Me, my daughters mother and her bf.

[alastair]

For the past two years or so, things between my ex and me have been fairly civil. The years preceding that were intensely volitile, with custody battles and lots of petty bickering. I had hoped that recent history had proved we had gotten more mature, but today we had the first blow up on a while.
Heres the short of it. My ex and her bf have been going out for about seven years now (he was actually the guy she had been cheating on me with when we were together). They have a kid together as well, who is my daughters, half sister.
I get my daughter every other weekend.
Well today she sent me a text saying that her bf's triathlon is on a sunday, which just happens to be on one of my weekends. She said she wanted to trade a day, so that my daughter could attend the triathlon with her sister and her mother, for moral support for the bf.
I told her that i'm not willing to trade a day. My reasoning behind that is that her bf isn't her parent, so its not necessary that my daughter be there to cheer him on. He has his own daughter, and my ex to be his cheer squad. I don't feel like i owe him anything. So i definitely don't relish the idea of rearranging my schedule so my daughter can see him perform at a triathlon.
I told my ex that if it was HER that was performing, then i would be willing, as she is a parent. But he isn't, so its not my problem.
So she blows up and says that i'm being unreasonable. That I need to get over myself.
For the past year or so, she has let me take my daughter out to dinner every wednesday, but when i told her that I wasn't willing to trade a day, she told me not to bother coming on wednesdays anymore. I told her she was being petty and was punishing our daughter by doing that, who always looks forwards to wednesday dinners with me. She says she isn't being petty or selfish, but that she thinks its best to minimize our daughter's contact with a person who is mean for the sake of being mean.
I pointed out to her that her bf has been mean to me, just for the sake of being mean, many many times, and that she never 'minimized' our daughter's time with him. (during the rough years, her bf was very disprespctful to me and would scold or ridicule me in front of my daughter)
She says I am the one being selfish and petty and that if I'm jealous of the close relationship that my daughter has with her stepdad, that its no ones problem but mine.

Sorry if this post seems really sophmoric. Just typing it makes me realize how immature the whole thing sounds, but I would love any advice on this. Am I the one at fault here? Is it her? The triathlon isn't for another three weeks, so any ideas on how to solve this would be greatly appreciated.

[Xero]

For some reason, your post had everything in it twice LOL, so I edited it to fix it.

I agree, you don't owe her bf anything, and you shouldn't trade days just because she wants you to for him. BUT I think the real question here is not does your ex want her to go or does your ex's boyfriend want her to go, but does SHE (your daughter) want to go? I think you need to bypass everybody else and talk to your daughter one on one, and ask her if she would like to be there for him. And even further, does she mind missing a day with you (to be made up another day) in order to do it? Or would she rather not go, and spend that scheduled day with you? Don't make her feel like she has to tell you what you want to hear, either. Tell her to be honest. If it were me, I would ask her and my answer would be right there. If she is telling you yes, and you're still saying no, then yeah you might be acting a little jealous and a little selfish by not letting her go anyway, just this once, even though she's close to a guy you don't like.

So long story short, let your daughter decide. JMHO, its what I would do.

[stjohnjulie]

I think you should ask your daughter what she wants to do too. I don't know if she feels she can be honest with you without feeling like she is betraying you in some way.

From what you have posted...I think I would have just traded the day. I struggle with my ex on the same kind of stuff and I've had to learn to really pick my battles to make life easier. I am constantly "giving" more than he does, but I trust that it is all for the greater good. I would understand you not wanting to trade if you had something planned, but from what you post it seems more like you just want to "stick" it to the boyfriend. No offense intended...I know how it feels to not want to bend!

Your ex taking away your Wed. night dinner sounds like she is taking a stick back at you. It's sooooo easy to go tit for tat when something like this comes up.

I know it sucks, but try to be the bigger person and avoid the conflict. My ex is constantly asking me to do stuff for him and in the rare occasion I ask him to do something he makes a huge fuss over it. It is frustrating, but at least I feel like I am doing what is right.

Good luck! Let us know how it all turns out. I hope you get it resolved quickly. It might be three weeks until the race, which is a long time to fight, but if you can't come to an agreement that everyone is happy with, you will probably be fighting for a lot longer!

[Xero]

I also think it would be smart to let them switch, because you never know if you will need a different day for something special in the future, and you'll have this day on your side in order to get it.

[mom2many]

What they said ....

[NancyM]

I agree with what they said too.
Good luck

[Antoinette]

i can't really add much, everything i wanted to say has already been covered by Xero or Stjohnjulie

[bikermomma78]

I have to agree with the other posters here. I have been in similar situations. I have given up time so my son could do stuff with his step sister before my ex was remarried. It becomes what's best for the child. Every possible minute with us isn't best if we look selfish and unyielding to the child. Sadly, the other parent rarely acknowledges it, but when the kids grow up they will remember.

[Vikas1]

story is long, i can trust this. best of luck.

[Snapperfish]

I totally disagree with the others. I think your ex is being childish and using all sorts of emotional cr*p on you.

You and she have an agreement. She is perfectly entitled to ask you if you wish to do a swap with her. You are perfectly entitled to say no, it doesn't suit. She should just accept your decision.

If the Wednesday thing is not part of the agreement, and is due to the "generosity" of your ex, then you may have to factor this into your decision. I agree that your ex cutting this off will hurt your daughter more than you.

I didn't think of asking your daughter immediately. I think it could be wise to talk to her, but take care that you do not make her feel like a pawn in the middle (sorry for mixing my metaphores). She may feel that she has to choose between you and her mother. Maybe you can just explain your side of the situation, say that you need to make a decision, but you wanted to know if she had any strong feelings about what she would like to do. You didn't mention her age, it might be relevant.

Much of life is not ideal. Split families are an unfortunate fact of today's society. I suggest you can be the "bigger person" by avoiding calling your ex names, etc., the stuff that she is doing to you, and try to calmly say what I suggested above.

It isn't easy with all those emotions flowing about, but I hope it helps.

Matt