So now that we are on the topic of long-lost parents...

[singledad]

ilu's thread about looking for her biological parents started me thinking, and superman's thread about his dad made me think even more.

So here's the deal. I've never had a good relationship with my mother. She was never a very caring mother, and when we were 11, she walked out without saying goodbye, leaving us with our abusive alcoholic father. Two years later he got arrested, and the welfare contacted her to take us. She refused, electing to sign us over to the state instead, so we went into foster care. I haven't seen her or spoken to her since I was 11 years old.

Now, yesterday I wrote to superman that meeting his father can at least get him some closure, and it struck me that that is exactly what I want - closure. I want to know why she abandoned us like that, and perhaps even get an appology even though it can't give me back my lost years. Why didn't she care enough to at least find us a safe place to stay? Or is there some other reason? I have to admit that, thinking back at her behaviour in many instances, I suspect that she may have suffered from some sort of mental illness.

So, I'm thinking perhaps I should try to find her, even if its just to ask her some questions and finally after all these years get some answers. I have no intention of ever building a mother/son kind of relationship with her. She's never been "mom" to me, and I don't see her ever becomming that. What bothers me most is that she's already rejected us twice, and I have no reason to expect a third time to be any different. Also, I don't even know if she is still alive...

So, do you think its a good idea look for her? Or should I just let it go - after all, I've survived without her for 27 years and I have a feeling that I'd only be exposing myself to getting rejected a third time...

[IADad]

hmmmm, I don't know if anyone can tell you what to do, you're going to have to decide that for yourself.

Obviously the question is, "if you find her will she ignore you and if so, why?

You know regardless of the reason she abandonned you, there's a high likelihood she regrets it. It could either be that sh'ed relish the opportunity to see how you came out but equally she could fear having to 'face the music." I'm sure she might respond to any inquiry from you as "on no, now he's ready to get even with me."

So, here's my suggestion.

Figure out exactly what you'd want to accomplish by finding her, make a list. Figure out what reactions you might have to what she might have to say and figure out what you can and can't deal with. If you find her, present her with what you want and what you're preapred to do (in summary) so that kind of sets some ground rules. If she won't meet with those conditions, then you probably don't want to see her. Does that make any sense?

good luck

[superman]

shit thats a hard one. its ddifferent from my situation b/c my father found me instead of vice versa. i just wouldnt want u or anybody to be set up for a let down....again. i guess u gotta consider if she did reject u the third time; would u be ok with that? or do u think it would further the hurt you already got now. just weigh out ur options man is all im gonna say.

[singledad]

superman - you are completely right. I know its kinda pathetic at my age, but I really don't know what I would do if she just turned around again and said no thankyou, not interested. It would hurt, I think, but I don't know how much. That is why I haven't started looking for her yet. I am weighing my options, as you say.

IADad - excellent advice as usual. I like your idea of laying out the law before anything else - then if the day comes she will know what I want from her, and I will be about as prepared as I think anyone could ever be for such a situation. You've given me a lot to think about. I think I should also discuss this with my brother before I do anything, since if I do find her, her reaction will affect him too.