Husband says he will now consider adoption.

[St. Nobody]

I figure this has the potential into turning into a debate- albeit, I hope it's friendly- so I put it here.

My husband was previously uninterested in adoption, and since the mother can make the decision to abort by herself, but not the decision to adopt, I was backed into a corner.

Now, he says he'll consider it.

There are three things to consider in this picture, by my way of thinking; my and my husband's welfare, the future family if we decide to go with adoption, and most importantly the welfare of the child.

My husband says he would be okay as a single parent, okay with joint custody, and now is okay considering adoption. Overall, he's a relatively resilient person. He wants to be a top of the line auto mechanic and work for BMW. I believe he'll be able to achieve these dreams with either of the three potential options.

I myself would be okay co-parenting with my husband as a married couple, but to be honest in non-academic/work related areas, I'm easily overwhelmed, and frankly I don't do well alone. I have had overwhelmingly negative experiences with both my father and mother's significant others and would not likely remarry if left to parent the child on without my husband.

Being a single mom, while I understand it's doable, is something I find to be a dismal prospect. While people, when I express my concern, often cite others' successes to me, I think it's terribly naive to think that I will be able to live my life as I want to live my life. There will be little or no real familial support in the form of money or child care assistance. What I want to do is groom and train dogs (not trick training, working with high-octane personal protection dogs), finish my bachelor's, master's and doctorate degrees, start my own businesses and practice veterinary medicine. I would also like to get back into road management with punk bands, which I have done before but would require me to work long hours in an environment which is not conducive to raising a child.

If I have to, I am of course willing to sacrifice these dreams of mine for the sake of the child and in order to properly raise the child, but having worked so hard and at such great personal cost for so long and against great adversity...frankly, I'm afraid I will grow to resent the child. I'm afraid that even though I would never let the child know my feelings, I will carry around a hole in my heart for what I haven't been able to accomplish.

As to the child's welfare, which is really the most important issue of all, I have concerns either way.

If we parent together, while I will probably not be able to achieve all I have hoped to achieve, I will at least have a family, which will make a difference.

If we split, my husband is as adamant about not living in the Southeast as I am about living there. He wants to live in West Texas and it's my idea of hell on earth. If we split, I am moving back to Georgia and nailing my feet to the ground. The plan we have is to alternate who has the child with one of us keeping the child during the school year and the other having the child during the summer. My issues with this plan are that if I keep the child during the school year, it will be harder for me to go to college and I will be stuck being the 'bad guy' and keeping the child during the boring, drudgery months of the year and he'll get to have her for the fun times. Vice versa, I'm afraid the child will be an underachiever because my husband has a low value on education and because his family home schooled him (his father doesn't believe insects are animals), he has a poor education himself.

There's also the fact that, as a breastfeeding mom, I will have the child for the first six months and when time for the trade-off comes, she won't even know who he is. I know how hard it is for a child to be separated from their parents and the child will have to miss one of us or the other all year round.

I'm afraid of what the child will think about having been placed in an adoptive home, if we go that way. I'm also afraid, either with adoption or with split parenting, that the child will grow up without the values I would like to impart upon her. It's a trade-off, I suppose, but something that worries me.

Then there's the issue of the feelings a mother has after adopting out her child and the stigma associated with doing so. As a society, we applaud people who adopt but condemn mothers who don't keep their children. It won't be just me and my husband giving up the child, but our extended families as well. Not one of my friends has even understood why I'm apprehensive about having a child and they certainly don't understand my desire to consider adoption.

Mothers who choose not to raise their children themselves often feel deep regret and suffer psychological damage, which is often exacerbated by a lack of support or open condemnation from friends and family. People expect you to be happy when you find out you are pregnant, plain and simple, and I was devastated. Willing to step up to the plate, but devastated.

What are the community's thoughts about the pros and cons of adoption for the parents and for the child? Has anyone else considered this option? Does anyone here have an adopted child?

[xox.ilu.xox]

I am an adopted child, and i think it was the best thing my birth mother could have done for me. although she was also 17 and couldnt afford to feed me. but i have two loving parents that raised me from a baby, and loved me as their own. if its the best option for you, its a good road.

[bssage]

Maybe its just me and I don't mean to offend. But your post makes it sound like you planning a dysfunctional family.

You want to adopt with the man you think your going to divorce?

You are afraid being a single mother will interfere with you dreams of being a part of punk rock productions while pursuing a masters in veterinary science?

My suggestion is to put anything involving children on the back burner until you have a clearer idea of what you want or plan to do with your life.

[Xero]

I agree with bssage. You seem like you don't even know what you want to do (groomer, vet, punk rock band?? huh?? How old are you?), but its quite clear that none of that involves a baby. No child deserves to grow up with parents that don't want them, or that regret having them.

Some people are just too selfish to have kids. I know a few people like you. A very good friend of mine is like that, all she can think about is what she wants and how much a baby would get in the way of that. She didn't go through the trouble though, she just had an early abortion, the one with the pill. Its kind of sad, I'm rather against abortion, but I almost think it would have been more sad to see the child get thrown around. I can't really make a decision there.

Anyway, if you don't have enough room in your heart to give all your love to a child instead of yourself, then clearly adoption would be the best choice. Give her to a loving family that wants a child, and maybe can't have one themselves.

I was adopted as well, but I had already spent many many painful years with a mother that never let me forget what a mistake I was. And I did not know my father. I wouldn't wish that on any child. I wish I was adopted at a much younger age.

What confuses me, is that you are SO selfish, that not only do you not want a baby getting in the way of any of your plans, but you wont even let your husband have the baby by himself?? You don't need to worry about adoption, you need to let go of your pride and suck it up if you want to do the things you want to do, and let that child be raised by his/her father. You're worried about YOUR regret? What about his regret? You're forcing him to consider adoption by threatening him with abortion, and you're worried about what YOU'RE going to regret? If you don't want the baby, and you don't want your husband, then let the baby be raised by him and move on with your life. The answer is simple. He said he would do it, and if he wants to then he should be allowed to. The fact is that you want to go on with your life without the complications of a child. If your child gets adopted, or if the child lives with his/her father, then its not your problem or your right to worry about how the child is raised or educated, no offense.

Now, I'm not trying to be mean or offensive. You do what you think is right, I'm sure you have the best intentions to the extent that you know how. I'm just telling you what I think of what you're saying, how I percieve this. I think that everybody needs some kind of reality check right before they are about to have their first child, and it differs of course depending on their situation.

[Jeremy+3]

Basically I agree with Xero. When you chose to have sex, you chose to become a parent, everyone knows there is no such as thing as guaranteed contraception. I don't think you should ever raise a child if you think it would be dismal.

How can you feel like you are pushed in to a corner when you are not allowing your husband the chance to raise his son/daughter because it's something that you don't want to do.

If my wife had decided that she didn't want my child I would divorce her and raise our child, I wouldn't allow my wife to control my decision with her own selfishness either.

I also don't understand why you are calling your husband uneducated when you believe he will eventually become a top mechanic.

[St. Nobody]

My husband isn't the issue, it's his family. They have subjected both my husband and his nephew to horrific abuse, and the child would spend large amounts of unattended time with them. An adoptive family is NOT going to rub the child's face in a dirty diaper. My husband's father or mother or siblings don't have a problem with that. Of course charges could be pressed later, but once that's happened, it's happened.

It takes a VERY long time to become a veterinarian, and a dog groomer is a job that pays $600-2000 per week and is a dog-related way for me to make a living while going to vet school. So is dog training, which can be continued after becoming a veterinarian.

I see nothing wrong with wanting to expand my financial horizons and have found band management to be an extremely profitable venture, if somewhat time consuming.

This is exactly what I meant when I said that oftentimes, mothers who consider giving children up for adoption face nothing but condemnation and scorn from their peers. Like anyone, I love my unborn baby. Giving up the child would be a very hard decision. It's a matter of what's best for the child.

Jeremy + 3, I have been told by two different doctors that I'm incapable of conceiving, plus I was on birth control. That's as safe as you can get when you are married.

The insulting comments about age are inappropriate- being three years into a Bachelor's degree, I think it's safe to assume I'm at least 21, and I am in fact 23. I truly would expect better from a moderator.

And the truth is, if you want to talk about selfishness, I wanted an abortion. I am very, very pro-choice and my husband and I had a pre-nuptual agreement that in the event of pregnancy, which I was doing everything possible to prevent, I would get an abortion. I didn't, though, because my husband said he'd always be there for me and the baby, and I thought that even though it would be hard and not at all what I wanted for my life, I would be able to live a happy life and provide a good life for the child with my husband...and then he decided to leave me.

It's not selfish to want things for your own life. What would be selfish would be keeping a child for purely emotional reasons, rather than logical ones- such as the fact that a pre-screened family which has been searching for a child and can provide a stable environment and a bright future for the child.

Did no one read the concerns I had for the child's future, or are you hung up on the fact that I have hopes and dreams that I cannot reasonably fulfill as a single mother and this fact makes me sad?

Unlike most women, I didn't plan my life around having a child. I didn't daydream about it. I didn't look forward to it. I was happy when I found out I would very likely never, ever be able to conceive a child. However, now that that's happened, I stand prepared to do whatever is necessary to ensure the good life of that child, whether that means keeping it at whatever cost or giving it to a more appropriate home.

I don't understand a society that condemns abortion and lauds adoption as 'the loving option'- but mistreats women who choose to take the 'loving' option.

Bssage, you couldn't have it more wrong. I'm PREGNANT and I want to consider my options concerning GIVING my child up for adoption.

You're forcing him to consider adoption by threatening him with abortion, and you're worried about what YOU'RE going to regret? If you don't want the baby, and you don't want your husband, then let the baby be raised by him and move on with your life.

My husband isn't exactly a saint. He got me pregnant, talked me out of our previously agreed-upon abortion, convinced me to leave Georgia (which meant dropping out of the last year of my bachelor's degree, not to mention my friends, family, home and all of what little else I had), moved me to Texas, and decided to divorce me. He's proven himself unreliable more than once. It's not that I don't want him, he doesn't want me.

You know, my parents kept me, and I had a decent early childhood, but I have had a pretty hard time since then and I can hardly be excused for wanting a better life for my child than what I've had myself. Whether it gets that from my husband and myself or from an appropriate adoptive family, it is NOT going to have the struggles I've had. I don't see where that's so selfish.

[St. Nobody]

Coming back to this again, I have not threatened my husband with abortion. Being fifteen weeks pregnant, I wouldn't consider abortion at this stage, anyway.

I don't understand the belittling of my dreams, either. Honestly, I don't understand this reaction at all. I was hoping for a well thought-out, thought provoking discussion, not condemnation and judgment for struggling with something I, for one, consider a very important and difficult decision that will be ultimately made for the good of my child, not the good of myself.

[Jeremy+3]

He didn't get you pregnant, you both got pregnant, the only way someone can get you pregnant without your consent is to rape you, he didn't talk you out of having an abortion, you considered what he said and then chose not to have one.

We have fostered many child, a significant number who were abused by their adoptive families.

Using contraception is not the safest way to avoid pregnancy, don't be so stupid, the only safe way to stop pregnancy is occurring is to not have sex. Which you clearly knew as you have abortions planned for the future!

No one is condemning you for considering abortion, don't use the 'I'm the little victim' act, we are not agreeing with your stance that you you feel like the victim because the father of the child actually has a say in whether he/she is adopted and because you portray that your child is a curse.

Unless you work for an extremely exclusive salon, you will never make $2000 a week grooming dogs, get real.

You see nothing wrong with wanting a job, yeah, that isn't wrong, but it is when you are not willing to compromise so you just want to get the kid out of the way to have an easy ride.

[St. Nobody]

Using contraception is not the safest way to avoid pregnancy, don't be so stupid, the only safe way to stop pregnancy is occurring is to not have sex. Which you clearly knew as you have abortions planned for the future!


I am NOT stupid. Name-calling is the last resort of those who do not have a valid point to make. I do not have abortions planned for the future, and I have never planned to have one unless the other precautions I had in place failed, which they did. Under the circumstances, I considered my options as they were presented to me at the time- live with my husband and raise a child, or abort the child and live by myself. This also involved sacrifice, but sacrifice is necessary in life and I believed that one to be in the best interest of myself, my husband and my child. The options with which I am currently presented- give the child to my husband and his abusive family to raise, co-parent as divorced parents swapping off at six-month intervals, or placing the child for adoption- are less pleasant, and none of them are going to result with me being pleased, I simply have to choose the least of the evils.

No one is condemning you for considering abortion, don't use the 'I'm the little victim' act, we are not agreeing with your stance that you you feel like the victim because the father of the child actually has a say in whether he/she is adopted and because you portray that your child is a curse.

Disagreement is something I have no problem with. It's part of DEBATE. Debate is NOT personal attacks, which frankly is what I'm getting. A debate is when two people who disagree bring up valid points in support of their own stance or in difference of the point of another in an attempt to persuade another to see your point of view, if not agree with you. I don't have to have people agree with me, but in a community of other adults who I reasonably thought wpuld be able to engage in intelligent discourse, I expect respectful debate.

You see nothing wrong with wanting a job, yeah, that isn't wrong, but it is when you are not willing to compromise so you just want to get the kid out of the way to have an easy ride.

There is nothing easy about making the decision to place a child for adoption. I believe I have emphasized that the primary concern I have is for the welfare of the child.

I do have realistic expectations about the money I have the potential to make grooming dogs to get through college, and my low-ball figure was $600, which you chose to ignore and then make a personal slight against my intelligence. I want to work in a variety of fields, but if that doesn't work out because I have a child to care for, so be it. I don't want a job, I want a career- a professional career as a veterinarian, toward which I have been working since before high school. Anyone can be a single parent and have a job, but being a single parent with a career in veterinary medicine when you're not even finished with your bachelor's degree, while probably possible, is more or less a pipe dream when looked at through the clear lenses of reality. Whether you believe it's a significant sacrifice or not is irrelevant as it's my life and I believe it's a significant sacrifice.

I'm not a victim, and least of all the victim of people on an online forum. I'm disappointed in the reaction I've received, but again, it's because I was expecting a discussion, not an attack- not because I expected everyone to agree with me. The nature of controversy is that people disagree. I expect controversy, not playground-style name-calling.

[kassierossiter]

a debate you say? i will do my best...

here is what i see...
(and opinions from my own experiences)

first of all... i personally believe that a prenuptual agreement is bologna.... if 2 people truely love each other they dont need an agreement saying that they win a particular fight far in advance of the fight actually happening... in this case the whole abortion issue

second i am a firm believer in if you make a child then you raise that child unless the situation is very dire. in my opinion.... (now keep in mind this is my opinion....) abortion is only an option for victims of rape... i am very pro life with certian exceptions such as rape or carring the child will endanger the life of the mother...

now for adoption... personal goals are not reasons to pass a child off.

i do not know the statistics but i do know that many many children are placed up for adoption that good "selective" families do not WANT.... thats right... they do not want the children... on top of that many more children are placed for adoption every day than are adopted out to loving families... unwanted babies and children are over produced and the demand is not that high...

regardless of what a person thinks when they have sex.... -in this case thinking you are incapable of getting pregnant- is no exscuse as to it happening...

many many people have their children (planned and wanted or not) and ALSO fullfill their career dreams.

myself as a mother to 5 kids am currently working for a company from my home, going to school myself, raising all of these kids, one of which takes much more time and attention due to his disability, keeping up with the house work and living a life for myself ALL at the SAME time... you just have to WANT to do it...

each of my children (except for the last one) was entirely unplanned and when i found out i was prego i was mortified... what was i going to do? there go my dreams down the toilet... and then i held my baby in my arms and the rest of the world went away... i would live in a cardboard box and eat out of the trash can for the rest of my life if that is what it took to take care of my kids...

unless you physically cannot care for them to An extreme or financially cannot care for them.... now let me clarify what i mean by financially... cannot provide them shelter, clothing, schooling, and food... this does not mean the child needs to be wearing baby gap and eating lobster and going to private school.... i mean if you cant provide clothing even if it has to come from good friggin will and you cant buy anything more than ramen noodles then MAYBE not keeping you baby is the right choice... but i have to tell you... if i personally gave my kids away when we shopped at good will and ate ramen noodles then i would be a miserable lonely woman today...

EVERYBODY goes through hard times... we have to struggle and fight to get through them and come out on top.... the question to ask yourself is this...

"what makes going through the hard times worth it???"

my answer.... "the love of my child"