Wife still sleeping with 1-year-old

[Quatrix]

By "co-sleeping" I'm not talking about a toddler occasionally sleeping in the parents' bed or a baby sleeping in an attached bassinet. My wife and 1-year-old daughter sleep on a full-size mattress on the floor every single night, literally. There's no room for me either, so I've slept by myself in our bed the vast majority of the last year.

I get various responses when I talk to her about it. Sometimes she insists that our daughter won't sleep in her crib, but she's only tried a handful of times. But she's admitted to the pediatrician and me that she's afraid of our daughter growing up too fast, getting independent, and leaving her. She wants to keep her close as long as possible. Her sleeping habits aren't helped by the fact that my in-laws (who watch her during the week) pick her up and carry her around when she makes the slightest peep. They won't let her learn to sleep on her own, and I'm outnumbered three-to-one.

On Monday we learned that my wife is pregnant again (through IVF, not surprisingly since we don't sleep together). She plans to sleep with the 1-year-old until she gives birth and then start sleeping with the new baby again, finally putting the toddler in her crib or maybe recruiting my mother-in-law to continue sleeping with her on the floor. My wife insists that this is all completely normal and that everyone she knows does the same thing. I guess a husband and wife sleeping separately for 2 - 3 years is "normal".

To be fair, she grew up in another country in an extremely small one-room home where she had no choice but to sleep with her parents until she was a teenager. She says that because she allegedly sleeps fine now as an adult, there's no problem with it. She (my wife) DOESN'T sleep fine though; she wakes up at 2 or 3 AM every night and can't get back to sleep until 6 or 7.

HELP!

[Xero]

You will find varying views on this from different people. I am a co-sleeper, and it has nothing to do with the way I was raised. I was always in my own crib/bed from day one. I have found that co-sleeping however holds an extreme amount of benefits for my son and my family. It is healthy for babies for several different reasons, and it is a comforting and bonding experience. I could explain in detail my reasons, but I wont for now.

Its a little different for us though, DS co-slept with US (not just me) for about the first three years of his life. Just after turning three, he was all of a sudden willing and ready and excited to sleep in his own bed, so I let him. He sometimes comes back to our bed if he isn't feeling well or has a bad dream etc but otherwise sleeps on his own now. Up until then though, DH and I shared a bed like any married couple would, and DS slept next to me on my side of the bed, with a bed rail to keep him from falling out. So DH was never forced to sleep alone or anything, and when we knew we were interested in doing husband and wife type things, after he fell asleep we would just carefully move him to his own bed for that night. He would most of the time never wake up and it usually never bothered him. Every now and again, a few hours later, he would wake up and cry to come back with us or just get up on his own and come back. Which we were fine with because at that point we weren't doing anything. Co-sleeping is a really natural thing, and IMO there's nothing wrong with it. The problem is that you and your wife need to be on the same page, which might require some adjustments. Hang in there, you guys will work it out.

The Benefits of Co-Sleeping

Benefits of Co-Sleeping | PhD in Parenting

[mom2many]

Sorry but I am not gonna be any help here. I co-sleep with my little ones and have not slept in the same bed as my husband in years. I don't even sleep in "our" room when he works (graveyard). I have 8 kids and have co-slept with every single one of them. I know that at some point they all will be comfortable moving into their own bed, but it will be when they are ready. Right now my 4 year old and 1 year old sleep with me. Not always the 4 year old, but he can when he wants, sometimes he even sleeps with his dad. However not a single one of my teenagers do.

"Normal" is different for everyone, this may not be how you envisioned parenthood, but I can say it is probably a lot more common then you think. The United States is one of the few countries that does find it unusual to have a family bed or some variation of it. So your wife is more then likely right.

I wished I could offer advice, and I am sure someone will come along with a different opinion but for now...I'm with the wife.

[IADad]

Ya know, I don't see anything wrong with her co-sleeping, I do kind of find her attitude about her child grwoing up to be a little troublesone, but it's early.

I think that we have no greater obligation to our children (other than to keep them safe) than to prepare them to be independent. If we don't prepare them for the world, how can we expect them to be happy and prosperous in it?

so, when you say "still." I don't know that it's exactly time to set off the alarms that she's doing anything unreasonable. Will you daughter sleep with you? I don't know how normal it is in co-sleeping to shtich off parents, but just thinking maybe part of your feelings are that you're being left out? DW and I lay down at bedtime with both our boys, we trade off who gets whom, sometimes we fall asleep with them, sometimes we leave before they fall asileep, and we're finding that while they are a little attached to this while they are young, the older one is growing out of it, he will go to sleep on his own now, if we need him to, and while he's not the most socially flamboyant kid, he is socialable with his peers, interacts approproiately with adults, in short is socially a pretty normal kids, so I don't think co-sleeping will cause any problems as long as your wife understand that she also needs to help your little one spread her wings too. I'm guessing she knows that, that's why she's "admitted it." So, instead of fighting her on it, can you find a way to join in and then you can be part of the process to transition her to other sleeping arrangements when they make sense.

Perhaps your wife isn't thinking about the future enough and perhaps you're worrying too much about it, consider just enjoying the "now" a little more.

[stjohnjulie]

Originally Posted by IADad

I think that we have no greater obligation to our children (other than to keep them safe) than to prepare them to be independent. If we don't prepare them for the world, how can we expect them to be happy and prosperous in it?

I agree with IADad 100% on this. And I think that this is the part that would concern me the most in regards to your wife. Being a new mom is something special, and it's ok to 'miss' some of the things about having a little baby, but the things that she misses should be replaced, in a sense, with all of the new accomplishments a developing child has achieved.

I am a co-sleeper too. I have a 2 month old who is mostly sleeping in be with my husband and I. I also have a 9.5 year old who I slept with until he was about 3. Sounds like you are feeling a little left out. Also sounds like the two of you are not having sex. Just because you co sleep doesn't mean you can't have sex. You just have to be more creative....but you actually have to want to have sex. So, is that the problem? She doesn't want to have sex? Because that would be a real problem for me! It's an important part of a healthy relationship in my opinion.

[TabascoNatalie]

people sleep as they find comfortable, but i find this part quite alarming.

But she's admitted to the pediatrician and me that she's afraid of our daughter growing up too fast, getting independent, and leaving her. She wants to keep her close as long as possible.

that's plain selfish. a child isn't a toy.
it sounds like your wife is quite obsessed with her role as a mother, and quite forgets that she's also a woman and a wife. talk to her, talk to her more.
but that's just my opinion.

[gmamma]

I’m actually quite surprised to see that so many people sleep with their babies. I am a single mom of 2 children. I REFUSED to allow either of my children to sleep with me. I had a friend that became a new mom. She refused to listen to most advice given to her. She decided that the best place for her daughter was by her side at all times. She slept with her baby for 5 months. Her maternal instincts kept her sleeping habits in line with her daughter. Until June 12, 2008. Her body was so exhausted from the lack of sleep that her body over-ruled her maternal instincts. She smothered her daughter early that morning. She was one of my best friends. I tried to console her. Nothing helped. She committed suicide on the one year anniversary of her daughters’ death. I don’t know for sure what happened to her husband. He left town shortly after.

That was very difficult for me to write. It’s still very painful for me. I’m fairly sure, though, that your wife has been informed of the suffocation risk involved in her choice. I’m not saying that it WILL happen. I’ve known other moms that have done the same and their children are very much alive.

You said your wife doesn’t want to “let go” of your baby. There are also many psychological issues you may soon face. I worked in a day care center for a few years. For the most part, there we no issues with the children being brought to the center. It was near a military base so the children coming in usually stayed for a year or so and moved on. I met many different types of parents with different parenting styles. The most problematic children were from households that insisted in coddling and over-protecting. They followed the philosophy that nothing bad can happen from “loving” their kids too much and babies shouldn’t be allowed to cry. Their children were always held, always entertained, and had any and all demands met immediately. I watched temper tantrum after temper tantrum. Those children weren’t given the freedom to discover their world on their own. Everything was handed to them. They learned quickly that all they had to do was pout or squeeze out a few tears and they got whatever they want. They became the master of the household and they knew it. Some children developed an attachment complex and would start screaming the minute their parent(s) walked out the door and wouldn’t stop until they came back later that afternoon. I had to call several parents to pick up their child early because the child screamed until they made themselves throw up. Also, I have seen some children that seemed to feel solely responsible for their parent(s) happiness. That is alot of responsibility and guilt for a child to carry. I have even met some adults that can’t make decisions on their own because their parents have coddled them and made all their choices for them. Your wife is afraid of your child growing up. I just hope she understands what is happening to that child because of her insecurities. There are articles she can read and classes she can take to help her let go.


Now, as for you being outnumbered….Is it you and your wife’s house, your child’s house, or the grandparents house? The grandparents shouldn’t have any say in how that child is raised. Yes, they are the grandparents. They should be respected for their experience and opinions. However, they are not the parents. Grandparents should spoil their grandchildren but they shouldn’t have enough pull in your household to tell you how to live your life and raise your child. Unless of course, they are paying you child support and were right there in the bedroom helping that child be conceived. (Sorry for the sarcasm. That’s a touchy issue with me.)

As for your loneliness in bed, the only thing I have to say is I hope you realize the strain you BOTH are putting on your marriage. I say BOTH because you also have a say in how your child is raised. You are allowing it to happen. You are agreeing to her stepping out of your marriage and using your child as an excuse. Yes, it is well known that having a child changes things in a marriage. But it is up to BOTH of you to keep the marriage going and fighting for it. I made that mistake already. After I had my kids, my marriage was not the same. Our marriage died a slow 8 year death from lack of communication, no time together, and concentrating mainly on the kids instead of balancing the marriage and the kids. We both are at fault for that failure.

I’m not an expert by any means. I can only tell you about my experiences and opinions. Take them as you will. I hope I’ve at least given you a little different perspective on things. I wish you the best. Good luck.

[Dadu2004]

I am not a co-sleeping advocate...quite honestly, I think it is much more detrimental to both the child and the parents than it does any good.

Just a couple of reasons ('cuz I dont want to write a novel) is that it interferes directly with the relationship of the parents. Part of a healthy relationship is alone time with eachother...both emotionally and physically. Having a child in bed with you obviously prohibits that. Another reason is that the child will become less self-sufficient and constantly rely on "mommy and daddy" to soothe and comfort when attempting to sleep.

Personally, i don't see co-sleeping as beneficial...obviously I'm in the minority.

[Xero]

gmamma - That's really sad about your friend. I have heard of instances like this myself, for sure. The problem there is that people need to know the definition of SAFE co-sleeping. It is not always safe to sleep with a small baby right up against you in bed, and I think people should be really careful with that. At one year old however, this woman's child has no chance at all of getting suffocated by mom, that just does not happen. Small babies, usually under six months old, have a sad statistic surrounding them and involving unsafe co-sleeping. Past that age, the chances get lower and lower and by a year old the possibility of accidental suffocation due to any kind of co-sleeping are basically non-existant. So this kind of situation actually doesn't apply to the OP.

That kind of situation also does not apply to parents who practice SAFE co-sleeping. For babies under six months, a co-sleeping parent should most of the time be using products that make co-sleeping safer. Such as a bassinett, a snuggle nest, or an Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper. Those are all really great tools for keeping co-sleeping safe during those first few fragile months.

Snuggle nest:


Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper:



With my son, I had a bassinett and a snuggle nest. This baby will have a snuggle nest and an Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper. I have no worries about unfortunate accidents. Its just like anything else. And sadly, just as many babies if not more statistically die of SIDS or other accidents in their own cribs, in their own rooms every year as they do UNSAFE co-sleeping. Hence, the nick name "crib death". So there's really no fool-proof answer. People putting their kids in their own beds/rooms are putting their kids at just as much risk as the people who are unsafe co-sleeping.

[Xero]

Dadu - You're not in the minority! Lol, the funny thing is that this forum has a strange amount of co-sleepers on it. I am part of another forum that is much much bigger (thousands and thousands of memebers) and honestly the general consensus is that their babies will and do all sleep in their own bed in their own room. I know there is a lot of good reasoning behind it. I think its all about what is best for you as an individual and your family.