Am I being too strict?

[unreasonabledad]

My daughter has a friend that is a fairly respectful young lady. They are both 12 years old and have been best friends for about a year (after a rocky start) My issue is not with the friend but with her parents. They have done several things that have irritated me in the last few months but last night after my daughter was allowed to go over to her house we got a voicemail that they were going out and she would be back later that night.

She got home at 8:30 and I found out they had gone down to the waterfront for a few hours. Seems pretty harmless (and it is) but in my opinion the parents should have made sure that they had permission before taking my daughter anywhere I would never have taken someone's kid with me for 2 hours without making sure that the parents knew where we were going and that they were ok with it.

They also smoked in the car the entire way (half an hour)

Based on the fact that they don't seem too concerned about letting me knwo what they're doing, the smoking and some other unrelated issues (letting the girls walk to my house at 10pm in the dark alone) I decided that my daughter would not be able to go over to this girls house.

She can still see her friend outdoors and at our place jsut not at the girls house.

My feeling is that if the parents are being irresponsible about these things then they are being irresponsible about others I don't know as well. My daughter of course lost her mind and my wife thinks I'm being too strict.

I think I don't trust her friend's parents and that I'm just looking out for my daughter.

THoughts?

[ElliottCarasDad]

I think the first thing to do is talk to them and see whats up. They might be totally understanding of your concerns.

[Jeremy+3]

Well they did try to tell you and left a voicemail, if someone isn't answering the phone there isn't much more they can do apart from cancel plans. If I thought a friends parent was going to take one of my children somewhere that wasn't suitable my child wouldn't be going round their house in the first place, so we don't send them anywhere we aren't confident about.

[unreasonabledad]

Jeremy: They didn't leave a voice mail my daughter did, informing me they were taking her with them. They live less than 2 minutes away, I would not expect them to cancel their plans they could have simply dropped her off or stopped by the house to ask me if it was ok. I was home but with a 4 year old/dinner etc etc I don't always hear the phone.

My point is, I don't think it's appropriate to ever take someone elses kid somewhere without clearing it with the parents first. Appropriate location or not. This is the straw that broke the camel's back essentially as this is not the first time they have done something that has irritated me (sent both girls walking to our home alone at 10pm because my daughter forgot some piece of clothing she wanted for a sleepover)

ElliottCarasDad: I have a feeling that any conversation with these people is going to go south pretty fast. My attempts at small talk in the past have always been met with blank stares and silence. They're moving in 1 month anyways so I thought it would be less drama for everyone to just limit my daughter's visits to their home til they left. Guess not.

[Hartz75]

if they are moving then just limits the visits why create an issue. IF they were staying I would be suggesting differntly. I could not send my daughter where I did not feel comfortable, you sound uncomfortable so don't let her go. She may be mad but you need to feel comfortable for your child's safety.

[Jordy]

i agree if they are moving it is less of an issue. but as a father myself i would not let any of my daughters go ANYWHERE i wasn't 100% comfortable with them being. and i would need to meet and like the parents before letting my daughters stay there.. your daughters safety comes before her wants

[unreasonabledad]

Thanks everyone. I was being ganged up on a bit and I was wondering if I was completely out to lunch on this one. I spoke with my wife this morning and we're on the same page again so I'm happy about that. I hate feeling like I'm always the bad guy but I'm willing to be hated if it means my kids are safe.

[sbattisti]

Yeah, I think ultimately you have to do what you think is right for the safety of your child. Of course, it's best if you're on the same page with the wife.

You also haven't cut off your daughter from her friend, she just can't go to her house.

I can see why she's upset - ANY kid is going to react that way to restrictions. Just try to keep the lines of communication open with your daughter and explain that you're not punishing HER, you're just trying to be the best dad possible.

Good luck!

[JessicaMadison]

I definitely don't think you're being too strict. I would be also be cheesed off if I were you. Just because the parents don't care about where there child is doesn't mean you do. Too be honest, it sounds like these parents are a little dull. If they would have just called you I'm sure it would have been fine. Honesty is the best policy always. They were smoking half the way? Urgh, that would drive me insane. That's so disrespectful, not only to you and your child but that shows how much they care about their little girl. Don't worry too much, your daughter will get over it. She'll realize you were just trying to protect her eventually. That's good that they are moving soon, you won't have to deal with these problems anymore. Good luck!

[NancyM]

No. I'm in agreement with you on this one. Listen, I left my 9 yr old at a boys house and when we pulled up, the mom and her friend were on their way to the MALL. (leaving the kids with her other child,with out my knowledge)

NOT! I very politely said" No, problem I'll take them to my house." she explained that her 13 yr old daughter--who was SLEEPING, was going to to be with them.

Sorry. Not my child. She felt like an A$$ and decided to stay home after all. I let him stay for an hour, because almost begged me. After that her son came to my house.

No. Your child is your first concern, and it's your job to make sure she is in a safe and responsible place.