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    Old 01-23-2015, 04:38 PM   #1
    Beall
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    Default Advice? 5 Year Old Never Learns? Frustrated

    I'm a New Parent. I'm only 24. And i'm getting extremely frustrated..

    Scenario:

    me: What did you do?
    her: Hit my sister.
    me: Why did you hit your sister?
    her: Because you told me not to.

    That last part... Because you told me not to. She uses on everything. Anytime she does something she isnt supposed to do, she says she did it because i told her not to. This is frustrating.

    I got to the point, that I just asked her one simple question of what she did and what the consequence was. She can answer fully. What she did. And the consequence. So, in my mind, she knows exactly what she did wrong. but chose to do it anyways. This has been going on since August of this year. And i'm getting sick of it. Does anyone have any advice? She's a smart kid, one of the brightest in her class her teacher says, course, they prolly say that to all the parents long as no other parents hear them lol.

    I just dont know why she isnt learning... When i was younger. i can remember doing things a few times, and getting in trouble each time, but after a few times of being in trouble. it clicked. I shouldnt do that or im going to get in trouble. It doesnt click with her. Advice? Thanks in advance.
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    Old 01-24-2015, 03:24 AM   #2
    TabascoNatalie
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    Default Re: Advice? 5 Year Old Never Learns? Frustrated

    Attention seeking? Testing boundaries?
    And the question "why" is pretty much meaningless for kids of that age.
    She did something because she could, and she felt like it. Nothing deeper.
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    Old 01-24-2015, 06:17 AM   #3
    Beall
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    Default Re: Advice? 5 Year Old Never Learns? Frustrated

    I thought it was an attention thing as well. So I adjusted. She gets plenty of attention now. One on one. and as far as boundaries go, she doesn't get anywhere... And she knows what's going to happen. It cant be a test unless she's just dumb...

    If she does something she's not supposed to. She's in trouble. She's testing my patience is what she's doing.

    But, basically, your dating she will grow out of it?
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    Old 01-24-2015, 07:46 PM   #4
    akmom
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    Default Re: Advice? 5 Year Old Never Learns? Frustrated

    How old is she? Five? I think that's old enough to articulate at least a basic reason for doing something. What kind of discipline do you use? Is she in school or pre-school, and if so, how is her behavior there?

    Last edited by akmom; 01-24-2015 at 07:50 PM..
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    Old 01-24-2015, 10:35 PM   #5
    Beall
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    Default Re: Advice? 5 Year Old Never Learns? Frustrated

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by akmom View Post
    How old is she? Five? I think that's old enough to articulate at least a basic reason for doing something. What kind of discipline do you use? Is she in school or pre-school, and if so, how is her behavior there?
    Yes. She is 5. And my point exactly. But like I said. She can tell you exactly what shes doing, and her answer for why is because "i told her not too."

    As Far as discipline, Its consistent. Different punishments for different actions. 1 Swat or5 minute timeout option for some things, I let her choose depending what she did. Some things get a swat. Some things get a 5 minute timout. Sometimes its a 15 minute "thought break" is what the parenting classes recommended.

    Shes a bit of a troublemaker from what i understand, but im not entirely sure its accurate. She gets in trouble for the dumbest crap, so i think the teachers are just being really picky. Like, Wasting water... As a 5 year old... They wouldnt exactly tell me how she was wasting it, or how she got it. But they gave her a timeout, and a bad report for the day.

    Only other thing she ever did was color on the desk with markers. Which, i think she thought would be a good idea and bring home and color on my walls. Wasn't a good idea after all she quickly learned.
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    Old 01-25-2015, 01:08 AM   #6
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    Default Re: Advice? 5 Year Old Never Learns? Frustrated

    So what is the context of "because you told me not to"? Is it defiance? Humor? Incorrect word choice?

    I am thinking of my 3-year-old, who often responds to such a question with "Sorry." Of course "sorry" is not a reason, but she's kind of just jumping ahead because she perceives that she's in trouble and recollects that as the ultimate expectation. Could it be that when she says "because you told me not to" that she is actually answering the question of why she shouldn't have done it, instead of the question you were actually asking? Is she jumping ahead in the discussion, so to speak?

    I can't imagine why a kid would WANT to upset their parent, you know? I mean it might be for attention, but usually they are not that articulate or blunt about it when that is the case. Maybe a follow-up question would clarify things. Such as... "Why do you want to do what I told you not to?" "Are you mad at me?"
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    Old 01-25-2015, 05:44 AM   #7
    TabascoNatalie
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    Default Re: Advice? 5 Year Old Never Learns? Frustrated

    Quote:
    It cant be a test unless she's just dumb...
    At 5, children still do not have enough experience of the world to really understand certain things. E.g. Don't play with fire -- you'll burn the house down. They understand the reasoning, but do not fully understand what REALLY happens when your house burns down.
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    Old 01-25-2015, 08:48 AM   #8
    Beall
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    Default Re: Advice? 5 Year Old Never Learns? Frustrated

    Edit: Shes was only in special program because she has a bit of a speech issue. she cant say words well with S's very well. Other than that she has no educational issues in school.

    Actually This was Very helpful... Thinking back to last year, she was in a Special Ed program with her previous school, but this year, when she went to a new building/environment, they said that she still needs it, but they don't offer it for her.. So... her IEP scores show she needs it but shes not getting it.

    Maybe you are right. Because she doesnt WANT to get in trouble. She's possibly answering the question ahead of time of why its wrong. Hmmm. This brings my frustration down a lot. I have gotten to the point this past week alone that when she gets in trouble, i just send her to her room. I don't want to over react and crush her spirit or something. Hmm. Ill pay closer attention to her body language this next time she gets in trouble, and see if I can see if maybe thats whats going on.

    Shes being a Angel today... Makes me wonder what she has in store for me later lol.

    Last edited by Beall; 01-25-2015 at 08:58 AM..
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    Old 01-25-2015, 08:55 AM   #9
    Beall
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    Default Re: Advice? 5 Year Old Never Learns? Frustrated

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by TabascoNatalie View Post
    At 5, children still do not have enough experience of the world to really understand certain things. E.g. Don't play with fire -- you'll burn the house down. They understand the reasoning, but do not fully understand what REALLY happens when your house burns down.
    Makes sense. The poster above you stated that she may be answering a future question that she thinks is coming. i think this may be the case.

    Shes a really smart kid... Her teacher told us one day during a fire drill, she grabbed the teachers hand and pulled her outside because she didnt want her to get burned like a chicken.. I dont know where the chicken part came from, lol, but she grasps the concepts pretty well i think.

    She also, was given strawberries during snacktime, which, she's allergic to, but, it only causes a little rash, so its not deadly. But, the nurse asked if she was okay, and she told her yes, that she wasnt going to die, she was allergic, but not to worry cause it just makes bumps on her face. The nurse called us, not to tell us that she was given strawberries, but the story that she had been told.

    She understands a lot. And before about 4 months ago, i think she was attention deprived. My younger baby, demands so much attention. But I broke her of that when I realized it was causing my 5 year old issues. Now shes balanced, this has just confused the crap outta me. I felt like i was being defied purposely.... But you guys have helped me grasp another concept.
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    Old 01-27-2015, 08:53 PM   #10
    Anna61
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    Default Re: Advice? 5 Year Old Never Learns? Frustrated

    First make a list of expected behaviors. When you notice that she breaks a rule, don't engage in conversation but say:
    "I noticed you hit your sister. We do not hit in this house" She will then lose a privilege. Asking her why she did something is not very useful at that moment. It is better to discuss that afterwards.

    Catch her being good. When she helps with the baby or is nice to her sibling or in any way does something positive, add marbles to a jar or stickers to a chart. After so many marbles or stickers she can pick a special treat or add tv time. If she goes two days without a complaint from school, she should be rewarded as well. Even the smallest positive behavior should be rewarded and celebrated. Little by little she will realize that it pays to behave and that she feels better when she behaves.

    The toughest part is to be consistent and to actually interrupt a child that is behaving just to tell her that she is doing a great job. It is not the big chunks of quality time that matters as much as the tiny acknowledgements, the hugs or the quick smile as you walk by that matters. Make sure to praise her and ask her "What would I do without your help?" each time she helps you. Thank her each time she makes your life easier. Try to keep the ratio to 10 positive comments for every one negative comment that you give her.

    Try to increase the positive attention, stay consistent, react calmly to negative behavior, don't ask questions at the time she misbehaves but discuss the situation and your expectations after the time out. Each time out should last about one minute for each year of the child. If you decide to take away a favorite toy, do so for 24 hours the first time, two days the second time and if it happens a third time, I would consider removing the toy completely (after warning her beforehand of course). Whatever you do, do not give in once you have made a decision. She needs to know that she can trust you, even during times when she has done something wrong.

    Good luck. Don't be too hard on yourself and know that we are out here if you need help.
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