Grumpy 18 yr old

[NancyM]

My son is going to be 19 this month. He has always been a happy pleasant kid, until.......he turned 18. OMG I don't know who he is sometimes.

Moody, grouchy, sarcastic, eye rolling, down right snotty!! Is this something I should worry about or is it a normal part of adolestnt.

I've heard other parents say the teen years are the worse, I guess it caught me off guard because he never acted like this before.

Any advice?.

[sbattisti]

Well, it's CERTAINLY a part of adolescence.

That said, it doesn't mean you should ignore it or accept it. It could mean he's having trouble at school, or with friends. It could mean he's upset about something and doesn't know how to express it. It could mean his friends act that way and it's rubbing off on him.

For me, I guess the bottom line is I'd talk to him about it. In a neutral way, but if he's crossing lines (being outright rude, or whatever your particular limits are), I would be sure to let him know that it's not acceptable.

But I'd be more interested in finding out why he's acting that way. He may not even be aware of it.

Good luck!

~s

[NancyM]

Thanks Sbattisti.

[sbattisti]

I should add, for me, these are really two DISTINCT discussions. I personally would approach him first in a supportive way, point out that he's been behaving peculiarly, and ask him if there's anything wrong, or anything he'd like to talk about.

Then, at a wholly separate time or possibly at the end of the supportive conversation if the mood seems right, I'd discuss the negative aspects of his behavior, how it affects you, and your expectations for his behavior with you, and the rest of your family.

I did that recently with my 15-yo regarding my thread about Facebook profanity, and it worked out pretty well. The key is, teenagers are naturally defensive and resistant to criticism, so if you start with that aspect of it, he's going to clam up.

Just my two cents.

Steve

[NancyM]

Now, Max is a really bright kid. And when he was young I always encouraged him to use his words if something bothered him, and not to keep things inside. That worked when he was little, but as he got older, he kept bottled up.

Today his grandmother lives with us, and she has always been a hateful nasty woman, Max doens't like her and has always kept his anger inside.

I suggested that he may want to see a therapist last year, at first he said no but just about 2 months ago he decided he did want to see one.

I was happy for him because I believe everyone should see a therapist it helps a lot and all of us need someone to talk to.

Of course I'm not a part of his meetings, but every now and than I ask him how the therapist is and max said the guy gives him good advice. Ok great.

Anyway now he tells me that the Therapist thinks he may be depressed. My concern is I think it's to soon to be prescribing meds, he really only saw Max about 6/7 times.

I think Max is down sometimes, but nothing that would cause me to worry. I just assume it's normal teenage hormones. He has friends, has a girlfriend and goes out with them, he just joined Martial Arts, goes to college and goes hunting and fishing with his father, and I see him happy as well.

That's why I'm asking about the moody grumpy side of teens, isn't it normal? Do you think I should talk to his therapist? I'd like to know what makes him believe that Max is depressed out of the ordinary.

Or should I stay out of it, and let him try the meds and see if he feels better?

[Rhea]

I'm in my early 20's so I've only recently left the moody teenager years. I remember them... well, not so fondly, but I remember them.

Girls seem to hit peak moodiness around 15-17 (as was the case for me and my best friend), while boys seem to hit peak moodiness around, you guessed it, 18! Just something I've noticed. As soon as the girls come back under control, you lose the boys.

This sounds normal to me. I did the eyerolls, dressed in lots of black, didn't talk much to my parents, and if I did I was a smarta..lec. I was depressed as well, but I really think depression at this age is more hormonal than anything else. Think of it like PMS, but not quite that intense and all the time! The depression was gone by my later teen years and 20's.

If my parents had suggested a therapist to me (I think they did once), I would have reacted very negatively, but I'm also extremely independent and don't enjoy opening up to strangers.

Part of it is that 18-year-olds are coming into their own. We don't really want to be living with our parents at that age. And we don't necessarily enjoy their company that much. Which is not to say we young moody people dislike you, it's just that we've lived with you for nearly two decades at this point. We want breathing room. We want to be around people our own age, so we can forge our independent identities with our peers.

Then he'll move out. And he'll realize just how expensive rent is. And he'll be bright and cheery toward his parents from then on.

I do love my family very much, but there were certainly moments back then where it was just "*pant pant breath* Get away from me and leave me alone!"

It doesn't necessarily come from being in trouble. I was an honor roll student every single year/quarter. I went to college early. I never smoked, did drugs, or got in criminal trouble. I did all my homewor-- well, I did all the homework that was important, anyway! It was seldom an external problem causing my moodiness. Just those teen hormones and the desire to be independent.

It's hard to suggest remedies for it, because it usually just takes time, but obviously you have to tell him to shape up if he's being legitimately insulting. We can be moody and we can pout around the place, but sometimes we still need a good scolding for when we're really acting up! I don't think I even noticed some of my nastiness from time to time. Just because I was obsessed with my own brooding.

Depends on the kid, really. Establishing open communication helps. Less from a 'parent' angle, which may feel condescending to him (it would to me), but in more of a friendly way.

I would not recommend meds, just because I know a lot of teens were given them when I was in my moody stage, and they were made all the worse from them. One girl lost tons of weight due to not eating, another had bad mood swings from the drugs, another just became unbearable to be around....

The depression usually clears up on its own after entering college/the workforce. And the hormone storm ending on its own.

[NancyM]

Thank you so much Rhea for your honest reply. You helped me a great deal. I'm kinda old, but I still remember disliking my parents too. lol

That's why I think he has to work it out himself, to me he doesn't seem abnormally sad or depressed, like I said he works goes to school has a girlfriend, and just joined marshal arts.

Every now and than he gets a little snotty, not often. When I asked him why he's acting like that he got very deep and even began to tear up, telling me that he's always sad, no one really likes him, he hates college, He hates being 'smart' because it's freakish, and he doesn't know how to talk to people, stuff like this.

Again I thought most of this is age related, and even though he's academically highly intelligent, he's still immature in the social development area. most of his friends are older than him even his girlfriend is 3 yrs older. That doesn't sound to bad, except it does make a difference when your friends and gf can do things you can't do yet. It's like he's always chasing behind trying to catch up to them.

I tell him it will get better with time, just give yourself a break and remember your going through changes, blah blah blah...he gets mad at that stuff too. lol

I'm afraid he's telling this to his therapist, and since he doesn't know my son to well of course it sounds like he's depressed.

So I was just thinking how many people think he's going through hormone changes. Right now he's playing his music waiting for his girlfriend and was chatting with me all day.

[IADad]

Sorry to come to this so late, don't know how I missed it initially. I don't know about the hormone thing. I really don't think boys experience that as much as girls. But I think it's not at all age unappropriate. Sure he's struggling with who he is, who he is becomming. I think the best thing you can do is help him through the drama. "Nobody really likes him?" Oh, really his girlfriend doesn't like him? What is someone paying his other friends to be around him? He "hates college" what about college does he hate? I mean there are thing s I hate about my job, but if i weren't here, I'd hate the drive I'd have to another workplace, and I'd miss my friends here, and I'd certainly hate not having a paycheck if I didn't have a job at all. So, these things are all relative.

Has he thought about taking some time off? Now, I'm the last person to advocate for taking time off from school, I think it's extremely dangerous, the risk of not ever going back to finish is so high, BUT, if he hates it, if he's in danger of dropping out or otherwise just not finding his way then maybe he needs some perspective? Seeing how others live, giving something of himself might give him some valuable life perspective. If he's a churched fellow, then maybe some kind of mission work, or the peace corps etc. I'm not advocating any one thing as the answer, but I think you get my point, get out see how fortunate he has it, learn something about people, in short live some real life before returning to school. Just a thought.

[NancyM]

Thanks IADad,

I'm just concerned about him being medicated for depression, when he may be just going through normal moody teen-age adolescence.

Max had a lot of things happen to him between June of 2009 through now, I think these changes in his life did have some effect on him, but I'm not so sure it's depression.

What about me talking to his therapist, any thoughts? Max is 19 so I think I need his permission. But still, I'd like to voice my concerns before they make a final decision about medicating.

I

[IADad]

hmmm, well, you'd certainly need his permission, and I wonder if it would interfere with his therapy. I mean part of the reason he can confide in the therapist is he knows they won't talk to anyone about what he says. Now, if you go to Max and ask, ?before they put you on anit-depressants, I want to talk to your therapist, so I can understand why they think this is the best course of action." Setting up exactly what you want to talk about, and maybe even doing it with him present might be good, that way you all understand equally, it creates a "let's all work on this together" front.