picking battles

[margiebargie]

Me and my husband usually have good teamwork going when it comes to parenting our 3 yo daughter.

Lately, he seems to have developed this idea that he should dictate to her and that she should obey instantly. (I think he might have picked this up at the church he goes to, but not sure.) This morning there was a big altercation over which shirt she should wear under her dress! I consider this a really stupid, petty thing to fight over. They were only going to the store. It went on for about 40 minutes. She was crying hysterically and I had to step outside to cool off. I was ready to strangle him for creating such an ugly, unecessary scene and getting her upset over nothing.

Life is short. As long as she's dressed appropriately, why sweat the details? They really love each other. But I'm worried that if this keeps up, it could damage his relationship with her.

I'd appreciate any advice or insight you've got.

Thanks.

p.s. I want to emphasize that he has a really good track record of being an excellent dad. This is something that has creeped up recently. There've only been a few incidents so far. I want to stop it from being a regular thing.

[AmyBelle]

How old is your daughter?

Yeah, that sounds like a really pointless thing to argue about, and I agree with you, as long as she's dressed appropriately who cares.

[bssage]

IMO sometimes we/I get in a rut. I think there is a line between dictatorial and assertive.

If you had a way of letting him see himself from a third person point of view (since he's a good dad) without offending him. That might do the trick. A look in the mirror so to speak.

I have probably been guilty of behaving like that on occasion. Usually there is a assignable cause I.E. lack of sleep, other things on my mind, or simply needing a little time to myself. You may keep an open eye and see if something seemingly unrelated is going on.

I wont say anything about the church other than you should maybe attend just to see what going on. I don't know what kind of church it is. So I will leave it at that.

I think it a easy misstep to make going from assertive to dictatorial.

[IADad]

I know I've caught myself slipping into getting too demanding, maybe he hasn't caught himself? You didn't say if you talked with him about it. If you don't feel safe or comfortable talking with him about it and your concerns then I think your conerns truly have merit. If you can't talk to him, she doesn't stand a chance. I hope you can and I hope he comes to his senses. BTW, a lot of times when I get over zealous on an issue, it seems I also have other stress goin on in my life. So, are there other stressors he's not dealing with well?

[Dadu2004]

I would definately suggest talking to him alone and really figuring out what's important and what's not. Let him express his opinions to you and you to him and find that magical middle ground. Communication between you two is key.

[TabascoNatalie]

maybe encourage him to read some parenting literature, or to attend parenting seminars together?

[mom2many]

Talk to him...

But I have to say I would have not fought the battle, my Vanna went to school a week ago in unmatching clothes and her hair undone, she has super curly hair so she looked like Madusa...it was very scary, but I did not want to fight her on it, she is normally very good about getting ready, but that morning she was fightig everything.

I agree somethings are just not worth the fight!

[7twenty2]

I went through this same routine with my daughter. It is a pretty common phase from what I understand. For me, I was raised in a fairly authoritarian household when growing up and I swore I would never use the same tactics on my kids. But I think I went the opposite way: I was a little too quick to back down when my daughter challenged my rules. There is a grey area where we can make the decision to back down or push it on. Making those decisions are the most difficult task for me in parenting. To be honest, I had to pick up two books to help guide me though those times. The first book is "Kids Parents and Power Struggles" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. She also wrote another good book "Raising Your Spirited Child." One last book that is worth every penny is "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk" by Adele Faber.

[margiebargie]

Hi All,

I wrote a response Monday, but somehow it wasn't posted! Probably operator error.

Anyhow, I want to thank everybody for their suggestions and advice. I did have a talk with dh. He was feeling crummy that morning and that contributed to him being impatient. I was feeling crummy that morning which contributed to me having a very strong reaction.

We seem to be back to normal. It's always a tug-of-war with the little one over clothes and hair. (What a diva! ) I had to laugh at mom2many's medusa comment. My daughter has very fine hair and it tangles easily. So it takes a lot of effort to make it look decent sometimes. Sometimes its just one big knot in the back. Ugh.