Sex

[yoobritt]

When your child starts to have sex, and you know it... but they don't know you know... how exactly should you break it to them and what should you do? I don't want it to be like "Oh, your in my business" I also don't want any grandchildren. What should I do?

[theglyphon]

Personally I think that that conversation is going to be as embarrassing as hell and you can't avoid it. Just choose when you are going to do it, when the two of you are alone, and jump in. They don't have to know you know. Just go with the, now you are getting older I want to be absolutely sure you know how to protect yourself. Cover the 'you can say no' 'if you get in trouble you can call any time from any place and I will come and get you' 'if you do decide to do anything use protection' bases.

Just my take on it.

Then you need to decide whether to permit them to do it in your house. If the kids are defintiely going to do it then they are safer there.

[SageMother]

Originally Posted by theglyphon

Personally I think that that conversation is going to be as embarrassing as hell and you can't avoid it. Just choose when you are going to do it, when the two of you are alone, and jump in. They don't have to know you know. Just go with the, now you are getting older I want to be absolutely sure you know how to protect yourself. Cover the 'you can say no' 'if you get in trouble you can call any time from any place and I will come and get you' 'if you do decide to do anything use protection' bases.

Just my take on it.

Then you need to decide whether to permit them to do it in your house. If the kids are defintiely going to do it then they are safer there.

I TOTALLY agree with your assessment of the safety factor.

I met some very wise parents whose 16 year old daughter's boyfriend would sleep over on some weekends, with her of course. Her bedroom was far enough away for appropriate privacy.

The parents used this as a way keeping tabs on how the relationship was functioning, to avoid abuses and to help teach problem solving skill when young couple had disagreements...we all know how quickly those things can get out of hand.

I applauded their wisdom. There ability to accept reality and then work with it in a positive fashion is the way I think things should go in a healthy environment.

My own twin sons are in their 30's now, but things were handled in much the same way with a couple of their girlfriend's parents. It delayed my grey hairs for at least 4 years.

[shazzal]

Hi My DD has recently just got her first boyfriend.We are very open about everything and I was horrified when she told me about all the things her friends were getting up to. I trust her but I felt that she needed to get another perspective on keeping safe. My sister in law recommended an interactive CD that she had got for my niece and we got a copy and found it really helpful.It covers all the topics we worry about talking about and they find embarassing at school.They have a website worth checking out. www.sensecds.com Good luck xxxxxxxxx

[happy2bg33k]

I think before you have any type of discussion you really have to examine what your goals are. Are you concerned for safety? Do you disapprove of your child having sex? Do you want to impart the emotional implications, etc?

My husband and I have both worked in schools and the knowledge that kids have today terrifies me because it's both extensive and misinformed at the same time. Kids (some of them, not all) think very little of performing very intimate acts and sometimes with many different people. As a mother it scares me that this is more and more the norm. For me that's what i want to impart to my children, not any type of judgment. Anyway, I ramble...

[jmeyer3131]

Originally Posted by happy2bg33k

I think before you have any type of discussion you really have to examine what your goals are. Are you concerned for safety? Do you disapprove of your child having sex? Do you want to impart the emotional implications, etc?

My husband and I have both worked in schools and the knowledge that kids have today terrifies me because it's both extensive and misinformed at the same time. Kids (some of them, not all) think very little of performing very intimate acts and sometimes with many different people. As a mother it scares me that this is more and more the norm. For me that's what i want to impart to my children, not any type of judgment. Anyway, I ramble...

No, you're not rambling, you're making a good point. What we tell our kids needs to be based on our values.

It helps to be able to be open. My daughter and I talked about sex along with everything else ever since she's been old enough to talk. That way she knows she can come to me. We had our mother/daughter talk well before the schools did.

So far it's worked well. She does come to me. That's how I've learned about all the misinformation from friends. She asks me about what she hears, particularly if she has reason to doubt it. (She's also taught me a few things about sexual jokes and slang.)

Teaching it early also allows us lots of talks about values regarding sex and why we believe the way we do. I think it's an important issue. When they had the "big talk" in school (in fourth grade) my daughter expressed an interest in abstaining. She likes the idea of waiting until her wedding night. Many of the girls in class, though, outright told her that her thinking was wrong. They said that sex is just a part of dating. Having sex is something that is supposed to come at the end of the date night.

That's scary. They don't even care about the "love" part anymore. It's just recreational.

Though she's only 14 now, she knows several people in her class who are no longer virgins. More than that, the openness has gotten to the point where sexual harassment is even more accepted, even same-gender harassment.

I realize this doesn't really answer the initial question all that well. Once your child starts having sex, he/she is unlikely to stop. It's still important, though, to talk about it and to share your values. Once they are sexually active, they need to know about all the risks, not just the pregnancy risk.

Good luck. It's a tough subject.

[shazzal]

I agree. I would never like to think I am encouraging my kids by giving them information however nowadays they need to know as many facts about the risks as possible so that when they are ready they at least know how to keep themselves safe.

[Teresa]

I've been very lucky with my children so far. We started talking about "where babies come from" when they were each about 3 or 4, and we've continued to have open and honest discussions ever since. They have always known that they could come to me with questions, or to tell me things, and they wouldn't be judged for it. When my son was 17, he decided he was ready to be sexually active, so he came to me and told me.....I really didn't want to hear it, but I knew I HAD to be listening, you know? I made sure he was supplied with protection, and we continued to talk about things for as long as he lived at home. So far neither of my daughters has come to me for that sort of conversation, but I hope that they know they can if it becomes necessary.

[SageMother]

Originally Posted by happy2bg33k

I think before you have any type of discussion you really have to examine what your goals are. Are you concerned for safety? Do you disapprove of your child having sex? Do you want to impart the emotional implications, etc?

My husband and I have both worked in schools and the knowledge that kids have today terrifies me because it's both extensive and misinformed at the same time. Kids (some of them, not all) think very little of performing very intimate acts and sometimes with many different people. As a mother it scares me that this is more and more the norm. For me that's what i want to impart to my children, not any type of judgment. Anyway, I ramble...

People have forgotten that kids used to learn about sex by watching animals on the farm. I truly believe that the modern world, at least in the USA, has sanitized the natural facts of life so much that kids are left too vulnerable. It is much easier to take advantage of someone sho knows little or nothing about sex than it is someone who can recognize preludes to sexual behavior that might be unwelcomed.

[Thalionore]

When my mother found out I was having sex, she did the best thing any parent could ever have done. She sat BOTH of us down and said that she knew we were having sex. She said that she knew she couldn't stop us from having sex, but she wanted to set some ground rules.

Rule #1. We use protection ( If we can't get protection, we ask for it)

Rule # 2. We don't sneak around and risk getting in trouble, or putting the girl in danger of a predator

Rule # 3. Both sets of parents know

Rule # 4. Our lives come first, if grades drop or anything of that sort. We wouldn't see eachother for awhile (A reasonable amount of time though, otherwise your kids will just sneak around)

Rule #5. If my mother heard about me forcing, or being disrespectful to my girlfriend about sex then, all visitations and dates would be supervised. No questions.