Looking for feedback on dating...

[newlittleone10]

I have been divorced for close to three years now. My ex-husband has visitation with his daughter and she gets along with her dad just fine.

I started dating again last year. My bf is very happy to be expecting a child but..he has shown some...red flags about the child I have now.
He is never mean to her...but he has made some comments I'm concerned about.
Because him and I live a few towns away from ea. other we only see each other on weekends usually. Sometime he will come to my place to spend the night.
However, once he said to me that he had an issue (not his exact words) with the "interference" he has to deal with when he does come to see me. When he said that he was clearly referring to my child. Who has a bad habit of not always knocking on my bedroom door b/f she comes in. I'm working on that with her though(she is seven).

Recently, he told me I am already favoring my dauther over his child(I'm still pregnant). This comment was in response to me telling him I needed to factor in child care for my daughter when considering when I would be over his place w/the baby. Since we don't live together I have to make preparations for my other child's school, after school etc when I'm figuring out when I can see him. I don't think that means I am favoring my daughter over the one I'm carrying. This isn't the first time he has made that kind of comment. I get nervous when I hear him say that.....what is he talking about?..Can someone shed some light on this.

Thanks

I'm an only child so maybe I'm missing something here......

[Dadu2004]

Seems to me that he's jealous. You better nip that in the bud really quickly or esle you're in for a world of trouble.

[bssage]

Men say stupid things from time to time. That's what we do.

Is he going to step up to the plate? Your not going to be living together? Your plan is to date you babies daddy from a couple of towns away?

I hope I'm wrong but I see much bigger problems than this in the future. Child support visitation ect. I'm confused.

[newlittleone10]

Thank you for replying so quickly.

Yes, this is not a good situation and I'm already seeing serious red flags.
My BF and I want to move in together after my daughter is out of school in the summer. She goes to school close to my home so it makes more sence to stay put where I am until is his out of school.

But my Bf has some major issues with anger towards me for even having been married and had a child b/f I met him.....we are working on that...if you want to call "working on it" continueing to do the same thing we been doing but expecting diffrent results.

In one breath he will say if I don't move in with him and give him a chance to see his child everyday he will hate me and possibly take me to court to gain full custody....on the other hand he says he does not want me to move in with him if I don't want to....confusing to say the least.

[IADad]

Anything BUT confusing, I just think you aren't letting yourself see the truth.

You've said "Red Flags" at least twice. There's a reason they call them red flags not yellow flags. it mean stop, don't do it and I don't think it's miswording that's making you say it. You actually said he has "major issues" with anger. If your friend came to you and said, "I'm thinking about moving in with this guy, but he has major issues with anger." What would you tell her? So, take your own advice.

So, just because you made a mistake and got pregnant by this man, you feel the need to move in with him ,even though you haven't apparently spent an entire week together every day.

He's threatening you. You don't need to work on his issues. HE needs to work on his issues. Don't bow to his petty threats. If you are a good mom and take care of your kids, no court is going to take one of them away. You need a partner, not a boss. When he can take responsibility for his own actions, when he can treat you as his equal and when he's ready to be a dad, and not a baby owner then maybe you should consider living with him. If I were you, I wouldn't even be dating him right now with the way you describe things.

[bssage]

Originally Posted by newlittleone10

if you want to call "working on it" continueing to do the same thing we been doing but expecting diffrent results.

Nicely done

I think you know what to do. You just want someone else to say it.

[Dadu2004]

Isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome...

[bssage]

yes

[16th ave.]

from what i can figure, here's what i think.....

Originally Posted by newlittleone10

But my Bf has some major issues with anger towards me for even having been married and had a child b/f I met him.....

it seems to me That is one of the biggest red flags there is. any normal man is not going to have issues with you having been married b4 and already had a kid. issues like that are Not love.

Originally Posted by newlittleone10

In one breath he will say if I don't move in with him and give him a chance to see his child everyday he will hate me and possibly take me to court to gain full custody....on the other hand he says he does not want me to move in with him if I don't want to....confusing to say the least.

that's his way of manipulating you. not a good thing.
that's also a very clear sign that more abuse is on the way once he's thinks he's got you where he wants you.
he can take you to court all he wants. but you can take his butt to court too for child support. if anyone is going to have problems it will be him if authorities get wind of how he's behaving.

Originally Posted by newlittleone10

continueing to do the same thing we been doing but expecting diffrent results.

like someone already said... that is the definition of insanity.

i agree with the rest. don't marry the guy or even move in with him--move out if you have already moved in--and stop dating him as quickly as possible. just b/c there's a baby it doesn't mean you gotta stick with the him. he's clearly showing signs of anger and control issues. they are his problems that he has to fix not you and he's wrong for trying to get you to be the one to fix them. those are not something any one needs especially a pregnant woman. you are Not favoring your daughter by doing the duties of a mother. its your job as a parent to do those things. this guy has no right to (b)itch about it. if anything he should be happy that you do them. if you already are working, stick with it. if not then get a job and stop being dependent on him to pay the bills. and stay in the town you are at since that is where your daughter is. she's settled there. she's happy there. so there aint no reason the new baby and you can't be happy there either unless problems come along between you and your ex.

the strongest way i can put it:
Run as fast as you can as far as you can. only have contact when it comes to taking care of the child.

here's a link with info and questions that you can answer for yourself that may help you out some in making your decision.
Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness: Warning Signs of Abuse
this is in there...
Relationship abuse is a pattern of abusive and coercive behaviors used to maintain power and control over a former or current intimate partner. An abusive relationship means more than being hit by the person who claims to love or care about you. Abuse can be emotional, financial, sexual or physical and can include threats, isolation, and intimidation. Abuse tends to escalate over time. When someone uses abuse and violence against a partner, it is always part of a larger pattern to try and control her/him.
&&&&&&&&&&

CAUTION: Other people in your home can tell what web
sites you visit. If you may be at risk, use a computer at work, someone else's house, an internet cafe or a public library.

Warning Signs of Abuse The following questions ask you about your relationship. If you are not currently in a relationship, these are signs or "red flags" to assist people in identifying a potentially abusive person.

• Do you feel nervous around your partner?
• Do you have to be careful to control your behavior to avoid their anger?
• Do you feel pressured by your partner when it comes to sex?
• Are you scared of disagreeing with your partner?
• Does your partner criticize you, or humiliate you in front of other people?
• Are they always checking up on you or questioning you about what you do without your partner?
• Does your partner repeatedly and wrongly accuse you of seeing or flirting with other people?
• Does your partner tell you that if you changed they wouldn't abuse you?
• Does your partner's jealousy stop you from seeing friends or family?
• Does your partner make you feel like you are wrong, stupid, crazy or inadequate?
• Have they ever scared you with violence or threatening behavior?
• Does your partner prevent you from going out or doing things you want to do?
• Are you expected to do things to please your partner, rather than to please yourself?
• Do you feel that, with your partner, nothing you ever do is good enough?
• Does your partner say that they will kill or hurt you or themselves if you break up with them?
• Does your partner make excuses for behavior, for example, by saying it's because of alcohol or drugs, or because they can't control their temper, or that they were "just joking"?

You do not deserve to be abused. Create a safety plan or call someone to talk about your relationship. You may also want to contact the police or a local domestic violence center or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE.


Congratulations for the new baby.
take care. stay safe. let us know how things go. come back any time. share with us. we are all more than happy to share the good days and bad days and advice.

[Xero]

I COMPLETELY agree with everyone else. And please do not think we are trying to make you feel bad! We want your situation to be better. It's just our way of being compassionate.

He sounds very controlling and misled about how to have a healthy relationship. And the way he acts towards/about your daughter is VERY unfair to her. Her happiness and well being is much more important than his, by far. Sometimes as lonely people who need companionship to be happy (me too) we overlook certain things that are important in light of pleasing the person we're with. One major concern of mine with your post was this:

"This comment was in response to me telling him I needed to factor in child care for my daughter when considering when I would be over his place w/the baby."

If I'm reading this right, you have to put your daughter in childcare just so you can go to his house? Why?? Why wouldn't she come with you? Would she get in the way or something? That just seems terrible to me. Why couldn't she be a part of your family together? Is that something you decided on or is it something that he talked you into because of how weird he is about her? Honestly, I think you know as well as we do that he could never get full custody.

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but this guy just sounds like bad news. He sounds like someone that I would just not want to be with. And someone I definitely would not want a part of my (first) child's life. And she comes first!!!!

IADad, I am so touched by your post. I'm gald it let me give you rep. You really are such a good guy.