.

I think it's one of the greatest paradox of parenting.
Every child is unique, yet every child also develop the same way, goes through the same developmental stages, and live the same kind of emotional reaction to similar situations.

One example:
The same punishment may be met by one child with resistance (rebellion, defiance) and with compliance for the other child (obedience, submission).
So in appearance, we could say that punishment "works" with the second one, but does not "work" with the first one.
However, both child reacts internally the same: the punishment causes resentment, anxiety, anger and emotional distress. When they live this emotion, both of them generate cortisol and adrenaline in the brain, and both have their fight/flight survival mechanism triggered.
Yet the first one has developed a coping mechanism of rebellion as a way to preserve his identity and cope with the anger, while the second one has found a different way to cope, by using submission in order to stop the source of the stress.

So in this example, it comes down (again!) to what your objectives are?
If your objective are compliance, then that didn't "work" for child #1 but it "worked" for child #2.
If your objective is to teach something, however, then you need to investigate further to see if it "worked". Being submissive and accepting to comply because of coercion is not a proof that any teaching has taken place.

Back to your question: every child is different.
But the parenting style is more tied to your objectives, not so much to each child.... even if sometimes, you may think your parenting style "works" perfectly well (depending on your objective) until you try it on a different child.

[momtoallkids]

idk. i spend more time laughing with them or at something they did than i do on disapline. they dont screw up very offen. its more interesting here than anything. i have yet to see them rebel against me even a little bit. they can be defiant, every kid can but it doesnt usually last long and giving them a few moments to cool down and think about how they reacted and discussing how to better aproach it usually works. idk maybe my kids are just unique like that. they dont take much work but i sure could write a book on all the adventures that i have had with them

[singledad]

I've never tried to box and label my parenting style (I have a strong aversion to boxing and labeling anything that has to do with human behaviour, but that's a different discussion altogether).

After reading those descriptions, I would probably fall under authoritative, and leaning towards attachment parenting. There is a lot about attachment parenting that I like, especially the practice of looking for and addressing the root cause of a problem, rather than trying to suppress the symptoms. My aversion to blindly reacting to symptoms is almost as strong as my aversion to boxing and labeling

• No CIO.
• I prefer natural consequences, but will be creative when natural consequences aren't appropriate and I feel there is a need to teach a lesson.
• I use a lot of positive reinforcement.
• I talk to my daughter a lot. I am often astonished by her ability to understand the reasons behind my decisions. Yes, the question get annoying at times, and sometimes downright exhausting, but many other times a simple, one-two sentence explanation is all that is needed.
• I don't spank (but lets not open that debate here).
• I don't like time-outs. I've done it in the past, but I would try almost anything else first. I have to admit, that my discomfort with time-outs probably has more to do with my own baggage than with anything being fundamentally wrong with time-out.

The most important things I try to give my daughter is love, security and consistency, coupled with the freedom to be herself.

I try to always listen to her and validate her feelings. I hope that I can lay the foundation now, so that she will feel comfortable talking to me as she grows older. I know I won't always be her primary confidante, but I hope that when she gets older and start facing more difficult decisions, she'd come to me for advice rather than her teenage friends. Tall order, I know, but there's no harm in trying, is there?

The most important lessons I hope to teach her before she reach adulthood, is

• to respect herself and others.
• to understand the inter-play between power and responsibility.

To me, almost everything in life comes down to those two points. They are the basic starting point from where you can figure out almost everything else. I don't have the time right now, but I'll elaborate on this at a later stage, if anyone is interested

[bssage]

Warning! If this thread stays calm like this i may have to move it out of the debate section !

Nice chart pcst

[Incogneato]

Originally Posted by singledad

The most important lessons I hope to teach her before she reach adulthood, is

• to respect herself and others.
• to understand the inter-play between power and responsibility.

To me, almost everything in life comes down to those two points. They are the basic starting point from where you can figure out almost everything else. I don't have the time right now, but I'll elaborate on this at a later stage, if anyone is interested

With great power comes great responsibility...

Who said reading comics never taught me anything?!

[alter ego]

I am 100% attachment.
(though for the first time in 13 years we are about to have our bed to ourselves for a few months, as our toddlers are moving to their own room)

[mom/gram/prof]

Hi, I think these categories originally came from Diane Baumrind, and she called "indulgent" parenting "permissive". Indulgent sounds like a little too much but as Permissive parenting I think Attachment parenting would fit there.

[parentastic]

Originally Posted by mom/gram/prof

Hi, I think these categories originally came from Diane Baumrind, and she called "indulgent" parenting "permissive". Indulgent sounds like a little too much but as Permissive parenting I think Attachment parenting would fit there.

The original categories were coined, indeed, by Diana Baumrind.
However, attachment parenting does not fit in her definition of permissive parenting (although this is a common mistake, unfortunately, which contributes to give a bad name to attachment parenting).

Baumerind defined permissive as high nurturance, but with low control, low expectations and low communication.
Attachment parenting has high communication and high expectations; control is changed for self-control and is maintained through communication and high expectations.

It's really totally different.