Family issues

[his_einna]

So, this is a real long story, but basically it's this.

My mother and I, J, have always had a hit-and-miss relationship. I've never lived with her, and she's always been somehing of a trouble maker. She and her new husband have 4 children, between 19 and 12. My partner has had a criminal record for kissing a 12 y/o a decade ago just before his nervous breakdown, and we have always been honest about this with J and her husband, T. They've always been happy enough with it, and for the last year or so have been really close to us, and have thought he's the best thing to have ever happened to me.

Now, my partner and I are in and "alternative lifestyle" (I don't want to break any forum rules by going into details, but please ask if you want to know and I can PM you or something), which again, I've always been open and honest about with J and T. One of my sisters, Z, is 16 and has been exploring such things with her boyfriend, 18. We found out about this because they told us, and asked us for advice (not knowing what we were into until they told us they were into it). Over the course of several months, we all became very close and engaged in several activities (none of them sexual) to teach them more about the lifestyle in safety and love. A couple of months ago, Z decided she wanted to try something else (simarly non-sexual, but rather kinky). We obliged as appropriately as possible (partial nudity was involved through necessity, but the only thing exposed was her back, never her breasts) and she enjoyed it and left with a smile on her face. I withnessed the whole thing.

When J and T found out about it, they flipped out. To say they flipped out is an understatement, in fact. They came marching over the next day with threats and warnings, shouted at my other half and then left. The shouts and threats continued for a few days until Z's boyfriend posted our names, addresses, and accusations of paedophilia on Facebook, which J "confirmed" publically. We cut communication with everyone but J at that point and phoned the police.

J and Z then told the police what had happened, and then something came out about how apparently he had kissed her on the back of her shoulder. Okay, they're both tactile people with a good relationship, and it sounds like something he would do in affection. But again, she didn't seem bothered by anything that evening if it did happen, and gave him a hug on her way out of the door. They made a claim of sexual assault over the kiss, and he was arrested, questioned, and released the same night.

Since then, there are been similar threats, including a death threat from T, a lot of things said about us locally, and a lot of harrassment. We've dealt with it all pretty well, and our relationship has grown stronger over the last month or so. We've now been told that no further action will be taken against my partner, and J and co are *not* happy about it!

I've now decided, based on the accusation and how they've acted since, to take up a friend on her offer to move to another part of the country a couple of hundred miles away, and I don't plan to stay in touch. She's never bought me and my dad's side of the family anything but misery, and I don't want her doing the same to my son as he grows up.

Am I being unreasonable by trying to keep my son from her?

ETA: We're in the UK. At 16, she is *not* a minor and there is nothing sexual about what happened, and until someone in a 24/7 BDSM lifestyle steps forward with personal veiws and facts to confirm otherwise, I'm not budging on that.

[AmyBelle]

Yeah, I cant make any sense out of what you just said other then you did soemthing with your sister that was non-sexual?

Erm.

[his_einna]

Lol...okay, will simplify it.

My sister and her boyfriend have been playing with BDSM, and haven't been playing safe. They asked us for advice and help, and we gave it. She then wanted to try a flogging, and we did it. She thoroughly enjoyed it, smiled the whole time, and gave us cuddles and kisses on the way out of the door.

Her folks flipped out when they found out, in spite of the fact that there's nothing sexual about it and she and her fella had been doing it even without us. They didn't ask us about, they took her word at face value (which was that she hadn't wanted to and had repeatedly asked us to stop, which was absolutely not true) and started making threats and harrassing my partner. The police got involved, and my other half was arrested for sexual assault because apparently he kissed the back of her shoulder at some point. However, what they were genuinely pissed about was the flogging, but because it's not sexual in nature, they couldn't report it (the could only have reported it as common assault, which doesn't sound so bad).

We've always been open and honest with all family members about the BDSM aspects of our lives.

Now that it's all resolved and isn't being taken any further, we're planning to move in a few months and not stay in touch. The family has always been abusive and caused problems for us, and I don't want them to have anything to do with my son as he grows up.

Therein lies the question; am I being unfair to them by moving him away?

[bssage]

Mean reply: Read at you own risk

You get no sympothy from me. And don't give me "nothing sexual" BS. Nothing sexual is playing cards or going to a movie. Not BDSM in your home. IMHO your either a idiot or a criminal. Either way you need to stay clear of kids. Do something like that with my daughter and you'll get more than threats.

[his_einna]

See, to me, saying that BDSM is automatically sexual is, plainly put, ignorant. Whilst I completely understand that you wouldn't want your children involved in it, that's not the choice everyone makes. She was old enough to be doing it legally, she wasn't doing it safely, and she asked us to get involved. There's nothing criminal about it.

[bssage]

Keep telling yourself that.

Kinda ironic that the person pratcing BDSM on a 16 yr old girl is calling me ignorant. Very telling about your IQ and choice of forums to post on.

[Mom2all]

We've always been open and honest with all family members about the BDSM aspects of our lives.

One of my sisters, Z, is 16 and has been exploring such things with her boyfriend, 18. We found out about this because they told us, and asked us for advice (not knowing what we were into until they told us they were into it).

Which one is it???

We obliged as appropriately as possible (partial nudity was involved through necessity, but the only thing exposed was her back, never her breasts) and she enjoyed it and left with a smile on her face. I withnessed the whole thing.

S&M is sexual. It's about power and loss of control. It's what you do to get turned on. 3 adults doing something that turns them on with a child is not appropriate... no way.. no how.

YOU are the adult.. and your the one that she came to for advice. Your lifestyle choices as an adult are your own and I don't judge that. However.. If your sister asked you to show her how to use drugs, or how to shoplift, or which street to hook on, as an adult I would think you'd try to give her good advice... not participate under the guise of "trying to help". If I were your Mom, it wouldn't be your choice. You'd get therapy or stay away for the protection of my other children. You have NO RITE TO BE ANGRY... you should be on your knees begging forgiveness for helping to make your sister, (no matter how willing), a victim of molestation.

[16th ave.]

this is going to be harsh...

1. even though she came to you the girl was a MINOR.
2. trouble maker though your mom may be, your sister is/was still a MINOR. your mother has a right to be very upset.
3. having different beliefs in what is acceptable does NOt mean you have the right to be in any sort of BDSM mess with a MINOR even if that minor came to you for advice and help. you should have given her some literature or had a discussion about itand stayed out of the mess b/c she is a MINOR and your Sister. you should NOt have engaged in any sort of bdsm with her. the only real options you with her was to have a discussion on this issue.
4. there is nothing non-sexual about BDSM. to say there isn't is living in the clouds.

you brought this on your self. the Only thing you should have done is discuss this stuff with her, not engage in it with her.
i don't blame your mother for being upset . i'd have done the same and you'd have a hell of lot more trouble on your hands than what you have now.

[his_einna]

@mom2all - you're right, I posted badly in wrt communication to the family. I told all adults of the family (i.e. my parents, step-parents, etc) but didn't tell my sisters at their parents request, which was fair enough. However, when the eldest turned 16 and told me she was doing this stuff with her boyfriend, and not safely, I told her too.

And no, BDSM is *not* automatically sexual. No more so than cooking a meal or wearing perfume, and I challenge you to make an arguement proving otherwise. She was in no way molested; that implies sexual conduct, which it was not.

Drugs, shoplifting and prostitution are all illegal and dangerous; a flogging isn't, and at 16, she is a legal adult for sexual purposes here in the UK. So even your "BDSM is sexual" arguement falls flat at that point.

[Dadu2004]

I find this horrible. The fact is the girl is 16...not a legal adult. She is not your child, not your responsiblity, and you have no right to infringe in the area of which you are. Quite honestly, if I were the childs mother, I would either beat your ass or call the police.