At Risk 13 year old female - PLEASE HELP!

[972hernandez]

Where do I start? I have 2 daughters a 17 and 13 year old. Both girls are so different like night and day. The older one is passive, struggles for grades and is shy. The 13 year old is out going, articulate and is in gifted classes. I've always had a great relationship with my daughters but have raised them since infants as a divorced parent. Their father choses not to be active in their life; but does make attempts from time to time and I encourage that.
I've been with my boyfriend for the past 13 years now and about 3 years ago he moved to Tx. I live in CA where we met. For the past years I've traveled back and forth as he has done the same. Last year he started asking me to move out there with him because he was lonely. He told me it was a great place to raise the girls. Well 6 months later I talked with my kids and family members (grandparents); and the elders wished us luck. I was going to move out in march while my kids finished their year out in school through may living with my grandparents. This would allow ample time for me to find a job and for him and I to get a bigger place for us all. Well 1 month after my departure from CA to TX; my grandfather passed away he was diagnosed with cancer about the same time that I left. I came back for funeral arrangements. My grandmother was concerned that the 17 yr old was having difficulty focusing in school as me and my girls have never been separated. I decided tot ake the eldest back to TX with me. 3 week later I got a call from the school counselor of my 13 year old. My girl caught me totally off guard. She attempted suicide, failed and the day after confided in a friend., who then went to a school administrator and notified them. When they checked her person they also found razor blades and a first aid kit. I drove 24 hours to get her and take her back to TX. After talking with her she told me she was sad from my grandfathers death and I believed her. Thought me and taking the eldest was probably the cutting edge for her. The razor blades were her friends who is a known cutter and she would try and clean her up when she did this? Honestly, I was just fearful for my daughter. This side I've never known her to be. My god, what's happened to my family? By May I had both daughters residing in TX. No insurance, no job and money was diminishing. Well come to find out my 13 year old experimented with another girl kissing and had a relationship with her. When this girl knew she was moving to tx in summer she started telling her peers about "their relationship". Kids started taunting my daughter and I'm sure this put her over the edge along with everything else (death, my absence, etc). She seemed to be doing well. Then in August our home was foreclosed and we ended up moving back;however we moved separately. I'm residing with my grandmother still unemployed and unable to support myself and my kids, no insurance. Well school started but I had my daughter transferred because of the incident prior. Thought this would be her "new beginning". 3 weeks ago., i've noticed she was making her own decisions coming home when she wants, lying, and is obsessed with appearance, always sleeping, withdrawn, her grades have gone from a's and b's - d's and f's. She's hanging out with some boy. When I catch them and approach they separate and he's gone. I asked who is he and she says a friend. She's stays up late at night and when everyone is asleep gets on phone. I've already had to get rid of the house phone and only 1 house phone with my grandmother. Last week I went to school, because I'm seeing a pattern that I don't recognize and don't know what's going on. I know she's troubled and confused. She's having a identity crisis. She tells me she's bi-sexual. i tell her I love her regardless but for now she's not ready physically or emotionally for a relationship. You experimented once it doesn't mean your gay or anything. Right now you need to focus on your education your only 13. If your being pressured., you need to talk to me. I don't understand what your doing why you don't listen to me and do what you want with no regard to our home and rules. i find out after going and speaking with counselors that this boy is an acquitance from her old school. Then on monday, I get notified that she never went to school. She claims to have been in a vacant lot all day because she was afraid she didn't have her homework for her 1st period. (lie). She works on her homework every day for hours. And I'm sure she wasn't alone when she ditched. Then I fijnd out on Tuesday that she walked to an area; where her old school is at . About an hours walk. This was the last straw for me as a parent who can't control her 13 year old. I had her hospitalized (even with no insurance); drug and alcohol, pregnancy tested. Thankfully everything came back negative. PET team was contacted and she was evaluated. They decided for her to continue her school counseling. I'm just totally lost and confused. She won't talk and just says she doens't know why she does these things, she's confused and she's bi-sexual. I'm not used to having a kids that pays no attention to what I tell her is expected of a 13 year old... but I hope this counseling works. The only other alternative is possibly residential if their unable to assist her in these counseling sessions.
PLEASE HELP and RESPOND if you or someone you know is going through an identity crisis like this.... I just don't know what to expect anymore from her.

[singledad]

Disclaimer: I have zero knowledge/experience with parenting teenagers, but I was a troubled teen myself, so I know a little bit about what it feels like from her side.

First - The one thing that jumps out at me every time I read your post is her suicide attempt, and mostly the fact that, except for you moving back none of the other factors that contributed to driving her that far has been resolved. IS SHE SAFE? She tried once - she could try again. You just don't go from suicidal to OK in a few days... That really should be your first priority right now - to prevent another suicide attempt. Please don't be offended - I don't by any means think that you don't care, I just think that people don't always understand the state of mind of someone who has reached the point where taking your own life looks like a solution.

I read your post and I see a young girl in a massive amount of pain, who doesn't know which way to turn for answers. Perhaps that is where you can start. She is confused about her sexuality, and even though I agree with you that she is too young for a relationship, your sexuality goes beyond relationships. It is part of who you are, and if you don't know where you stand with it, it makes it almost impossible to figure out who you are as a person. Have you considered perhaps looking for books, or even websites that could give her information to help her figure out where she stands?

I guess the hard part is that at her age, you cannot fix things for her anymore - she has to fight her own daemons. So what can you do?

You can show her unconditional love. By all means enforce your rules, but make sure she knows that you are unhappy with her behaviour, not with her, and that the reason you don't approve of her behaviour is because she is putting herself and her future in danger.

Then stop talking and listen to her.

And if she says she is confused about this or that - try to help her find an answer. I'm not saying that you should have the answer - only that you should make an effort to help her find the answer.

Let her know that you still believe in her, and her ability to get her life back on track and make you proud of her again, but do so without deminishing her present struggles.

I wish I could give more specific advice, but I can't. I just remember what it felt like to be scared and confused and unable to verbalise it, and on top of that feeling like you are being punished for being unhappy...

[stjohnjulie]

I've been thinking and thinking about your post and I just don't know what to tell you. This is a very rough situation. I too am particularly concerned about the suicide attempt. This is a very hard time for young women. Hormones are crazy, they are going from childhood to adulthood, things are very confusing for everyone. I was very depressed for the better part of my life and suicidal at times as well. I don't know what anyone could have done to help me. I guess just knowing that someone was there, could see my pain, and tried to help me find solutions, would have helped a lot. I never told my parents what was going on with me until I was in my 20's. They didn't see it...and that made me feel very isolated. I guess the only advice I could give is, be aware, and don't think that this will go away easily or quickly. Tell her you can see that she is in pain and that you want to do everything you can to help her to get through it. Wish I could be of more help.