Sudden Social Anxiety?

[Xero]

I don't know what has come over Eli lately. He's turning 3 in about a week, in case anyone doesn't know. He's such a good boy, and he's an excellent communicator, very smart. And up until lately he was always pretty good with people. He wouldn't necessarily run up to people he didn't recognize, but if they talked to him he would respond, like saying hi when they say hi to him or telling them his name and how old he is and such. He would be slightly shy, which makes sense to me, if the person was unfamiliar, but he would respond and he would be nice, and act cute because he usually enjoyed the attention.

About a month ago he started being insanely shy and scared around new people. Every time we see someone new, if he is on his feet he will run over to me and hide behind me, or make me pick him up. If I am holding him on my hip, he'll hide his face in my shirt and will refuse to look at anyone the entire time. If he's in a grocery cart, he'll lean over real small and hide his face in his hands. When people say hi to him or ask him questions to be nice, I'll try to tell him "Go on Eli, say hi! Be nice! Its okay" and he'll shake his head and whisper "I can't" every time. And if I keep pushing him, he'll actually start crying! He doesn't smile like he thinks being shy is funny or anything either, he always looks genuinely scared and upset. And I don't get it.

For instance, I brought him into my doctor's office, because my mom works there and I was dropping him off with her as she was getting out of work so I could go birthday shopping for him. All the ladies my mom works with were all excited to see Eli and they were trying to say hi to him and ask how old he is etc and he would only hide in my shirt and whisper "I can't, I can't" and earlier that day I got some blood work done and the guy at the ACL was being SUPER nice to him and he tried to take him to get a little juice box they keep around for kids, and when I tried to gently push him in the guy's direction, he yelled "NO!!!" and started crying! It was so dramatic and embarassing lol. All I could say is "I'm sorry, he's been so shy lately".

Maybe I'm over analyzing this, but I just feel like its not normal. I mean, this is EVERY time we go out!! Not even just once in a while, EVERY time. The ONLY time he doesn't do this, oddly enough, is when we're at the park. Its like he doesn't even notice there are strange people there, probably because he's so lost in the fun he's having running around and playing lol.

But yeah, any experience with this? What can I do to help him?

EDIT TO ADD: I forgot to mention, he does not have this problem with other kids. He's pretty happy being around other kids, and where I do think he is a little below average on the playing well with others scale (he just seems a little delayed as far as knowing how to play with other kids, probably because he's never been to daycare or preschool, and he's an only child) he's definitely not afraid of other kids, and he enjoys being around them. Its just strange adults.

[stjohnjulie]

Have a question for you.... do you suffer from social anxiety?

[Jeremy+3]

A lot of children do develop sudden social anxiety, sometimes it is attachment related, other times it can be that an inhibition has developed as they are becoming more self aware.

Obviously there are a lot of things that can cause social anxiety, has he had a bad experience with an adult lately? When Amelia was little an old man was up close to her and said "Boo" after that she was scared of old men for ages, it's odd what effects children really.

Has he been left at all out of your, or his fathers care? That could be very upsetting as well, plus he would obviously be left with an adult, and so place that fear on adults.

[Dadu2004]

Delaney has gone through that phase before as well. Eventually she got over it. I would explain to him that while we don't talk to strangers, you can also be kind and polite to people.

[mom2many]

Perfectly normal Zero!

Most kids go through this phase between 2 1/2 and 4. Aiden himself has started the same thing within the last couple of months.

Don't make a big deal of it and don't feed into the fear. Just go about everything as if everything is normal, he will eventually come around, and remember some kids are just shyer then others but so long as it isn't effecting every aspect of his life I wouldn't be to worried about it.

[Xero]

Originally Posted by stjohnjulie

Have a question for you.... do you suffer from social anxiety?

I did as a child, yes, and so did his father. We have grown out of it for the most part though, although we are still a little bit that way. We have both always had social issues, but they really are much better. I'm better with it than DH, probably because I have worked in a job involving customer service for the last four years or so, that has helped a lot. I have no trouble talking to people, approaching people, being around people. However I do get a little uncomfortable when I'm surrounded by too many people, but that's really the extent of it. DH isn't quite as socially adjusted as I am, but he's not a weirdo either. He's not a social butterfly, but he's fine with talking to random people, going up to strangers, being in public places etc. We both had severe issues when we were younger though, but I can blame our upbringing for almost 95% of our problems, so I don't know if I'm ready to say that Eli is inheriting it.

Originally Posted by Jeremy+3

Obviously there are a lot of things that can cause social anxiety, has he had a bad experience with an adult lately? When Amelia was little an old man was up close to her and said "Boo" after that she was scared of old men for ages, it's odd what effects children really.

Has he been left at all out of your, or his fathers care? That could be very upsetting as well, plus he would obviously be left with an adult, and so place that fear on adults.

I can't think of any specific bad experiences specifically. :/ Although a few weeks ago we were at the laundry mat and the freaky old lady there yelled at him for running, and he looked kind of surprised (and I gave her a dirty look hehe). But I don't think that could be it haha.

Since he was born, he has rarely been out of our care. He has never gone to daycare or preschool so far, mostly because I liked to have him home with me. And I take him wherever I go. I would only let trusted family members babysit him for a couple hours at a time, and very rarely, until he was about two (I know, I'm crazy lol). Just after he turned two, my mom convinced me to let him spend the night at her house every now and again, and I let him go spend one night with her maybe every other weekend but its not because I'm doing anything, its because she really wants him to and he ADORES her and really looks forward to going. But other than that, he is rarely with anyone other than DH or me for very long. DH works full time though, so Eli is almost always with me.

Originally Posted by Dadu2004

Delaney has gone through that phase before as well. Eventually she got over it. I would explain to him that while we don't talk to strangers, you can also be kind and polite to people.

That's good to hear, I hope its just a phase for Eli. I have been working on him. When he does it, once we walk away or get back in the car etc I talk to him and I say "Its okay to talk to people, Eli. You should be nice, and say hi." and stuff like that. I'm hoping if I keep encouraging him to talk, that he will come around.

[Xero]

Thank you M2M!! It makes me feel so much better to hear that its pretty normal. -phew- haha... I guess I AM a little worried for him, considering the problems DH and I had socially as kids. How long do you think the phase tends to last in your kids?

[stjohnjulie]

I think it is pretty normal as well. I asked if you had it because it can also be a learned thing. I have social anxiety pretty bad and when my son went through this phase it kind of stuck because he learned it from me. It's a hard habit to break once it has set in. I have lots of ways to "cope" with it, but I certainly hope that my son can just not have it instead of learn how to cope with it!

I deal with all of this with my son as well, and he's 9 now. I've read and had people tell me that I shouldn't say "he's shy" in front of him. Kind of puts a label on him that he is going to live up to and it makes a feeble attempt at excusing the "rudeness" of it.

I know he is kind of young, but do you think you could get him to verbalize how he is feeling? Maybe he did have some kind of bad interaction that set it all off. It's probably easier to help him conquer his fear if you can find the root.

He's a cutie pie by the way!

[Xero]

Thanks!

I have asked him why he does it, and he usually just tells me "I just can't". haha He usually has better reasons for things, but I guess he can't really explain this one.

[IADad]

I think it's pretty normal as well. Maybe you can help him through it by prepping him for the interactions...Like at the Drs office, if you knew the other ladies were likely to fawn on him, perhaps you could have had a private discussion before, "Eli, Gransmas friends are going to be here, you remember some of them, they're very nice. It'd be sweet if you could say HI, don't worrry Grandma's going to be right there with you, there's nothing to be scared about." Maybe with enough coaching like that you can move him through the phase quickly. I suspect, that even though he appears not to be enjoying the attention being shy is getting him, that it is, in part, a test. A test to see how much attention he can garner, a test to see how you will react. Maybe if you're low key and essentially leave him to his shy game, it won't be as much fun anymore.