Child raising principles

[Markalang]

Just read "Taming a Brat". Wow, unbelievable. I have to say that any parent who lets a situation get that far out of hand is not likely going to get back on track on his/her own, even with the most drastic of measures. I think the best advise is not to let it get that way in the first place. I read an excellent treatice (IMO) on child raising, which I have applied with great results. I'm including it here, in case it helps anyone, and welcome any comments.

CHILD-RAISING FUNCTIONS AND TENETS (from Societal Order in the Home, by William Feneg and Jonas Aler, 1960): Think of life at home as a micro-version of society. Societal order has been developed and tested over thousands of years for us all to coexist together. It should be applied as the model in the home as well. In order for any society (home) to function properly, the governing body (parents) must perform three basic functions: develop rules (laws), enforce those rules (police), and enact penalties for infractions (judgment). Any one of these functions cannot survive on its own merit; all three must be maintained for the society to function properly. Assuming that a child will follow a rule just because you created it, is like putting up traffic signs and then eliminating traffic police. Rules without enforcement and penalties are meaningless.

Before we go on, let’s dispel a prominent myth. Among some circles, and among some parents is the mistaken belief that rules and the consistent enforcement of them is overly harsh. They think of enforcement as the unpleasant task of correcting a deliberately inappropriate act. Actually, one should think of enforcement as a teaching function; a well-behaved child is unlikely to violate a rule intentionally. More than likely, the violation is the result of a lack of inherent knowledge on how to correctly comply. The child requires some supervision from the parent to correctly carry out the rule. So, to ignore the enforcement/penalty (teaching) phases is to do disservice to the child, and to shirk our parental responsibility. As parents, we are obligated to create and enforce rules. Otherwise, we are doing our children a disservice by improperly preparing them for life. Parenting is hard work, but the development of the child into a productive member of society should always trump our inherent will to give in to a child’s inappropriate behavior.


This brings us to the tenets that are essential to carry out the three functions described above:

• Let there be directness and simplicity – Use 1st-person directives that are short and easy to understand. Children will be confused by the message you wish to convey when you use 3rd-person to identify yourself and/or the child, and when your displeasure is vague. Don’t say: “Mommy becomes a bit unhappy when Michael misbehaves at the table”, when you mean to say “Michael, behave at the table!” The former shows a lack of confidence at being an authority figure, and sends a weak message to the child.
• Let there be consistent enforcement – Rules and chores should be carried out EVERY time, not 50% or 80% of the time. Children thrive on consistency, and they will assume it is okay to forego a rule or a chore if you let them. There is no such thing as “partial consistency” (think about the ambiguity here). 80% compliance for adult “chores” may be okay, but don’t expect your child to be able to differentiate between 10% or 80% of the time – therefore, your “goal” MUST be 100% compliance. Being consistent removes the ambiguity of your authority; your children will always know what is expected of them, and you will not be frustrated by thinking that they are disobeying you. If you are not consistent with your parenting, then it is your fault, not theirs. Use this enforcement phase as an opportunity to teach.
• Let there be recognition of a violation - accentuate the violation – If a rule is violated, or a chore is undone, make a calm and firm point of it to the child. Let him/her know that you are aware, and that it did not go unnoticed. They will see that the issue is important to you, and should be to them, and that they didn’t “get away with it”. Then issue your consequence…
• Let there be a consequence (penalty) – EVERY rule or chore violation necessitates a consequence of some kind, even if it is merely “recognition” as in the prior tenet. The consequence need not be severe; in fact, if you’ve been consistent with your child-raising it won’t need to be in most cases. However, it must be meaningful, and it must be “ALWAYS”. This will emphasize your expectations of them, and the importance of them being responsible. Saying “if you do that again, I will take you home” means you MUST take the child home after the next infraction. (Don’t issue directives that are stricter than your intent to follow-through. If you don’t intend to take the child home, then tone down the directive – “If you do that again, you will sit in that chair for 15 minutes…”)
• Let there be a calm and firm tone; don’t shout – Yelling out your displeasure usually means that you have failed in some or all of the above doctrines. If you follow all of the above, yelling will be reserved for very rare and serious violations. If you yell every time, they will treat it as normal, and it will not faze them. Express your desires in a calm and firm tone EVERY time.
• Let there be a united front – All of the above tenets must be applied by both parents or you’re wasting your time. If one complies, and the other does not (even some of the time), then the message is not clear, one parent bears an unfair burden and stigma. Both parents should frequently discuss strategies for enacting these tenets.

[Dadu2004]

I assume that you're the one who wrote this book?

[16th ave.]

just from a quick scan it sounds exactly like something the super nanny would say. except for verbatim those are the tips she gives when taming a "brat".

[Markalang]

I assume that you're the one who wrote this book?

Nope, not me

[Choppy]

I'm not meaning to be difficult here, but this is a forum for discussion, and in that spirit, I have to say that this treatice sounds remarkably similar to successful techniques for training a dog.

In prinicple I agree with much of these tenets. Rules should be clear, and enforced in a consistent manner. But here are my challenges to the above:

(1) Some rules are naturally contradictory. Consider for example: don't lie. That's straight forward enough, but what parent thinks it's appropriate for a child to tell her grandparent that the dress she spent days sewing together by hand totally sucks?

(2) You can't possibly create and enforce rules for EVERY scenario a child will be faced with. Eventually the child will be faced with a new situation to which no known rules apply and the child will have to think for his or herself. An environment that consists only of rules and consequences will not foster the skills to determine what is and what is not appropriate in a new situation.

(3) "More than likely, the violation is the result of a lack of inherent knowledge on how to correctly comply." I don't know about this. I think there can be some value in challenging the rules - at least on an intellectual level. Some rules are rather arbitrary, and children, depending on age, will recognize this.

[bssage]

Sooooo Mark. Its safe for me to assume that you read the forum rules and plan

100% compliance.

After all

Rules without enforcement and penalties are meaningless.

[Markalang]

I don't think you're being difficult by engaging in discussion. I would agree that these tenets are similar to "dog-training" as you put it, simply by nature of being "rote". I think there needs to be some rote-learning on the part of the child - i.e., correct their use of "well" versus "good" enough times, and they will use it correctly on their own. You make a good point that since children have an ability to reason, unlike dogs, rules can be challenged by them. I think challenging the rules can be a healthy experience for a child, as long as the parent is ultimately in charge. It's up to the parent to determine if the challenge is healthy reasoning, or a means to avoid following the rule or completing the chore.

[Markalang]

Originally Posted by bssage

Sooooo Mark. Its safe for me to assume that you read the forum rules and plan After all

Sorry, I read this forward and backward, and don't understand your point.

[Xero]

I wouldn't buy a book that refers to a child as a brat.

Markalang, just curious, why did you join this forum just to quote a book? Do you even have any kids?

[Dadu2004]

Markalang - In case you're wondering, you're getting some backlash responses to this thread because it's your first post and it's pretty "spammy".