I was the youngest person at my 9 yo b-day party

[stjohnjulie]

My son has trouble socializing and was looking for some input from other parents. Let me give you some background to start..... My son is 9 years old, attends a small private school, and we live on a small island without many organized extra curricular activities. He's had the same classmates for almost his entire school career. His class has 9 kids in it, and he is one of 4 boys. I split with his dad more than 4 years ago, but we co-parent (Sat-Wed at my house, Wed-Sat at dads). I am really pretty shy in almost all physical social situations and his dad is bordering on anti social. I am now married to a social butterfly wonderful man.

For my son's last birthday, he wanted to go out to eat instead of a typical birthday party. He invited who he wanted, and I was the youngest person there. A total of 8 people, all adults, ranging from 36 to 55. Not a single kid. It made me kind of sad.

I know he likes some of the kids in his class, but he seems to be on the outs with them pretty frequently. From what I can tell, the kids in his class are very different than he is. I do see him try to "force" a friendship where one probably wouldn't develop if he had more kids to choose from.

He's smart, really smart. I sometimes think this gets in the way of him socializing with kids his age, because they literally, do not understand what he is talking about. They tend to call him "know it all" and stuff like that. But he is also immature in a lot of ways.

The only real organized sport we have is flag football, and he is no good at it. He was on a team, but he never got in the games and started to lose interest in it altogether because he was not good at it.

I really want him to have some friends closer to his age. He does get along well with some older kids, but he is also immature. They don't always want to be around him. Plus, they tend to be getting into teenager stuff, which he has NO interest in. (Girls are still SUPER gross to him).

How can I help him? What should I do? Right now, I would say his best friend is my husband. Which is great, but he needs to have friends that are his age too. Help!!!

[Xero]

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[blanca]

I never had friends when i was younger either. My parents were extremely anti-social, too. It does make growing up tough, but at the same time it kept me out of trouble. After I moved away to go to college I made a lot of friends. I tend to still be anti-social from time to time. I think in order for kids to have a healthy confidence when socializing they have to observe their parents being confident in a social circle. Maybe you could arrange for some parents to come over to your place (with their kids) and socialize. Maybe if he see's you having a good time he'll be more inclined to try making friends.

[stjohnjulie]

I agree that if he saw me in more social situations it would probably help in some way. I am just not capable of it though. We do have lots of visitors over to the house though. And my husband is super social. I am the kind of person who is perfectly happy with a few really good friends but prefer to spend most of my time alone. I have tried to put myself out there more for his sake, but that usually back fires on me because I'm so uncomfortable.

I guess it's possible my son is the same way. I'm getting a ton of pressure from his school because he isn't really very social. I always have felt pressure from the rest of the world because I am not real social....and here I am feeling the same pressure put on him.

[Snapperfish]

I also kind-of had difficulty socialising when I was young. However, I was not too bad at sport, and didn't go to a streamed school, so manged to avoid most of the obvious problems that shy kids receive.

However, I have since found out the cause. My parents are very anxious people and also find social situations difficult. In my upbringing, they focused heavily on my achievements and I ended up very emotionally distanced from them, and thus everyone. After a long personal journey, I have a totally clear understanding of the way people relate or not as the case may be. It doesn't make small-talk to strangers much easier, but now I know what is going on.

I'm not sure how much this will help you, however, you may care to think about how you relate to your son. (Sorry for the psychotherapy words...) If you have a strong desire for him to achieve, he will have picked up on this and it may have caused him to see people in a similar way, ie. achievers like him, or not like him. This may be a reason for what you describe.

Your shyness will have "rubbed off" on him, but there is not much you can do about this. Although, you may wish to seek help finding out more about yourself (although I'm not advising this ).

I would say the best thing to do is to relax about his friendships. Your anxiety can only make things worse. If you become aware of trying to change what he does or chooses (within reason, of course), try to remember that you love him exactly the way he is, not the way you want him to be. I believe parental influence over things that they should just accept is the reason parents have such poor relationships with their teenagers.

Hope this helps.

Matt

[stjohnjulie]

I see what you mean Snapperfish. A big part of my problem is that his dad and I have split custody....he is with me Sat - Tues, and with dad Wed-Fri nights. I have absolutely no control over what goes on when he is at dad's. I think you really have a point about the "achievement". I know his father makes a big deal about it and I can see my guy doing the "Mr. Know It All" act with not just his friends, but with me too. It's not a becoming trait whatsoever. There is one classmate that particularly hates it and has no hesitation about saying so. I don't know how to put it any other way, but I feel that the time my son spends with me, I am having to counteract what his dad is telling him. I NEVER say his dad is bad, or wrong, or anything like that....I just have to gently show/teach him another way of thinking. I have tried to talk to his dad about it over the years, but it's only effect is to cause a lot of tension between all of us. His dad is a very "That's the way I am, and if you don't like it you can f**k off." It's very frustrating!

As far as my hang ups go....well, I've spent 30+ years worrying, analyzing, and fighting them. In the past three years I have taken a different approach and it is working quite well for me. I haven't suffered from a long spell of depression in three years and that is quite a change for me. I've learned to cope with my anxiety and depression. It's still there, but it's under control. I have stopped worrying about how it started and why I suffer from it. Now I just accept it as a part of who I am and work on keeping it under control and gently pushing myself to over come it without stressing myself out. I have some very dear friends and that is more than enough for me. I am never going to be a social butterfly and that is OK.

Thanks for pointing out the "achievement" aspect. It is something that I never thought of! I won't get his dad to stop focusing on achievements....but I and try and round it out when he is with me.

[Snapperfish]

I'm glad I could offer something for you to think about. Your situation is not rare these days, but still difficult to deal with nevertheless.

I feel that you're best to concentrate on modeling the behaviour you wish him to have. Just try to be as warm and nurturing as you can without being too intrusive. He will pick up the resentment you have for his dad, so it is best if you can accept that you have "absolutely no control" and not even think about trying to "counteract" it. Easy for me to say, hard for you to do.

It is good to hear that you have had success with coping with anxiety and depression. I have been there, and come out the other end, so I have sympathy for you. It is extremely challenging to face these things - that is why I don't advise anyone to go to therapy. They need to choose for themselves.

All the best for you and your son

Matt

[IADad]

Don't know how I missed this originally, guess, I've been on and off a lot these days. As for the mr know it all act, I guess part of the question is, does it bother him. If he doesn't mind, or even relishes being called Mr know it all, then you're not likely to change him. It's only if it bothers him. Then you can talk with him about the difference between knowing and telling, and developing some restraint.

As for the socialization, first of all, for the organizers of flag football, Boo to them, at the under 9 age they really should have been focusing on fun and equal playing time. It's almost criminal to not give a little kid playing time.

So, maybe he's just not much interested in sports, what about music? Art? Are there any opportunities to do any club acvities there? Like at my sons school, they have some after school "clubs" that teachers run and the kids can sign up for, cooking club, craft club etc. If not maybe you could start one up?

[stjohnjulie]

As far as resentment towards my son's father, not to toot my own horn, but I just want to be clear that I never have shown any of this to anyone except my husband (and now here on this forum). I am extremely aware and careful about what is said, and my body language when it comes to his dad. I now know that I cannot change anything with him and have put my focus on what I can control. I don't think I mentioned it before, but my son's dad is also my boss. That puts another twist on things.... It's been tricky defining the line between business and personal, but I have really put my foot down over the past couple of years.

As far as my guy being in different clubs and stuff...there just aren't any. He does take guitar lessons. It's great! But it doesn't socialize him at all since it is one on one. Every other sport or club he has been in has failed due to the adults involved. It totally sucks. A couple of things finished out the season, but several of them ended before they were supposed to. I had an idea to start a Hot Wheels drag racing club for the kids on the island. I think it would be great to do, but I'm not going to start ANYTHING unless I know that it will ALWAYS run on time, every time. Since I have a baby on the way, I will not be able to always be there. I'm trying to find some other committed adults to help me, but it is ridiculously sad that I haven't had any luck. I haven't given up, but I am still looking.

Mr. Know It All is trying to get it in check. My husband and I talk to him about it when it comes up. A phrase we hear too often is "I know!" and when we hear it, we tell him how it could be taken wrong and ask him if he can think of another way of saying it. He does pretty well, but it still comes up a lot.

On a good note, he was invited over to a classmate's house the other day. He was there all day and I think he had a good time. He doesn't get invited places very often, but I think it has more to do with logistics than anything else. We don't have typical neighborhoods where the kids can just come out and play. Someone always has to be driven somewhere. So it seems like the kids who are closer together end up playing together the most.

Monday was supposed to be the first day of school, but with the hurricane, they haven't been yet. Not sure if they will have school today. Public schools will be closed, but I haven't heard anything about his school. My son is ready to go though!!! He was complaining yesterday about school being closed. I'm glad he is anxious to get back to school.