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Old 03-08-2011, 10:33 PM   #1
onlyme
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Default What do I do about disrespectful adult daughter?

Ok folks, now that I've got to 5 I can post my problem with you guys.

My daughter, Christina, is 21 years old. She's our only daughter, stuck in the middle of 2 older brothers and 2 younger brothers.

I thought it was "odd" that she would say, as a child, "I'm the middle finger." But really, that's Christina's attitude!

She's always been a handful. ALWAYS! Grammar school wasn't bad but middle school came and I was always being called to the office because she had hit someone or was just being down right dirty (mean) to people.

There's a lot that could be said between now and then, and maybe sometime I will get to it, but not now.

Anyhow, Christina is a beautiful girl. A strong head on her shoulders but a down right nasty, spiteful girl. She doesn't drink or do drugs of any kind. She is strictly straight edge. And so is the daddy of her son, who she is with. They do live in seperate towns because he is still in college. He gets down as often as he can and she goes up there as often as she can. I do understand that that causes her a great deal of stress.

She had her first child at 17, a child she left in my custody for 7 month while she went to the town where the current BF is now. They've been together since she was pregnant with her first child, but he's not the biological father.

She would have stayed longer than the 7 month, but he kicked her out. And it's because of the way she acts. Her hatefulness and plain, bullshi*! They never actually broke up, but gawd the things I've heard.

She moved back in with us (me, Eddie and the boys and baby) but never helped a whole lot with the baby. She said at one time she felt more like the baby was her sister than her actual child. Than she got pregnant again.

Through all this, she put us through a lot of turmoil. At one time, something was going on with her brother and her and her dad tried to split them up. She went bezerk on her dad, throwing him up against a chair, he landed on a piece of plywood and actually had a herniated disk because of it. Then she would brag that she broke her dads back.

Towards the end of her 2nd pregnancy, it was my turn. Meaning, it was me she turned on. I went to call the BF to tell him to come get her. She was getting abusive and I needed his help. She grabbed the phone, slammed it, broke it, grabbed my hand, and broke my finger.

Finally, my husband called the police. They came, took her daughter into social services and her to jail. I bailed her out. But, I couldn't get the baby back.

Social services gave the little girl to her biological father after deeming him to be the better parent.

She blames me for loosing custody of her daughter. She is still fighting it, and in the meantime, has become a wonderful mother to Emma. And to Danny also. Honestly, I'm glad she doesn't have Emma full time right now. I'm not sure she could handle it. I have seen that she is great with them but gets very exasperated and I don't know if she could handle it full time or not.

The incident with social services, the finger and everything happened just over a year ago. It forced her to finally move out on her own, get a job, raise her family. She has done well. I have to say BRAVO to her for doing so well.

She finally started working in June of last year. So, she almost made it a year at the same place, when she just went off on another co worker and they fired her.

So, she's out of work again and I worry about her.

The only thing I provide for her now is a cell phone. I keep her on the family plan so if she needs anything she has it. My problem is, she does good until she gets stressed and than I'm the one she takes it out on.

I asked her today, through txt message, "do you have anything lined up for work"

her response "why don't you get off my f$&^ing back, quit trying to make my life miserable" with the F word thrown in again.

This is not the first time, nor will it probably be the last.

I go nuts when I don't hear from her and than I feel bad because I asked the question in the first place. I wind up crying and apologizing to her in which she'll be beligerant again. She'll be like that until she needs something and then she's sweet as sugar until she gets what she wants and I continue to fall into the trap of thinking she's changing.

I'm just lost. I really need some support from someone of trying to let go. I love my daughter, but the grief she causes me can be just too much. Help!! Advice, support, please!!

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Old 03-10-2011, 01:38 PM   #2
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Default Re: What do I do about disrespectful adult daughter?

I'm sorry no one has replied to you. I don't have experience with this, and I'm no expert, so I don't really feel comfortable advising you. However, it sounds like there must be some aggression issues, or perhaps something hormonal (and I'm not talking about female hormone issues.)

Unfortunately, there is not much you can do, as I see it. But I would not enable her in any way. That's very easy to say, I know, and takes the will of a heartless beast do. But you can love her unconditionally while not accepting any abuse from her or giving her opportunity to get away with the kinds of things you have described.

Good luck.
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Old 03-10-2011, 02:14 PM   #3
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Default Re: What do I do about disrespectful adult daughter?

I don't know either, honestly I have had some rough spells with my oldest girl but at 18 she has (for the most part) calmed down and "grown up".

If she continued or acted like your DD I honestly would do nothing for her until she could treat me with the respect I deserve, the same thing that I did when she was a teen.

Now having said that I think your DD has some anger issue's and may benefit from some counseling.
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Old 03-10-2011, 02:36 PM   #4
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Default Re: What do I do about disrespectful adult daughter?

This reminds me all too much of how my Dw's brother is. He's now 40, and acting much the same way toward his parents because they never broke the chain. As much as it hurts, you are probably making things worse by helping her out. The thing that makes it different is that there are children involved, and I'm absolutely stimied how she can be a wonderful mother to anyone, but I'll leave that to you.

Does she want your help with her anger? You can't help her if she doesn't want help. Maybe it's time to say, "You're on you own, I can help you get counseling help if you want it, but that's it. I'll take care of the kids any time I need to, always know there's a place for the kids, but it's time for you to be responsible for you."

Not sure that's what you wanted to hear, but it seems like the best answer long-term.
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Old 03-15-2011, 11:55 AM   #5
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Default Re: What do I do about disrespectful adult daughter?

Sorry it took so long to get here.

Wow. I know this is easier said than done, and I'm sure there's more to it than this, but I agree that you need to let her go and fend for herself. Only because of the way she treats you. She BROKE your finger and pushed her father. (and jokes about hurting him) That's really bad.

You will never change her... have you considered getting counseling for yourself and husband? It will help you to be strong, and will also convince you that she has a serious problem that you can not fix.

Truthfully, I would be afraid to leave her alone with the kids, seems like if she gets ticked off she explodes, kids tick us off all the time but we can't explode at them.

I'm also afraid that if you tell her you will take the kids anytime but not her, she may hurt them out of spite. I don't know.

If she's not taking drugs or drinking than her random personality shifts are concerning. She would definitely benefit from counseling as well.

keep us posted.
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Old 03-17-2011, 08:28 PM   #6
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Default Re: What do I do about disrespectful adult daughter?

Counseling for sure... Sounds a little Bi-Polar IMO...
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