do you think our relationships effect our kids?

[superman]

spiked my curiosity when my son started askin questions this weekend about mine. i never had a dad who i looked up to so i didnt learn any bad habits he had...... and i mean relationships as in our love life. i dont neccesarily think my lifestyle is bad, but you know.

i think i may have given him some bad info... but i was just answerin him truthfully.
do u think our kids lead by example in that sense?

[singledad]

One thing I've learnt from my brother's kids (who are quite a bit older than mine!) is that the see everything you do, and everything affects them. Everything you do and say around them shapes their perception of people, and life in general. Its quite scary, really...

[stjohnjulie]

Yes, yes, and yes! They are learning everything from us in the beginning. As they get older, they have more outside influence, but they still tend to be a reflection of the people who "raised" them.

I've often looked at my son and his behavior and seen a mirror of myself. It's a HUGE wake up call!!!! Even though it might have been something that I was aware of in myself, sometimes it's ugliness doesn't present it's self to me until I see it in him. I have learned a lot about myself from being his mom. I have found a lot of things that I should work on in myself. I always am sure to talk to my son about them, and let him know that I will work on being a better person. We are all human, there for we make mistakes. There always seems to be plenty of room for improvement!

[superman]

ah man.... that is kinda scary in some respects. reality is better then sugarcoating still.
stjohnjulie.... its crazy as hell aint it?

[mom2many]

Yes, in the beginning we have the biggest influence on our children. As they get older our influence lesson's and they really start to come into themselves, the core lessons we teach our children are always present in who they become but they start to see life from their own perspective's and points of views.

I try to always answer my children's questions honestly, although age appropriate. I also try to never give just my opinion but what others opinions might be and let them decide for themselves what they feel is right. It's hard sometimes but well worth it.

[NancyM]

Yes I believe everything that goes on in our adult lives effects our kids. That's why it's so important for you not to bad mouth his mother. (and her not to bad mouth you)

They don't know anything else but what we put in their little heads. And they trust us with their lives completely. It's such a big responsibility.

I think you should be honest with him like you are, but just keep the answers short and sweet. Don't add anymore than what he wants to know.

He will let you know if he needs to know more.

It's little things like this that makes you a good parent, like giving the correct amount of info, not to much and not to little.

And being honest without distorting the story in your favor, and with out making him feel like anything was his fault.

He's going to be asking you a ton of questions, and that's a really good sign that he loves and trusts you that much.

[superman]

i dont bad mouth his mom when hes around. dont know where u got that from.

i dont know man i mean like i dont have steady girlfriends.... not like thats a bad thing but i want the best

[sbattisti]

As long as you brought it up . . .

In your other thread, there was discussion about not drinking around your boy. In the same vein, I would suggest that you should NOT introduce your boy to any girlfriends or potential girlfriends until some set time after you've started seeing them. For example, I'm dating now as a single dad, and I won't even introduce anyone to my kids until I've been seeing them for at LEAST three months, and even then only if I think it's going to be serious. In two years, my kids have only met one of my girlfriends. And that didn't work out, which ended up being disappointing for them.

At your son's age, kids form attachments VERY rapidly, and for him to be exposed to girlfriend after girlfriend, only to have them taken away when things don't work out, will be incredibly traumatizing to him, not to mention confusing as all hell. Mine are 15 and 9, and I still try to avoid jerking them back and forth like that.

I'm not saying you're doing that . . . you just brought up girlfriends, so I thought I should mention it. This also reinforces the notion that your limited time with your son right now should be just that: time with you and your son alone.

~s

[IADad]

I'll echo the others, yes, the see and remember eveything, even stuff you think you're being sly with. They may not say a lot about things, but they definitely put more pieces together than you think.

i alao agree about ttelling them truthful answers, but the best advice I ever heard on that subject was JUST answer their questions. Don't try to anticipate their questions and provide a lot of information on questions they haven't yet asked. There was a boy in my son's class whose mother had murdered his brother and attempted to murder him, so we were preparing to deal with all the questions that would come from that situtation. The counsleors were very specific about not extending explanations too far. Give them the answers they need and see what other questions they may ask.

[Jeremy+3]

Of course they do, if you think about it you can take a child from a stable family and one who has experienced divorce, they're having two totally different experience upon which they gain their own ideas and expectations about their own future relationships.