Favoritism

[1mom.4kids]

I have a situation happening in my family where a family member is showing favoritism to just one of my children. We have spoken to this person privately and asked them to stop because it is hurtful to other children and they refuse to acknowledge that they are, in fact, playing favorites. Has anybody dealt with this before and could throw some advise my way please? Actually I am not picky, throw some advise my way even if you haven’t!!!

(I am sorry that this post doesn’t really have many “fine” details. This is a public forum *shrug*….need I say more?)

[Father_0f_7]

Can I ask for an example on what they are doing? It just might be a little easier to help if we know more of what's going on.

[1mom.4kids]

I think the best way to describe it would be anything that makes a child more "special" then their siblings.....

Spending more time with them, buying them more, only watching that one child or only allowing that one child to stay the night.....

Does that help?

[stjohnjulie]

Do the other kids notice? Have they said anything to you about it? I'm going to assume that this person dishing out the favoritism is someone you can't just "cut out" so to speak. If it is someone that is pretty important in their life, then talk to the person and let them know it's all or nothing. That what they are doing is hurting the other children's feelings and you need them to include them all. Make it clear that even though they might not think they are playing favorites, that the rest of you are seeing it differently and that things need to change. Use specific examples to try and get your point across. If you have to, limit the amount of time that the person is around the kids. It will suck, but you are the mom and you are protecting all of your children.

If we aren't talking about someone "important" than just avoid the person. Refuse their offers to watch just the one child and politely decline the gifts.

[Antoinette]

i have this a little too but its not so bad because the person who is doing it only see's them every few months so it isn't a hige effect... it is Davids cousin Hayley

she loves Felix and calls him her man (he loves her too) she cuddles him and is so excited to see him but she really has none of this with Alegra its just a "wow she is getting big, how old is she now?" and a quick cuddle but with Felix she plays with him and cuddles him and gives him treats etc. they are so young now it doesn't really matter but i can see it being a problem when Alegra gets older

[1mom.4kids]

Thanks guys. Sounds like I am doing the right thing. The other kids do see it and it's heart wrenching when you have to answer "Why does xxxx not like us or ever want to see us?"

If the person wasn't important they would have already gotten totally cut off and we have already started "closing the door" on them. I would really like them to stay involved but I can't hurt 3 to help 1.

If this person will simply not accept the fact they are playing favorites I guess there really is no choice.....

Okay one last question please since me and my fiance have a HUGE difference of opinions on this and it is perfectly okay if you disagree with me. I have my big girl pants on and I can take it.

How many times should we let them back in before the door just shuts totally and doesn't re-open? What happens is things will get better for a about a month and then it starts happening again. We start closing the door, they start screaming and yelling that they aren't showing favoritism, door opens, it's better for about a month, and then the cycle starts again.

My finance says as long as they try we will always open the door back up. I disagree. They are adults. At some point this becomes a ridiculous game and with four kids emotionally invested, it is not one I care to play.

I understand at times that emotions can block logic so please honest opinions. (I don't really doubt you guys will but I have been to forums that simply just agree with the poster. I didn't come here to have my opinion feed back to me. :P)

[stjohnjulie]

You may want to explain to the person that you see that they are making an effort to change, and you really appreciate it, but they need to be consistent without you having to remind them all the time. Make sure you do this in private of course, and I would probably make it a special meeting to discuss just this issue so they know how important this is to you. Explain to them how you feel and that you are not willing to sacrifice the good of one at the cost of the other 3 and if you see it happen again that you are going to have to make a serious decision about how much they are allowed around the children. I guess I would continue to let them "back in" if I saw some effort on their part, but I certainly wouldn't give them an inch when it comes to when to pull back. Good luck! Let us know how it goes!

[Father_0f_7]

"Why does xxxx not like us or ever want to see us?"

Tell the person EXACTLY that. What your children are saying. I know that you have talked to them before, but when have you talked to them?
For example. Have you talked to them about it a day after they come over. I guess what I'm trying to say is if you see it happening, go over to the person immediately, pull him/her aside and say "you're doing it right now, you did this with ---- and you didn't do that with ----" .

I don't know that there is a set number of how many times the door can open and close. I think it would depend on who the person is and if the children want to see that person even when the person is gone...does that make any sense?

[1mom.4kids]

Yes it does. I have never tried to confront them as it was happening because I am a very non-confrontational person but I am willing to give it a try.

I did go over today and speak with her in private. Just me and her with no kids. It could have gone better but I am hoping even through she was defensive that what I was saying got through. It's not important that she admit that I am right...(even through secretly I would love that!!) but that she change.

We will see how it goes. Thanks for the great advise and I will keep you guys posted. Don't hesitate to throw any more ideas at me.

[Snapperfish]

The ol' won't-admit-it, defensive-about-it syndrome, eh?

From my experience, it won't change. Especially if age has anything to do with it. The short-term changes that you talk about are because your message is getting across, perhaps even offending the family member. But they probably have no capacity to understand what you are on about, hence the defensive/denial behaviour. Don't worry for their sake about having to "confront" them. It might be difficult for you, but keep it up.

I would say, keep giving the message, keep the door open (your children do still need their aunt/granny/whatever), and perhaps try explaining to your other children (if they are old enough) that sometimes life isn't fair and sometimes there is favouritism. The important thing is that you (and your fiance) do not show favouritism. Your influence outweighs the influence of the other family member by such a huge amount that the issue is really only minor (although, difficult to watch).

Parenting is hard, isn't it? All the best.

Matt