retold realtionship with ex-step parent

[confused]

Here are the two different sides to the same story would appreciate your opinion on which you think is better and why. Will start off will basis of story then the 2 different opinions.

A ten year marriage was started when the kids were 4 and 5 when realtionship ended they were 13 and 15 ....the marriage ended because of alcoholism. They are not the biological children to this person but they see him as the father figure. For the first several years he was present and supportive emotional and finacialy to them towards the end he was not around and the kids did fight with him the alcohol took a toll on all parties. During the divorce he came over many times drunk causing problems , he stole stuff from the house and broke in once he threatened to harm the dogs and cause damages to the property however he didn't except for trying to tear up the lawnmower (which he later stole or says someone else he knows did). He is wanting to still have a realtionship with them and is not giving up on being a part of their lives. They (the kids) have now decided they want him in their lives as well as they see him as the father they never had and that he didn't abondon them. I have entered into a new realtionship for about a year now and we are wanting to start our lives together.

1st - Is it ok to have a new realtionship and still have the kids communicate (not see) the ex if regulations are put in place and followed and if they aren't then end communications...take a chance that drama or problems won't arise?

2nd - Or because the marriage ended for many reason including that he was not a good influence and not a productive part of the family that all communication should end with everyone. That you shouldnt bring past into a new realtionship even it is just communication with the kids...a ex is an ex and in the past should stay that way no matter the feelings of others involved are and not take the chance of it causing drama or problems in the new realtionship?

[Father_0f_7]

I stand by my original statement made it the first post.

[Antoinette]

same, if he was the biological father you would have to let him see them so in my mind, because he was the father for all intensive purposes for ten years he should have more rights

[Xero]

I think that if the kids want to see him, and he wants to see the kids, that it should be allowed IF everything stays CIVIL and HEALTHY. Just because you are with a new person, does not mean you can just snub out the last guy that raised your kids for 10 years cause it would make your love life easier. You being in a new relationship does not take a part in this decision at ALL. What does matter is if the kids love him and he loves the kids, and do THEY as a whole want a relationship. If they do, then YES YOU SHOULD LET THEM. As long as there is no fighting or abusive activities going on while they are together, and he doesn't get drunk in front of them or do immoral things around them etc then he should be allowed to see them. Basically if he's not doing anything wrong, like he's only doing it because he cares about the kids and everything is going good, then you should let them. Especially at the age your kids are at. You should really let them decide. If they get uncomfortable or something bad happens, you know they'll tell you and then you can say you gave him his chance and you can cut things off there for the safety and well being of your children. But you really can't take in your new boyfriend as a factor to your decision. Its really selfish.

[Choppy]

This sounds to me like a tough situation either way you look at it. On one hand this person has been a significant part of your children's lives, but on the other hand, he sounds rather dangerous.

Personally, I would need strong evidence that this person has turned his life around - such as being clean and sober for at least 6 months to a year, holding down a regular job, etc. - before I would allow him to be a part of my children's lives.

And then, it will be important to establish some ground rules, both about what you find acceptable behavior and what role he will have in their lives. With him having been a father figure, issues likely to come up involved discipline and teen parenting, appropriate gifts, and activities he and your children will participate in.

[Martin]

Agree with Xero here. Your status with your boyfriend really does not play any part in this at all. It HAS to be about what is in the best interest of the kids, not what is comfortable or desirable for either of the parents.

On the other hand, we are going through a very similar situation here with the biological mother of the 2 girls we are fostering. She has drug and alcohol issues, and is having to work a case plan to even be able to be considered for getting them back.

What they do here really makes sense and seems relevant. Mom is afforded supervised visits right now, once a week. The visits are regular and monitored. As she cleans herself up, and as the visits go well, she can "earn" the right to have those restrictions relaxed. She can get more visiting rights, or less supervised visits, etc.

I would suggest something similar. He HAS to know, whether he is willing to say it out loud or not, that his alcoholism is a problem that is dangerous for the kids. If he is any kind of father, he is probably beating himself up over it pretty badly. Give him some limited visitation, that you supervise, or at least hang around close (no over nights, or allowing him to take off with them). Then give him the chance, as he cleans up and the kids do well with him and flourish in the visits, to earn more time and less restrictions. If he really wants to be part of the kids life, he will be happy to do whatever he needs to to be a part of it. If he is not willing to clean up or make the effort, then he has a real problem, and one that you are better off not exposing the kids to.

That would be my suggestion.

[TabascoNatalie]

13 an 15 yo kids are big enough and their feelings need to be respected. If they love and care about this man who was raising them -- you should respect that.

since you are the new person in their lives -- you need to earn their trust. if you ignore how they feel -- you are not likely to have much respect from them.

i agree with other posters -- that he must act HEALTHY and SAFELY. as for a job for 6 months -- it's maybe too much to demand in a recession.

[Xero]

TabascoNatalie - I believe the story was posted by their mother, so I don't think she's a new figure...

I agree that measures should be taken to be sure that the guy is clean and safe, since he's obviously done some pretty negative stuff.

[confused]

Thank you for all of ya'lls input....the new boyfriend that was almost a year now has ended because of this issue. So, am just moving forward with what I think to be the right choice. I think they should have a chance to stay in contact with him...it wont be visitation just communication. They are old enough to have a right in helping to decide yet not old enough to make the actual choice. They can't and don't forget that he has been there and that he ismakin effort to still be there no matter what. You all are very appreciated!!!!

[Xero]

I'm so sorry to hear that.

Why wouldn't you let the kids see him if he was shaping up? I think that if he's doing the right thing, and its what he and the kids want, its really not right to keep them away from each other just because you want to. Or because you don't like him.

At the very least, if the "communication" (I'm assuming that means talking over the phone) goes well and there's no sense of negativity and everything seems healthy and okay, then he should at least be given a chance at seeing them. Everybody deserves a chance. Just remember this isn't about you and him, and how you feel about each other, its about the kids and also about this man that dedicated his life to these kids for ten years.