im losing my friggin mind!

[kassierossiter]

ok so its been a while since ive stumbled in here... i have 5 kids... 12 yr old step daughter, 9 yr old son, 5 yr old son, 4 year old son, and a son who is just over 18 months.

this summer has been horrid. i was just recently diagnosed with fibromyalgia and the months leading up to this have been terrible. for about a month from june - july (towards the end) i couldnt hardly get out of bed. if it werent for my 12 yr old sd i dont know what i would have done. she pretty much took care of the kids for me while i suffered in depression, pain and anxiety. she made sure they were not hurting themselves or others, but lets face it, she is 12 and is not the same as a mom or even an adult nanny as far as rules and schedules etc...

needless to say my meds are finally starting to take hold and i am trying my damnest to get back to my routine and role as mom.

no one will listen. NO ONE... not even the 2 older kids. the 3 younger are TERRIBLE... i say "go get in the bath tub" they say flat out "no" or "im busy" or "shhhhh!"

they scream constantly when they arent getting their way and mom is trying to put her foot down. they are into EVERYTHING.... everything.

i am over run and cannot keep up with all of them! if i am spending time with one that needs correcting the other 2 of the little ones see the opportunity to cause even more trouble. if i stop with the one im working with to switch to the others then the one has seen that they can do what they want.

i hate spanking, and am ashamed to admit it, but ive even resorted to spankin in the last 2 days... that resort was very short lived because it makes no difference in their behavior.

time outs dont work, they refuse to stay where i tell them, unfortunatley i cannot hold 3 of them in place at the same time,. sending them to their rooms dont help, thats free play time.

how do i get back to being in charge here? im so lost. im miserable. im disrespected and walked on. i feel like a friggin bowl of pudding... no back bone. even when i try my best to stay calm it does no good with them.

my older 2 are a bit more sneaky about not doing what is asked but it just adds to it.

ANY HELP OUT THERE? im just shy of calling nanny 911!

[LilyLovely]

Aw you poor thing! The best thing I can tell you is that things will get better! I promise! Hang in there!

-Ps. I gave you reputation points, give me some back!

[ThisMomsTheBomb]

Sounds like a definite hard time! My only advice would be to really try to connect with your children and let them know that Mommy is going through a hard time but with their cooperation everything can be okay!

I will give you rep points as well! You too Lily Lovely! This is my first post, I am excited to become part of the community!

[IADad]

First of all I simpathize with you and don't know that I have a lot to offer, but I'll try. It seems as though they've discovered a couple of things, that they're more capable of being independent and that you're vulnerable.

I do think that the iron mom approach is not going to work, and while I agree with the connection of trying to "Connect" with them, I think some caution is needed there. I don't think you want ot be seen as "negotiating' with them for behavior. You're the mom, what you say goes - BUT, maybe you can trick them a bit with some subtle changes. I would talk with them a lot about respect, make the point that they want to be treated with respect and so do you. Also make the point that you all need to work together as a family to get everything done, and as the mom you're in charge of seeing everything gets done. You can make the point that there's more fun to be had when you all pitch in cooperate and get things done. Lastly, consider changing "Go to the bathtub" to "Okay, now we're going to the bathtub...tricking them into complying. Once they are ina better habit of following some direction, I think your role will be restored. and when you have to resort to "punishment," pick things that they'll miss the loss of (a toy, a favorite TV show, and you don't have to take it away in anger, just very matter-of-fact, they broke a rule or defied you, you need to impress upon them how that can't be.

Hope some of that might help.

[stjohnjulie]

Oh my! You are having a rough time of it for sure! If I had a magic wand, I'd loan it to you!

I use the "trick" of making my guy think he is making the decisions. Sounds like your crew got a taste of power and are very reluctant to give it up. Not sure if this will work, but try giving them a choice, but make sure either choice is acceptable to you.

"You can either take your bath now, or you can take it in 15 minutes. Which ever choice you make, I don't want to hear complaining about it or else you won't get to do "x". "

Admittedly, I do have to get more creative with my options. As he gets older, he can tell that my "options" are actually the same thing and not a choice really

I hope you feel better, and really hope you can get your crew back in line!

[NancyM]

Hey Kassi

My mom had 7 kids each 1 to 2 yrs apart, when we asked her how she didn't go completely nuts, she said when ever she felt like she was going to blow she just stopped and joined the kids!

She said she would actually sit down in the middle of everyone and get into their game, or into their happiness. She said it saved her life! lol
I'm not really laughing because I give you so much credit, and my mother as well, it takes special people to love and care for many children.

She said once she let go and relaxed with the kids she actually enjoyed it, like being in their simple minds made her calm, and feeling free for a few minutes gave her a fresh breath.

And than she would get up and feel refreshed, and everything else didn't seem so stressful or important anymore.

Everything will get done eventually, if your not feeling good once in a while, than skip the baths for one night so what if they smell a little.

Try not to feel like they're 'winning' over you because that just adds stress to the situation. Feel like you won because you get to flop down and get take a load off.

[Snapperfish]

I think you are doing a great job. 5 kids and, by the sound of it, no support! Two parents looking after one child can still struggle. No wonder you think you are losing it! I have a lot of sympathy for you.

I agree with the idea that you try to "be on their side." That doesn't mean trying to be "their friend" or letting them be in charge. You are the adult and you are responsible for them, but clearly being authoritarian is not attainable. The alternative is that you ask them to do things, and not worry too much about what actually happens. When you are worn down the last thing on your mind is having fun, but it really works to get kids to do things. Have a race to the bath. They will run ahead of you!

I'm sure all your kids will be seeking your attention like mad. You can only do your best.

See if you can get help from anywhere you can.

Matt

[superman]

maybe its time to have a "family talk" with their dad n sit down around the table. you need to tell em whats up as far as ur illness goes (my grandma has fm, i get it) u need to tell them straight up how it makes you feel everyday, that to function u need their cooperation. if this dont work i would suggest daycare if u can afford it or maybe a nanny to help out with the kids. all the best.

[1mom.4kids]

I completely hear what NancyM is saying. I have had to learn to let go of a lot since I became a mom. I love a sparkling clean, everything in its place type of house. When I walk through the front door I want to smell the disinfectants at work and see the soft glow of cleanness.

I was able to have this with one kid but not four. I have learned to allow the house to get messy, and everything not be just perfect. We still clean but it is no longer a constant job. We do it once a day in the evening as a family. Takes about 20 minutes with everyone helping...including the baby only his idea of helping is taking his toys back out of the toy box!! LOL

And just as Superman suggested we came to this decision as a family. I pulled everyone and told them how unacceptable I found the house and they told me that they felt they cleaned all the time. Cleaning one time a day is what we came up with and it works. I still cringe when everything is everywhere but at least now I know it won't last and I will get to enjoy my clean house when the kids are in bed.

Hopefully you will find away to put down some of the weight you are carrying soon. Being a mom shouldn't be a constant struggle. Good luck!