Please help is appreciated..18 year old step mom?

[mommyofthr33]

hello everyone, im new here..one of my very close friends recommended this site after i told her i needed some advice and support from experienced parents.

i turned 35 in may. i have been divorced for the last 2 years from my previous husband. i had 2 children, a 3 year old daughter and a 5 year old son from that marriage.
i remarried and now have a 2 month old with my husband.
my question to all those parents out there is this: i found out this past weekend that my ex husband (father of my two eldest children) is remarrying. and thats all fine and dandy but hes 34. and his soon to be wife and step mom to my kids is 18 YEARS OLD. my stomach has been in knots since i found out, i have a headache and i feel i just need to talk to someone about this.
theyre getting married in hawaii this february when the whole family, my husband and i, the kids, my ex and his family and siblings and apparently this girl. (i say girl because shes barely legal.) are going on vacation for valentines day.
i wont lie i feel extremely uncomfortable with this marriage. if it was just my ex then fine his love life is out of my control but he has custody of our 2 children thursday through sunday! we always switch off on thursday morning. im a stay at home mom with the new baby and all. also, i dont think i can change the custody agreement. it was only last month when i told my ex im glad we have this because with the new baby it gets difficult to have everyone in the house. my husband works wed through sun so hes here to help me during some of the week but besides that im alone with the baby and two hyper toddlers.
i dont feel comfortable with this girl being an 18 year old step mother to my young children. i dont think its right and i dont think its right for them even spending any long periods of time with her. shes a kid. a babysitters age. and i never even hired one of those!
i feel like shes playing house and my children are the dolls.
i already have spoken to my ex and he told me they are his kids too and shes not doing anything wrong she just plays with them and sometimes gets them ready for bed by giving them a bath or read them something.
my kids always talk about her and say how much energy she has. they seem to like her but i think theyre too young to understand the age difference between this girl and their father. when they see anyone "bigger" than them they automatically consider them a "grown up".
apparently they heard their uncle kidding around saying how their dad is getting them a big sister. i think this will confuse them even more. i spoke to their uncle about it and he says maybe its best for them to imagine her as a big sister until they become old enough to learn about relationships. i dont think its wise because what if she and my ex get pregnant and have a child? what am i suppose to tell my kids then?


Do any of you guys know how i feel? do you agree? some personal experience would be great because im not sure how to handle this. is there anything i can do? what would your concerns be?
oh and this girl is fresh out of high school shes moving to our town soon. apparently she wants to go to college after a year or so.

i have had a permanent headache for the 24 hours.

[IADad]

Frankly, I understand you having concerns, but getting yourself upset to the point that you are having headaches and jumping to a lot of conclusion seems a bit much.

I think tthere are a few young ladies on here, who can tell you just what 18 yo women are capable of and it's more than just dolly sitters.

If you feel they're in danger, then you have to do whatever you have to do regarding custody, no matter what you said last month. If you don't feel they are in danger then it's time to pull up your big girl panties and get over it.

As for the "what will I tell my children" stuff, what does her being 18 have to do with that? You'd tell them the same thing if she was 33 wouldn't you? or what if she WAS their big sister. Big sisters have been known to grow up and get pregnant. Some of them even grow up and get married. Some of them even stay married.

Seems like you're creating a lot of reasons to get yourself all worked up.

JMHO.

[sbattisti]

Well, hmm. I share your concerns, and I'm sorry you have to go through this. But, unless you are willing to challenge the custody agreement, at the end of the day, I don't believe there is anything you can do about it at all. She is legally an adult, and plenty of

Given that, depending on what you're like, the BEST option may be to try to forge a relationship with this girl, and share a bit about the kids. Talk about your concerns. The girl's personality could drive how you talk to her, but at the end of the day, you may even be able to say it flat-out: you think she's a nice girl, but it makes you really nervous to have an 18-year old in charge of your kids, and you hope she understands and will help you to feel comfortable with it. It sounds like you have a reasonable relationship with your ex, since you're all going on vacation together ().

I agree that it should be made crystal clear to the kids what the relationship is. I wouldn't want to be answering the question, "Why is daddy kissing my big sister like that??" Again,

Good luck!

~s

[mommyofthr33]

im just worried that if i take my brother in laws opinion and she does indeed get pregnant, they will be confused when their "big sister" has given them a little sibling.

[mommyofthr33]

i agree with you sbattisti, it might be easier to put it of like that for a while but the kids will see the different affection that their dad gives her sooner or later.

[Father_0f_7]

I don't think it's a big deal at all. I've never had this experiance myself but at the end of the day age is just a number. They're both legal.

And if all you're worried about is her age I wouldn't take her to court, because you more than likely won't win.

Talk to her, tell her about your concerns, and tell her how you're feeling (I think someone already said that too).

What do you want her to do? What I mean is, if you told her how you were feeling and she said "what can I do to make you more comfortable?" what would you say? And do you know for a fact that she isn't doing any of the things you want her to do? or is it just the age?

Just my opinion.

[mommyofthr33]

im not quite sure father of 7.
shes just soooo young and i remember when i was her age i was in school and traveled, and partied until the AM. there was no way for me to take care of a household or 2 toddlers. knowing what is involved with raising kids it scares me. i understand that not every teen has an immature party life but isnt this why teen pregnancy is discouraged? because teens are kids themselves and have a whole lot of growing up to do.
its hard to imagine a young (very attractive girl) like herself wanting to settle down with an older man when her life is just starting. now add two kids and thats a lot of work. my ex told me she dated guys her age before and my ex is the first older man in her life. how is she going to react when she finds out what this married life is actually like.
im uncomfortable for her as well...in a big house with two screaming kids (theyre a hand full) and a fully grown husband. i remember young guys, she will have a rude awakening when she realizes her future husband is completely different personality wise, energy wise, etc.
im also trying to figure out my ex's reasons for this?? hes not scumbag but im worried that he just wants an 18 year old wife for the wrong reasons and my kids will witness this...

[mom2many]

I think that you might be making this a bigger deal then it needs to be.

I was married at 18 had my first at 19 and my second at 20 and now I have 8. My age had nothing to do with how I parented. I was and am a good mom, sure how I parented at 19 is different then how I parent at......38, but maybe some of that is just expierience and none of start out with experience.

I am not really sure by what you mean when you say "what to tell the kids" you tell them that dad is getting married, nothing different then you would say if the bride was 40.

Get to know this girl before any judgment is passed on her.

I also want to add that I have now been married for 20 years, I don't care how old or young you are marriage is hard and all marriages take work. I made it work at 18 and we went through a lot, but it is working.

[Father_0f_7]

shes just soooo young and i remember when i was her age i was in school and traveled, and partied until the AM.

But that was YOU. Not HER. Just because one 18 year old does something doesn't mean all others do. I was married with a 2 year old daughter with my own house and a steady job when I was 18.

because teens are kids themselves and have a whole lot of growing up to do.

While I discourage teen pregnancy I am going to say that not ALL teens are kids themselves. A lot of the teens I know are more mature than some of the adults I know. I don't think it's fair to stereotype.

[Jeremy+3]

Originally Posted by mommyofthr33

im not quite sure father of 7.
shes just soooo young and i remember when i was her age i was in school and traveled, and partied until the AM. there was no way for me to take care of a household or 2 toddlers. knowing what is involved with raising kids it scares me. i understand that not every teen has an immature party life but isnt this why teen pregnancy is discouraged? because teens are kids themselves and have a whole lot of growing up to do.

Just because you were irresponsible it doesn't mean everyone is, eighteen year olds aren't children, just an idiotic minority act like children. At eighteen I had owned my own home for two years, I had been married for two years and I was expecting my first child. I know a lot of thirty year olds who are idiotic immature fools, but I don't paint that picture of every thirty year old.

its hard to imagine a young (very attractive girl) like herself wanting to settle down with an older man when her life is just starting. now add two kids and thats a lot of work. my ex told me she dated guys her age before and my ex is the first older man in her life. how is she going to react when she finds out what this married life is actually like.

Unless your ex is a psycho and has a personality transplant after marriage, the only difference is a certificate and a ring.

im uncomfortable for her as well...in a big house with two screaming kids (theyre a hand full) and a fully grown husband. i remember young guys, she will have a rude awakening when she realizes her future husband is completely different personality wise, energy wise, etc.

I'm pretty sure she already knows what he is like, she is in a relationship with him after all.

im also trying to figure out my ex's reasons for this?? hes not scumbag but im worried that he just wants an 18 year old wife for the wrong reasons and my kids will witness this...

For what ever reason you relationship wasn't able to continue, that does not give you the right to determine the type of relationship your ex has. You've said yourself that your children like her and she takes care of them, so I really don't understand your problem. Very few people have the luxury of a caring step parent.