I don't know what to do

[Hartz75]

My beautiful daughter Kerstin, what to say, what to say. I love her to pieces but she is more to handle then I ever thought possible. One of the main reasons I joined this forum is to get help in parenting her, since I cannot find any other support or help elsewhere.

- I noticed her “issues” when she was about 1 to 1 ½ years; it is so hard to remember
- She was never good with people especially men, even as a baby even her father could not handle her. I could never get my family to watch her because of the way she is, other then my sister.
-She would get upset when she could not have things and cry (ok very typical) but do you know of a child who would cry for 2 hours because she could not have the blocks. I timed it, I recorded it too.
- She has never given hugs to anyone in the family not even her father my hubby, other then me, I don’t know why. (Oh wait she will hug her older cousin who is 3 years older).
- She will not talk to people, or look at them.
- When she was younger she did not start to talk like most children with one word sentences, she talked with full sentences.
- When she had an “episode” as I began to call it she would grunt, total communication was gone.
- My daughter gets this Doctor Jekle and Mr, Hyde look; you can tell when she is going to have an episode. It is very hard to describe, but her face contorts and I would swear that my little girl is gone and there is someone else in there. Her eyes look blank and lifeless. She flaps her arms like she is having a spasm and screams. I always would talk to her or yell to try to get her to snap out of it
- First specialist appointment - Kerstin sat there quietly, he then told me that I was a first time parent and was over exaggerating she could not be that bad, look how pretty she is? I had the video with me but he refused to watch it. He did suggest parenting classes and books.
- My husband and I did the classes and read the books; we saw a small change in her after several months but nothing major.
- Second specialist -was told she is a child that needs to be kept busy all the time. So we tried in fall, she was in so many things she was “better” not 100% but some better, BUT my house was a disaster and my younger daughter was getting miserable as Kerstin was getting all the attention and I was broke. I could not keep that up.
-She is hyperactive and cannot sit still for too long. She cannot sit still while eating dinner, BUT she will sit still for a Disney movie on TV?
- I have done research and have looked into Bi-Polar, Autism spectrum, and Aspergers syndrome. These seem to relate to a lot of what she does. I “feel” in my “mothers gut or mothers instinct” that something is wrong at times. I can’t explain it, but I worry about her future.
- I do know I did some wrong, I cuddled, cooed, and tried to explain the world to her, instead of telling her NO.

It feels like this is still not even getting to the heart of what I deal with daily, I can go into more but this is getting long so I have shortened it as I can. I can post more. I am sure I will think of more things as you all ask questions of me. Everyone keeps giving me books to read and every time I do I get upset. It is like everyone is accusing me of parenting wrong that it is MY fault she is this way, and yet my second child is totally opposite to her, she is more like other children. Every time I leave a doctors office I leave crying. So I hope to get some help through these tough years ahead before I loose my mind.

[mom2many]

I don't have the time right now, but I am gonna come back.

[Hartz75]

I also missed tellin you that;
As a toddler she would play with blocks and balls and regular stuff kids those ages do BUT she has this need to sort them. They must be in a particular order, size, color ect. If we took them out of order she would freak, grunt, stomp, but at the time I did not know why she was freaking because she won’t talk when she is upset. She eventually would play by herself so things were “her way”. I first though my daughter is great at playing on her own and I was able to do things I needed to, but now that she is 7 she still wants to play on her own so people don’t change things on her. (Just this weekend we went to a conservation park with my niece and younger daughter, Kerstin went to the beach picked a spot and would not play with anyone, she wanted to make her own hole to fish in. We tried to sit with her, even my niece and other daughter did but she shooed us all away.) I worry for her; she plays by herself to much. Friends come over and they start playing together but within an hour or so, I will find Kerstin playing by herself and her friend playing with Marrissa (my other daughter who is 4 years younger). Even when Kerstin plays with her Poly Pockets she has this need to sort everything first into piles and organize everything before she starts to play, all the people need to be lined up or it won’t work, and I will hear her crying because the toys won’t stay how she wants them to.

Right now I have been trying the ignoring treatment and sending her to her room.

[Jeremy+3]

Hang on there, you have expressed concerns that your daughter has social issues, both with friends and family, so you're then deciding that when you punish her (for being upset) you send her to her bedroom, what is that going to achieve apart from making a possible social issue worse?

[unreasonabledad]

Your daughter is displaying many of the signs of autism. How have you researched this? She needs to be seen by a DR. The earlier autism is diagnosed the better chance that she can be helped. If you haven't already she needs to be seen by a dr ASAP.

[Hartz75]

Jeremy, how does letting her get away with her behaviour going to help her? When she has an "episode" she goes biserk. What am I to do? Her social issues have nothing to do with me sending her to her room. I have only starting doing that recently, because before she would get worse when I gave her attention. When she is screaming and stomping but won't talk to me what should I do?? stand there all day and miss work, stare at her? I have tried talking to her, I get down to her level and talk to her try to get her to come out to me, she gets mad, grunts sometimes has hit me. Do I stand there and take it? when I did stay there she jsut escalated and escalated, to the point of shear exhaustion. So in the last month of sending her to her room to calm down, seems somewhat better. When she is queit I go up and speak to her and her demeaner is better and she vocalizes more.

I am not punishing her for being upset, I am punishing her for her behavour. Is it appropriate to scream and hit but not tell the person why you are mad? I am tyring to teach her to talk to me tell me what is wrong so I can TRY to help her. I don't send her to her room when she is playing by herself I send her to her room when she goes all freaky on me.

If you have a better solution I am all ears, please. That is why I joined the forum to get help, to get different perspectives so I can be a good parent and help my daughter be a good person.

[Hartz75]

Originally Posted by unreasonabledad

Your daughter is displaying many of the signs of autism. How have you researched this? She needs to be seen by a DR. The earlier autism is diagnosed the better chance that she can be helped. If you haven't already she needs to be seen by a dr ASAP.

I did research autism and that was my first conclusion and my hubby's. BUT the Family doctor does not agree and does not take my issues seriously. I see a naturopathic doctor as well and she does not think it is autism. They both say she does not show the Physical appearance of an autistic child so she is not. I have documents that say some children do not have the physical looks, they are more from the autistic specrum and tend to out grow it by early adulthood. So from being pushed off by doctors I was trying to handle it and hoped she out grew it. I am told it is the parenting and not autisum.

How do you parent autism?

I can only see a specialist if my family MD referrs me

[unreasonabledad]

What physical appearance..? My nephew has autism, he looks like a completely normal little boy. If you saw a picture of him you would never know he has autism. It sounds like you need a new family dr, someone who will take your concerns seriously. I thought I saw you are in Ontario so I understand that can be easier said than done ( i live on ON too). I'm sorry if I sound preachy but this is a sore spot with me because of my nephew. I wish Dr's would take more interest in diagnosing this.

I took this from the autism ontario website. Maybe you can contact someone from this organization that can help you proceed?

Some markers (which im sure you researched)

Odd or repetitive ways of moving fingers or hands
• Oversensitive to certain textures, sounds or lights
• Lack of interest in toys, or plays with them in an unusual way (e.g., lining up, spinning, opening/closing parts rather than using the toy as a whole)
• Compulsions or rituals (has to perform activities in a special way or certain sequence; is prone to tantrums if rituals are interrupted)
• Preoccupations with unusual interests, such as light switches, doors, fans, wheels
• Unusual fears

Rarely makes eye contact when interacting with people
• Does not play peek-a-boo
• Doesn’t point to show things he/she is interested in
• Rarely smiles socially
• More interested in looking at objects than at people’s faces
• Prefers to play alone
• Doesn’t make attempts to get parent’s attention; doesn't follow/look when someone is pointing at something
• Seems to be “in his/her own world”
• Doesn’t respond to parent’s attempts to play, even if relaxed
• Avoids or ignores other children when they approach
(testing for autism)


There are no medical tests for diagnosing autism. An accurate diagnosis must be based on observation of the individual's communication, behaviour, and developmental levels. Because many of the behaviours associated with autism are shared by other disorders, various medical tests may be ordered to rule out or identify other possible causes of the symptoms.

The characteristics of a disorder vary so much, that a child should be evaluated by a multidisciplinary team which may include a neurologist, psychologist, developmental pediatrician, speech/language therapist, learning consultant, or another professionals knowledgeable about autism. Diagnosis is difficult for a practitioner with limited training or exposure to autism. And is sometimes misdiagnosed by well-meaning professionals. Difficulties in the recognition and acknowledgment of autism often lead to a lack of services to meet the complex needs of individuals with autism.

[Hartz75]

thank you, for your input and family doctors are an issue here, I have been looking

Odd or repetitive ways of moving fingers or hands
• Oversensitive to certain textures, sounds or lights
• Lack of interest in toys, or plays with them in an unusual way (e.g., lining up, spinning, opening/closing parts rather than using the toy as a whole)
• Compulsions or rituals (has to perform activities in a special way or certain sequence; is prone to tantrums if rituals are interrupted)
• Preoccupations with unusual interests, such as light switches, doors, fans, wheels
• Unusual fears
My daughter does all of these, in fact this is the reason's that lead me to think Autism.

Rarely makes eye contact when interacting with people New people yes, people she has already met NO. so she does not do this with the doctor, I was taught to forwarn my daughter of what we are doing and what is expected of her, we started doing that and she is better when she knows what is expected of her. So she was told many times over that you know the docotor or you know this person so look at them and talk to them, so I noticed she does not look away with family anymore, if she does not remember then and I do not give her a transitional warning then she will not make eye contact.
• Does not play peek-a-boo No
• Doesn’t point to show things he/she is interested in yes
• Rarely smiles socially No, my daughter actually has a hard time not smiling she is bubbly, she will look away while she smiles though or tries to hide her smile
• More interested in looking at objects than at people’s faces YES I always say Kerstin please look at me at least 3 times per conversation.
• Prefers to play alone YES
• Doesn’t make attempts to get parent’s attention; doesn't follow/look when someone is pointing at something NO
• Seems to be “in his/her own world” YES but I am told that is normal for ALL children
• Doesn’t respond to parent’s attempts to play, even if relaxed YES
• Avoids or ignores other children when they approach yes and no, if the child plays her way fine, if not she will leave. if she is already doing something she will shoo kids away so they don't ruin it, if she is at a play ground and someone asks her to swing on the swings she will run off with them, but I will hear her saying lets do this, this way or that way.
(testing for autism)

I will try the webiste and see if I can contact someone, every little bit helps. she has gotten better with age, so I hope she grows out of it. My research said that kids in the spectrum group can out grow alot of these markers??

[Hartz75]

Oh yes I also thought Bi-Polar for a few years as my daughter seems to teeter tauter back and forth with extreme happy to, crying for no reason. When I do find her crying for no reason, I pull her on my lap let her cry and hug her quietly. When she gets quiet I try to talk to her about why she is crying but she usually shrugs and says I don't know.

The doctor asked about her pictures she draws but they are all happy and colorful, so once again I was dismissed.

She is also gets strange attachments to everything. Every peice of paper she has she will nto throw out. the McDonalds toys from years ago she needs to keep even if they are broken into pieces.

She has to get ready in the morning in the same routine every day, one day I forgot to turn off the hall way light and i found her crouched on the floor in a fetal position crying becuase of the light. Another day I said ok sweetie don't forget to brush your hair and teeth and she broke down in tears because she wants to brush her teeth first and her hair second. (this was after a half hour of crying and forcing her to tell me what is wrong) I told her I did not care what order she did it in as long as it got done. They said said that she does not want to be reminded, so for a few weeks I did not remind her and she forgot to brush teeth and hair so she started crying because I did not remind her.