How do I help someone like this?

[Cop2be]

I don't know if I have mentioned any of this to you guys yet about that friend I had from the explorers with the effed up parents....the ones I called the cops and CPS on once upon a time.

Well long story short, her mom had her when she was 16 and resents her and hates her. One of her many step-dad's, the first one I believe, raped her from age 9-11.
She has a new step-dad now who smokes weed and likes to get drunk and angry.
They ground her from showering.
They'll ground her from sleeping in her own bed or changing clothes.
They recently locked one of their bathrooms which had her and I believe a few other siblings toothbrushes in there and didn't let any of them brush their teeth for the past few days.
They have odd rules. Like the kids can only shower every other day, yet my friend goes 3 or more days without a shower. Her parents get to shower every day.
She has to do EVERYONE'S laundry EVERYDAY. (7 people)
And they basically keep her and her siblings at home, everyday.

The only way I know any of this NOW (she isn't allowed to be speaking to me) is because she has me saved under a fake name and deletes my text messages.

I don't even want to get into the legal aspect of all this. I debate that enough.


I want to focus on helping her through her emotional issues.
She has such a low self esteem.
She feels fat and says she is ugly and that she doesn't look like a normal teenager.
Honestly she is my size and I am tiny.
She has a tankini and feels wearing that to the pool is showing too much skin.
Her mom gives her clothes 2 sizes too big and tells her she is fat and doesn't look good in the clothes she likes.

She is a perfectionist. She likes to please people and do things the way they asked and then some.
She does stuff like reads and writes books in her spare time.
She's in a sense "goody-goody".
Very by the rules.
Kind of naive in a puppy kind of sense.

She idolizes me. (She must on drugs too...JUST KIDDING).
She thinks I am "socially acceptable", popular, that I know how to be a young adult. I have "that image".
She has some deep rooted emotional issues, feels fat, feels ugly, feels unworthy, feels like an outcast.

Now, I am no professional but this is partially the field I want to go into. Criminal psychology is something I will major in but I like psychology in general.

I want to help her sort through her emotional issues.
I already talk/text her all the time but I don't know what to say to help her sometimes.

She says she wants to be more like me.
More fun and free and more like everyone else.

Her and her sister are POSSIBLY going to go swimming with us tomorrow. Her parents hate me since my mom reported them and then the cops told her parents it was me, so she is not allowed to be around me per her parents rules but my friends from explorers are going to pick her up and bring her to the pool in my neighborhood and we are all going to swim and just have fun.

So tomorrow I might have a chance to sit down with her and have a deep heart to heart and help her work through everything.

I want her to know its ok to kick back and relax, that you don't have to be bundled up and just closed off from everyone.
That its ok to let loose and have fun.

She has a good set of morals and a good head on her shoulders as long as she works through those issues she has.

I don't want to change her. I want to help her work through those issues and be a happy person.

I want to let her see that its ok to do things like wear a tankini, bikini whatever to the pool and still be a good person.
That you can do things like lay out at the pool and do the dishes later and it doesn't make you a bad person.
That you don't have to make others happy all the time.


Anybody got any key points that I could chat up with her?

[sbattisti]

Holy cow. Gut feeling: you are in wayyyy over your head with this situation. I don't know how much of this you get from direct experience, and how much you get through her "secondhand," but honestly, some of this sounds exaggerated. Not saying it necessarily is, I know there are some miserable people out there. But, I also know that friends in the role of "shoulder to lean on" often get the most exaggerated and negative aspects of the story, while getting none of the other side of it.

Regardless of that, it seems like your friend is someone who has some serious stuff to contend with. How old is she? My first instinct would be to really urge her to get counseling of some kind from a trained professional. You might be a great friend, but you're simply not equipped (yet) to deal with all of this.

In the mean time, I think you have the right approach in general, which is to continually support her and encourage her to have a positive self-image. The thing is, your voice is unlikely to be able to outweigh all of the negative stuff she gets every day. If what you have mentioned is all true, she's going to get negative reinforcement CONSTANTLY until she moves out. Given that she idolizes you, I would point out that the way you got "how you are" is by believing in yourself and staying positive, etc.

She's certainly lucky to have a friend interested in her well-being like you are. Good luck!

~S

[Crass]

Some of what you've described sounds outright emotionally abusive. Not being allowed to sleep in her own bed, to shower, etc.

I'm going to assume that some of this is exaggerated, though I have no basis for that assumption. (If she is being abused, either emotionally or physically, then she needs help beyond an afternoon at the pool.)

But the reality seems to at least be that she is in a very restrictive environment.

I've known young people who grew up in this kind of environment, with parents who felt that they had to supervise, control, or restrict every aspect of their child's life, even though their children were teenagers.

If the parents held them down too tightly for too long, the children I've known eventually "went wild" as soon as they were able to get away from their parents' control. It's an unhealthy outcome, but this kind of restrictive environment seems to frequently result in negative consequences.

In your effort to support her, I'd suggest being careful not to emphasize to her the glaring differences between her home environment and other peoples' lives. You don't want to contribute toward her feeling of desperation.

Just my thoughts on it, without knowing specifics.

[Cop2be]

No its not exaggerated.
She and I used to be in explorer academy together. She'd show up smelling with greasy hair because she hadn't showered in 3 days.

And she is getting professional counseling.
She turned 17 early in June and I have known her since she was 15.

[Father_0f_7]

One of her many step-dad's, the first one I believe, raped her from age 9-11.
She has a new step-dad now who smokes weed and likes to get drunk and angry.

She needs to get out of the house. Period. End of sentence.

[Xero]

I agree that she should not be living there.

[singledad]

I agree 100% with Fo6 and Xero. I don't know if at 17 she still qualifies as a "child" in the US, but if so, I would keep on calling CPS on her parents. No one should have to share a house with an agressive drunk.

As for your planned talk - helping someone like that takes more time than one afternoon at a pool. Just keep on being supportive, and try to build her self-esteem by showing that you respect her and that you think she is a great person. Be careful not to say anything to her that can come accross as critisism.

[Cop2be]

Originally Posted by Father_0f_6

She needs to get out of the house. Period. End of sentence.

I agree....
We uhhh lied to her mom and she is spending the night tonight.

She came swimming with me and we came back to my house to chill and hang out.

We drove to the grocery store singing to Journey- Don't stop believing and stopped at the stop light and sang to a cop. LOL.
Grilled out and now we are crashing to sleep.

She has never had more fun than she has tonight.

Now, my friend who lives with us is asleep in the basement.
She's asleep in the couch in the living room.
And my tipsy ass is going to bed in my room.

We have had a fun day and night and plan on doing this again.

We set all this up. I am "Bri" and she went swimming with "Bri and Megan". And apparantly Megan is totally fictitious. My friend who lives in my basement pretended to be my dad and went to pick her up.
This will all work until she wants to meet "us".

I really hope to make an impact in this girls life and really help her out and make her life better.


I also want some more pickles. Valasic zesty dill stackers FTW.

[sbattisti]

You know, as much as I agree that she needs to get out of that environment, as a parent I have a hard time condoning the "create a convoluted lie in order to hang out" approach. The social time may well have been good for her, but you are potentially creating further problems for her at home.

One thing to consider: there may be little impact on you when this lie gets found out, but SHE is going to be in that house with extremely critical parents and an aggressive drunk when that happens.

Jus' sayin'.

Plus, I'm SURE you don't want me going all "parenty" on your butt, but this IS a parenting forum, so it comes with the territory. So what's up with the being tipsy? I don't even know how old you are, but if you're under 21, of course, you know the risks. If you're OVER 21, you could get into serious big-time trouble if you get caught drinking with a 17-yo.

Anyway, unwanted father figure over and out.

[www777]

Sheesh! What a terrible situation. I think that the only advice you can give her is to tell her that soon she will be her own person and that she will be a good one at that.

Build her self esteem and just let her know that she will only need to be living like this for a small period of her life and that there are only good things waiting for her when she is out of there.