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Old 08-14-2010, 03:13 PM   #1
3sACrowd228
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Default 16 Yr Old Daughter In Very Controlling Relationship

Hi.

I haven`t been on the site in a while. While i have been away sorting out my 6 yr old , another problem that i have kept to myself has gotten too much for me to handle. I have tried many times to make my daughter see sense and snap out of it , but she remains clueless.

Here is the story.

For almost 6 months , My 16 yr old daughter has been a relationship with a guy 6 years older than her. at first i saw no problem in this whatsoever. But during these 6 months , her personality and appearance has changed dramatically. I don`t even know my daughter anymore. Me and My fiance know that he is a control freak. We talked to his other exs and they all say the same story. He is manipulative , Controlling and poisons them from her family and friends. And now my daughter is the next girl this guy is controlling.

Here are the things he is doing.

Controlling What My Daughter Wears
- This has been happening recently. When my daughter moved out last month , she took with her most of her clothes to her boyfriends house. I didn`t see her for a month. My daughter wore average modern clothes. Short Jeans , Funky Tops , Dyed her hair blue when she left. She wore girl boxer shorts. She was sort of gothy but she would wear normal clothes too. I go and see her and boyfriend and her appearance has changed dramatically. Her hair was long when i last saw her. Now its short and doesn`t suit her at all. She wears more conservative clothing. She wears long tops and long skirts with tights under the skirt. She told me that her boyfriend didn`t like her gothic look and made her change her look to the way he wanted it. He picked out most of her new clothes and she loved him so much she changed for him. She got the haircut because she liked girls with short hair. She now wears thongs and Briefs because he thinks only Guys can wear boxers (But she told me he wears Y Fronts). So yeah she changed her look for him and i don`t recongnise my daughter anymore.

Made her give all her money to him
- My daughter had a lot of money prior meeting this guy. Now she has none and depends on him for money. I don`t know what happened but now everytime she goes out or needs something , she has to ask him for money. I don`t think that is right. I feel like her independence has been striped from her and she is just a trophy girlfriend to him.

Made her fall out with all her friends
- All her friends fell out with her one by one. She was devastated but stood by her man. I talked to some of her friends and they all had the same story. Her boyfriend was too controlling and didn`t like her friends. Then one day she told them she didn`t want to be friends anymore. It was sad because one of her friends had known her since school. I still keep in contact with them and have tried to get advice from one of her friends because she was in the same position...with the same guy which caught my surprise.

Controls her life in general
My Daughter has to notify him every hour when she is out at night at where she is and who she is seeing. That was at the beginning of the relationship. Now she never goes out and has to stay in with him. He controls her social life pretty much. I have tried to have a night with her , but her bf always manipulates her not to do it. She has no social life anymore.

They have been together for 6 months. She has changed and she is blind to it. Her clothes and hair have changed , all her money is now his money , friends have lost her and she has no social life. She even told me when i visited that every morning , her bf lays out her clothes for her so that he picks what she wears. He finds it cute , i find it creepy.

I also learned something during this. All of her Exs told me that come the 9th month of the relationship , he proposes. Some said yes and some said no. One girl even married him but got the marriage annulled after he got too controlling. I talked to her and she said that it was the wedding that she found out his controlling ways.

Please i need some advice on what to do. This guy isn`t normal. My daughter is ready to ditch me too and i fear i will lose her to this controller. Has anyone else been in these sort of relationships. If so please share with me what is going on.

I feel so sad that now im sheading tears. Please help me get my daughter back.
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Old 08-15-2010, 01:52 PM   #2
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Default Re: 16 Yr Old Daughter In Very Controlling Relationship

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Originally Posted by 3sACrowd228 View Post
My 16 yr old daughter has been a relationship with a guy 6 years older than her. at first i saw no problem in this whatsoever.
I feel it's necessary to point out that a 22 year old dating a 16 year old AUTOMATICALLY introduces a power differential in the relationship. His world is vastly different from hers. He has his own place, likely a vehicle and a job (hence money) and can legally drink. Even if he's the nicest guy in the world, he lives an independent life and has all the freedoms that are not available to the typical teenager. By entering a relationship with him, she has access to those freedoms - through him - but he remains the gatekeeper and therefore holds power.

That being said here are some options you may want to explore:

1. Find out what the age of consent or statutory rape laws are in your area. If statutory rape applies, then all you need is some reasonable evidence that they're doing the nasty and he goes to jail and gets to experience a relationship with a power differential from the other side.

2. There are other legal avenues as well. As the legal guardians of your daughter you have certain rights. You could look into restraining orders or peace bonds that keep this guy away from her. Even misdemeanors like contributing to the deliquincy of a minor may apply if he's giving her alcohol. You can also look at civil action as a direct result of the consequences of any illegal activity.

3. In my experience, teenagers more often move out to get away from something. I don't want this to come across as accusatory, but as a parent it would make sense for you to make a serious effort into identifying and rectifying any issues at home to make sure she knows she has something to come back to.

4. Talk with the boyfriend directly. If he's dating a 16 year old, it's a given that he's not the swiftest bunny in the forest. Make it clear if you need to, you will pursue every avenue legally available to you to keep him away from her.

5. Talk with your daughter directly and figure out what it is about this guy that she's into. Try not to focus too much on the physical changes - like what underwear she's wearing or what colour she's dying her hair. She's 16. These are bound to change month to month anyway. Ultimately she has to choose not to spend time with him and she has to arrive at that conclusion without coersion from you. So your job is simply to table the discussion and express your views. It helps to ask questions rather than state facts to avoid lecturing.

I hope this helps.
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Old 08-15-2010, 02:50 PM   #3
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Default Re: 16 Yr Old Daughter In Very Controlling Relationship

Choppy, as you see they live in the UK, he isn't doing anything illegal, she is 16, she can move out, get married, have sex, and drink alcohol in her home/pub.
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Old 08-15-2010, 05:37 PM   #4
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Default Re: 16 Yr Old Daughter In Very Controlling Relationship

i tried to talk to her tonight on the phone , but she had to go as he was entering and she wasn`t aloud to talk on the phone alone in the house. She talked about how he has bought her a dress for a party they are going to on tuesday and that she doesn`t like it but has to wear it because it means a lot to him. Its her bf`s cousins birthday party and he is using this as an attempt to control her clothing once again.

Their sexual relationship as far as i know it is ok. He just controls her social life and appearance. She doesn`t like the changes in her clothing , but lives with it because she loves him.

She also told me that they might be going on holiday soon.

I`m still very nervous on this relationship. I just want her to snap out of it and come home , but he is manpulating her life to a point where she will be under his control until its too late and she marries him.
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Old 08-16-2010, 01:41 AM   #5
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Default Re: 16 Yr Old Daughter In Very Controlling Relationship

I see it as a very good thing that she is talking to you about it. A lot of times women who find themselves in controlling relationships refuse to see it as such and never admit that there are things they don't like about the relationship. So kudos to you for keeping that line of communication open!!! You are doing something right!

Keep doing what you are doing. Make sure your daughter knows that you are ALWAYS there for her, you love her, and will support her in any way you can. If she feels that she can always come to you, no matter what, hopefully when she sees she is in over her head she will call you.

It would be great if she could just "snap out of it", but who knows how long that would take. Maybe you can be frank with her, let her know that you have some serious concerns about how her boyfriend seems to be isolating her from the life she has always lived. Tell her that you are worried that she will be lonely, and let her know that no matter what, she will always have you.

Could you suggest she learn more about people who control? If she learns more about the kind of person who isolates and controls other people, that would probably be a good thing. She can look at it like she is helping her boyfriend, helping their relationship. But more importantly, she will probably learn more about the dangers and warning signs of being in a controlling relationship. It might give her back some of her power if she can gain some knowledge.

I guess part of the reason why I think this might work is because I was a 16 year old before, and my parents couldn't tell me ANYTHING. The more they said they didn't like something, or tried to fight me, the more I latched on to whatever bad thing I was doing. I think I may have done better if I knew that my parents were always there for me and wouldn't dish out a lot of "told you so" or harsh judgment when I messed up.

Good luck, I feel for you. I've watched countless friends go through something like this and it is very very hard. The only thing that seemed to help is letting them know that I wasn't going anywhere and when they were ready I would be there for them. Learning more about people who control and people who let themselves be controlled helped me better understand....but it's really hard to watch it happen.
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Old 08-16-2010, 03:39 AM   #6
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Default Re: 16 Yr Old Daughter In Very Controlling Relationship

It would be great to hear other stories because its heartbreaking seeing her being manipulated and controlled by him. Its just heartbreaking. Also dealing with my 6 yr old`s wetting problems has made me stop giving attention with my other children which i am trying to make up for this week.

This morning got a text from her saying they are going on holiday next week to Florida so her bf can visit his uncle. She is fine with going , but she doesn`t know how long they will be there. She wants to stay a week but he wants longer.

Also she lost her best friend now. The one person who stood by her and tried to help her is now gone. She has no friends and is now 100% under his control.

I talked to one of his exs and she said that he proposes on the 9th month on their relationship. Boy that makes me more nervous as they are in their 6th month coming 7th in September so he could propose right around November/December time.

I want to have a night with her , but she says that she needs to talk about it with him.

stjohnjulie
- it would be great if you could let me know as a friend what changes you saw through your friends when they entered controlling relationships ? Did there personality change ? Appearance (Clothes,hair) ? and have you lost a friend to a controlling boyfriend/girlfriend who you haven`t had contact with yet ?

Thanks for your responce.
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Old 08-16-2010, 04:10 AM   #7
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Default Re: 16 Yr Old Daughter In Very Controlling Relationship

How do you know all his ex partners/get contact with them?

Concerning her holiday, when she applied for her visa to enter the states she would have to submit details of her return flight or give a definite date for when she leaves, if these weren't submitted she would not be granted a visa. The only way you don't need to do this is when you have an extended visa, however for this you have to have an interview at the embassy, so she will have to come back as per her visa. Unless there are problems out of her control, such as illness or a cancelled flight. She probably doesn't realise, so if she looks at her visa she can find out exactly when she is back, the whole system is fairly new and as confusing as they can possibly make it.

Last edited by Jeremy+3; 08-16-2010 at 04:14 AM..
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Old 08-16-2010, 05:22 AM   #8
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Default Re: 16 Yr Old Daughter In Very Controlling Relationship

Quote:
Originally Posted by 3sACrowd228 View Post
I

stjohnjulie
- it would be great if you could let me know as a friend what changes you saw through your friends when they entered controlling relationships ? Did there personality change ? Appearance (Clothes,hair) ? and have you lost a friend to a controlling boyfriend/girlfriend who you haven`t had contact with yet ?

Thanks for your responce.
Yes to everything. With almost all recent experiences the people involved are adults. Things are much different with a teen. Teens are immature, still trying to find themselves, are much easier to control because they try a lot harder to "fit in" with whomever they are obsessed with at the moment. I'll give you a few examples of what I've dealt with.

I'll start with my kind of step daughter...who is now 25. When she started dating, I had the opportunity to meet one of the guys and have only heard about others.. They were ALL controlling and abusive both physically and mentally. The problem was her. She was dealing with depression that was manifesting itself in all kinds of horrible ways. Eating problems, behavior problems, abusive relationships. It took her a long time to get to the point where she realized that everyone else wasn't the problem, that SHE had the problem and she needed help. Unfortunately, she didn't get to that point until her boyfriend, who was just horrible to her, committed suicide. She had to go through some very intensive therapy after that happened. What I believe helped her the most was volunteering at a woman's shelter. Not sure why it "snapped her out of it" but it did. She still has hard times, but she is much better now.

Another friend, who at the time was almost 40, was a lot harder. She is a very very strong and confident person and found herself in a super controlling relationship. She was very good at hiding it. I had no idea how bad it was until she was out of it. For two years she had drifted away from everyone, but it was a gradual thing. She got out of it on her own. Things just got really bad and she finally kicked him to the curb. Not long after that, she found herself in another bad relationship. It started off great and one day the guy just flipped out. She could have easily lost her life when that happened. She got rid of him right away and swore off men. She could see that something was going on with HER, and she could no longer trust her judgment. She now has a thick wall all around her, but 4 years later she is finally starting to let people in a bit.

Last, I'll tell you about my brother (half brother, 13 years older than I am). He has been married for about 18 years now and has three children. His wife has slowly isolated him from the rest of the family. She calls the shots, and I suspect that she threatens him with his worst fear, divorce, if he doesn't do what she wants. It totally sucks. There is nothing that we have found that has gotten through to him. We just continue to try and communicate with him. I haven't seen him in 8 years.

I wish I could offer you some better insight or advice. I don't know how to speed up the "snap out of it" and it seems like all I can do is wait for it to happen and be there when it does.

Keep talking to your daughter. Make every attempt you can to call her or see her. Try not to be judgmental, that might put a wedge between you. Try to figure out what makes her the kind of person that would allow herself to be controlled. Is it depression? Low self esteem? Or does she just like trying to help "broken" people so much that she will do it at her own expense? Maybe you should try to get to know this guy better? If he is this controlling, he's probably got some serious issues of his own. If you knew what they were, maybe you can help out or at least have a better understanding.

GOOD LUCK!!! Keep us posted.
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Old 08-16-2010, 06:32 AM   #9
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Default Re: 16 Yr Old Daughter In Very Controlling Relationship

Thanks for your post. Feel so sorry for your brother. I hope you reconnect with him soon.

I haven`t talked to all of his exs only 4 of them. He has had 9 ex girlfriends , 4 have been controlled by him. 1 even married him but ended the relationship 4 weeks later.

The one i talked to the most is or was now my daughter`s best friend. She said that he followed her around when she was out and was obseseed about controlling her wardrobe and her underwear.

When it came to the wedding , he made her wear a wedding dress she didn`t like and it made her feel like an old woman. She did all this because she loved him. She ended it because he wanted her to move with him to France in which she declined and then ended it.

I try to get to know him , but he is always busy or has other plans. I reckon he doesn`t want to know me and try and isolate me from my daughter which so far is succeeding.
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Old 08-16-2010, 09:25 AM   #10
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Default Re: 16 Yr Old Daughter In Very Controlling Relationship

I am in tears. I have just had a raging arguement with my daughter.

She calls me and accuses me of trying to sabotage her relationship with her bf. She says that her bf received texts from me telling him to dump her and give me her back. ALL LIES! He is playing his manipulative games with her and trying to split me and my little girl.

She said that if she tries it again , she will lose contact with me and move abroad to stop her from splitting them up.

What an evil man. I was crying. My Fiance was furious. My Children were upset. I can`t believe she loves this man. He has changed her and she just sits there and accepts it. I go on their facebook and see them in photos together with him holding her as if he has control over her.

I want this to end. I really do. My girl is lost to him and it seems i won`t ever get her back.

I think i`ve lost my daughter.
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