issues with 9 year old, exacerbated by dad

[jdjmh]

I have a 9 year old (3rd grader) who is usually a good kid, but she does a few things that I'm starting to lose patience with. These are all new things or things that have gotten worse recently. She lacks independence for the most part, she always wants help to do anything, or she just wont do it. (Example, at dinner, I tell her to get herself a drink, she says she doesn't want one, but then when her sister gets herself a drink, she asks her to get her one, too.) If there is an incentive, she will do it (if she likes the incentive). What do y'all do with older kids to get them to do things for themselves? Shouldn't she want to be independent? I think it's because her father just does everything for her when she's at his house and I have asked him not to repeatedly. He also doesn't make her sleep in her own bed at his house and we have trouble getting her to sleep in her bed with us. He does not have a set schedule or routine at his house and it's setting us back a lot here. He is horrible at time management and managing his own life, so I can't really expect him to do a 180 here.