Totally stumped

[gnatnz]

HELP, I am 38 and I have never joined an online forum. But I am so stumped with this that I have made the plunge...

I am in a blended family, and my partner and I have very different parenting styles. We both believe in boundaries but we have different ideas of where they lie and what consequences should follow. We are constantly arguing about my children, as he believes that I am too lax with them and should take more control. I think he is too authoritarian, and his expectations are way OTT.

Please tell me what you think of this prime example:
This morning, my four year-old poured herself a glass of milk. It was too full, so she began pouring some down the sink. My partner came in and saw this, and told her off. He insisted that she knew this was wasteful, and that she had done it on purpose. I agree that she shouldn't be allowed to waste milk, and proceeded to explain to her that she should not pour her milk down the sink, and why. However, my partner firmly believes that there should be a consequence to make sure she understands.

He insists that I should have told her she's not allowed to have any milk for the next three days, and that will teach her not to be wasteful. I, however, think that is completely OTT and that explaining why her actions are not acceptable, then following it up with reminders if she forgets, is enough.

After all, she's only four.

Please tell me what you think

[bssage]

Originally Posted by gnatnz

He insists that I should have told her she's not allowed to have any milk for the next three days,

After all, she's only four.

Thats INSANE. Good thing she didnt waste food or toilet paper.

[gnatnz]

Hey thanks for your comment - I really need to get a perspective on this, as there are soo many of these disagreements.

We clash on these things so often that I am left wondering if maybe he's right... Until we got together, I actually used to think I was a really good parent. Now I have been questioned so often that I am constantly left questioning myself.

He doesn't want to be their dad, but he believes that as he has to live with them, he should be entitled to have a say in how they behave in our shared space. It really puts a lot of pressure on our relationship...

[Antoinette]

children NEED milk... it is good for them and is a great source of calcium so i think telling her she can't have milk for 3 days is completely unfair.. instead i think you should just explain to her why it's wrong to pour the milk down the sink and instead she should pour less in the cup to start with... maybe you could illustrate this by drawing a line on the outside of the cup to where she should pour the milk to and then show her how to pour it just to that line.... just an idea, its the strategy we use at daycare so they don't fill there cups up too much

[gnatnz]

Hey that's great, thanks - This was a good idea to try
I think actually the milk bottle was a bit heavy for her, and it got out of control - but I like the idea of putting a line on the glass...

[gnatnz]

Actually, if you're at daycare maybe you know - what can you expect from a four year-old? She is a pretty messy eater, and it drives my partner crazy. He makes her hold her hands above the table so that she doesn't wipe them everywhere, and the only compromise we've found is to tell her to wash her hands every time she puts them in her food. She's learning, but I think she just forgets...

[Antoinette]

thats totally normal, at 4 you can't be expected to eat with the same table manners as someone older, just you and your partner discuss the rules for the dinner table and then be unified and go in together and when she eats with her fingers or does something against the things you have decided just remind her so if she eats with her fingers say "NAME, we eat with our spoon at the dinner table" or rocking on her chair "NAME. remember to keep all the chair legs on the floor" just gentle reminders like that so she remembers them without being told off for getting them wrong because at 4 she is still only learning

[Antoinette]

as for the milk.. if the bottle is to heavy for her do you have any of those plastic pouring jugs?? you could keep one of them in the fridge half full and say thats her special milk bottle so it can't get to heavy but she still gets the independence of doing it herself...

[gnatnz]

Yeah, he's always on about having a unified approach and I admit sometimes I slip. It makes it hard when we disagree so totally - and when he insists on telling me whenever he thinks I am doing things "wrong". That's the hardest thing about a "blended" family - it's tough enough for parents to agree but when one party is not a parent, it's damn near impossible!

[Antoinette]

whether you are truly unified or not it is important to at least appear unified to her so don't have your disagreements in front of her because she needs to think you are on the same page..