Molestation Issue

[7twenty2]

I need advice on a situation in my family. A few months ago I had to move to another state due to a job transfer. I travel home each month to spend time with my family for one week.

Our 8 year old daughter needs either myself or my wife to lay in bed with her until she falls asleep. Sometimes, when my wife lays down with her, she gets under the covers and then touches our daughters bottom. At first, our daughter was surprised, and at times she would get mad at her mother. Other times she would laugh at it. I never really fully accepted the gravity of the situation - I guess I was in denial it was happening. But my wife sometimes would also put her hand on my genitals in our daughters presence. I would gently push her hand away and make a comment that it was not acceptable. I am pretty sure that my wife is not touching our daughter's genitals.

Some background information. My wife was sexually abused by her father for years. A counselor I spoke to pointed out that she touches people this way because it is the only way she knows how to express her love for someone.

Up until a few months ago, I would ask my daughter if it bothered her when her mother placed her hand on her bottom. She stated it didn't bother her. But now she is not only saying it bothers her, but that it is wrong.

I contacted a child psychologist who specializes in sexual abuse. I asked if he could counsel our daughter on this issue, but he needs my wife's approval, and the only way to get her approval is for her to admit she is doing it, something she will not do. I am at the point now that I want it to stop. The only way to get it to stop is for my wife to get counseling. I also want to get my daughter into counseling to make sure there is no impact on her future development. But if my daughter admits to it in counseling, my wife could face child molestation charges.

I am now in the position of being out of state and unable to monitor the situation. What should I do? Should I contact Child Protection Services? Should I contact the Police? Should I go home and confront my wife and tell her we need to get our daughter into counseling? Please, any advice is appreciated.

[bssage]

I pat my kids on the rump all the time. A little tickle when their in front going up the stairs. And a pinch when they arent expecting it. And I will tell you there is no sexual component to it.

Thats some pretty serious stuff your considering. I'm not comfortable advising you based off the information in your post.

[Jeremy+3]

You need to find out why your daughter thinks it is wrong. Jade likes her bum rubbed when she is tired, doesn't mean that I'm getting 'excited' when I do it.

[bssage]

Originally Posted by 7twenty2

Up until a few months ago, I would ask my daughter if it bothered her when her mother placed her hand on her bottom. She stated it didn't bother her. But now she is not only saying it bothers her, but that it is wrong.

And this whole paragraph makes me think. Is it now wrong because it was portrayed in a disturbing light? It sounds like you keep asking her over and over. Eventually she is going to figure out what you want to hear and answer accordingly.

Have you talked to mom?

I want to say of course protect you daughter no matter what. But I am not sure anything was proved in your OP. It would be devastating to be falsely accused of something like this.

I just dont know.

[kelmom3]

To me it doesn't sound like there's any sexual abuse going on. She's not putting her hands on your daughter's genitals.

In my humble opinion, I would talk to your wife first. Make her aware that her daughter is feeling uncomfortable with the pat on the bum when they lay down for naps.

I'm sure she doesn't even realize that she is doing this.

[xox.ilu.xox]

I agree with everyone else. You need to talk to mom first. If shes just patting her on the bum, really, i dont see anything even minutely sexual about that. The touching of your genitals in front of her is weird tho, i must say.

Before jumping to any harsh conclusions, talk to mom, maybe sit mom and daughter down together to talk bout it.

Thats all I can really offer.

Good luck!

[Xero]

She's NOT just patting her daughter on the bum just playing around. I do that to Eli too. She's literally laying in her daughters bed and TOUCHING her bottom. WHAT reason is there to be TOUCHING your child's bottom?? And ESPECIALLY when the child SAYS she doesn't like it and that its WRONG!!!! I mean, Jeremy, you said your daughter likes her bum rubbed at bed time (which is... a little awkward, at least) But that's not wrong because she LIKES it. She asks you to. And you're not "touching" her bottom, you're rubbing it for comfort. I really think there could be a better replacement for it, like maybe her back or something, but I guess whatever floats your boat.

However, this girl does not ASK for it, nor does she LIKE it. She doesn't like it!! And her mom does it to her anyway! THAT'S what makes this molestation. I'm sorry but I don't care what any doctor says about your wife "not knowing any other way to express her love" there is no excuse for such inappropriate behavior. She's not a child. She's an adult, and she KNOWS BETTER. In my opinion, this needs to STOP NOW (via you and your daughter getting together with her and discussing it very sternly) or you need to call children services. And make sure you always make sure your daughter knows she can tell you anything, so that she doesn't keep anything important from you if anything else is happening.

I'm sorry but as much as I like to pinch or pat my son's bum in play once in a while, I just do not ever feel the need to "touch" his bum while we're laying in bed together under the covers??????

[xox.ilu.xox]

I agree xero, there is definately a difference between a pat on the bottom and rubbing a childs bottom inappropriately. You made some very valid points that I never thought of. A stern talking to with mum, dad and daughter is definately in order as soon as possible.

[bssage]

IMO there's just to many pieces of the story missing.

He states that he has been asking his DD for months. And only recently has she said it bothers. Again she could just be saying what she know's Daddy want to hear.

If the wife has told him about her childhood. Wouldn't that alone keep those lines of communication open. He cant talk to his wife about it? And they live together?

And IMO I would think Mother/Daughter would be extremely rare. Not impossible but rare. I think if the daughter is ok with saying she rubs her butt she would be ok with saying whatever else was taking place.

But I don't know. And based off the information from the OP I don't think anyone does.

I am all for the worst kind of hell for child molesters. But I also know a guy that was wrongly accused by his Ex. Both thing are devastating to either person.

The OP did not convince me.

And before I get jumped here. I am not saying he is wrong. I am ONLY saying the OP didn't convince me.

[Xero]

I get what you're saying but reguardless of the facts being straight or not the fact is that she "touches" her childs bottom while they are in bed under the covers together???

Please explain to me how this is at all okay??? Especially, she's EIGHT! Its not like she's an infant and she's patting her butt to get her to sleep, which I have done. I don't care if the little girl is like "Yeah, I like it when my mommy touches my butt at night..." :/ :/ :/ How does that sound normal????

Maybe child services isn't neccessary, but a talk DEFINITELY is (I originally said that because I misunderstood and I thought they were seperated, not together but just living apart). At the very least, to clear things up. Why would she touch her child's bottom at night under the covers when she didn't ask for her to do it? At the very least, it is inappropriate and things really need to change. I mean just the fact that it is causing trouble in their family should be enough for her to quit it.

Even if I was weird enough to caress my child's butt every night without realizing it was weird, I'm pretty sure that if my husband looked at me one day and was like "That's kind of weird... It makes me uncomfortable, and I don't really like it. Do you really have to do that?" I would be SO EMBARASSED and I would stop doing it!!!! Even if I didn't agree, I don't see any need to have my husband thinking who knows what about me just so I can get away with touching my kid's butt at night. :/