Stepmother problems

[lovebeingamum]

Sorry for what is going to be a lengthy post.

I have 3 children with my ex husband and one with my current husband. Their father and I have joint custody, and the children split their time between us as that is what they wanted.

For a while this worked out fine. Their father and I were able to communicate with each other and discuss matters concerning the children.

The children were introduced to her without my knowledge and had been spending a lot of time with them. I only found out about her when my oldest daughter M called me up crying saying she hated that they had to stay at this woman's house all the time, they just wanted to go home or come to me.

I was angry he hadn't even told me. This was someone that was being introduced in to my children's lives. When I met my current husband; I made sure their father had met him before the children did.

He seemed pleased that this had upset me, and told me if I wanted to know what was going on when they were with him I should sign up to her forum.

I signed up, and that was just the start of so many issues.

She listed my children as hers, and made many posts to slander me. Every day there were posts saying I didn't want my children, that I wasn't capable of taking care of them. I couldn't defend myself because she was in complete control of the forum of course, so funnily enough my posts never made it through.

People found out who I was on there, I assume she told them and so they started to be abusive towards me. They believed all the horrible things she was saying about me. At one point, while I was pregnant with my youngest child, I was stopped in the supermarket and abused over the things she had been saying about me.

I started seeing posts on her site saying that the children were taken to a&e, but when I asked why they needed to go she just told me it was none of my business, the children didn't need me any more.

I tried to talk to the children's father about this and he just said she was their mother now as far as he was concerned.

Other things started happening. Whenever it was my turn to have the children he wouldn't be there and would send me a text saying too bad, he was going out. She banned me from talking to them on the phone.

When I was planning my wedding to my fiance, both their father and the step mother said that the children couldn't go. I said that she had no right to tell me my children couldn't go, and he said that they could go but only if I made his partner a part of the bridal party.

Unfortunately, having joint custody we would both have had to agree to them coming, so I had to give in on this one and endure having her as my maid of honour just to have them there. I have to admit, it was incredibly hard for me to do this. I had so much anger towards this woman and it made me sick to see her going around my wedding, taking over everything once again.

I decided it was time to take things legal when she went to the girls' school and said she was their mother, and was turning up to their school events. It was clear to me that both the father and this woman were trying to push me out of the children's lives and I just wasn't having that.

She gave my then ten year old daughter a Facebook account and I was not happy with this. I made it clear that I wanted M to stay off Facebook. I assume she told her friends because once again the abuse started. I was getting messaged on her forum by male friends of hers saying they had befriended M on Facebook, and they didn't care what I thought.

At this point I was still waiting for a court date. Then I got an email from my daughter's email address that she was in control of. It was full of horrible things saying I was a terrible mother and that taking their father to court was taking the food out of their mouths. The way it was written and the spiteful things that were said, it was clear to me this was not really from my daughter.

When I showed my lawyer, he decided to try and push for a mediation. At the mediation it was decided that we both still had joint custody and shared care.

The mediator said she did not believe the email was written by a ten year old, and that it was obvious this woman was trying to create a divide between the children and I, so the father needed to make sure this did not happen by not allowing her to have as much say as she does and not to be involved.

He doesn't stick to this at all. My lawyer said I can't do anything about her legally as she is his partner, all I can do I ask him to play nicely which he won't do. The courts don't seem to care about what goes on, only to establish a legal agreement of custody.

The children have started to doubt my love for them now. When it was my turn to have them and I had to take them back to their father for his turn I said I was going to miss them heaps. My youngest, N, said to me 'you are? daddy said you don't care about us.'

There are other things too; they said that he makes them feel as if they are betraying him by wanting to talk to me. That she forces them to call her mum and says it is disrespectful for them to call her by her name. Whenever my parents or myself buy things for the girls. she takes them off the kids and gives them to her children.

Now I am finding myself going back to a lawyer again. The children have said to me that she is mean and doesn't treat them the same as her children.

Whenever they have been with me, she contacts them on a Twitter account she made for them interrogating them about me. I discovered this when I was checking up on what M was doing on the computer. I asked her what she was doing and she told me.

K said they are not fed properly and she has started hiding food in raisin boxes under her pillow when she stays with them. When their step mother found out she hit K and called her a little b***h.

Their dad bought her some flowers and she became angry, threw them in the bin then threw a vase at him. They said they hid behind the couch because they were frightened.

She has posted their birth certificates online, and when I asked her to remove hem she refused. They were only removed when my lawyer told her to remove them or action would be taken.

When it was their father's birthday the children happened to be in my care, so they asked me if they could buy him a present. I wasn't going to say no, so I paid for a present they chose for him. The next time I had them they said she was furious and screamed at them that it was not my place to be buying presents, it is hers. She forced their father to throw their present away.

It was my turn to have them for Christmas (the one just gone) and she told them that because they were betraying their father and spending it with me they weren't getting any presents.

She feeds egg to my daughter N (who is allergic to egg) and doesn't put any cream on the eczema she gets as a result of eating egg. When they came back to me on Friday her eczema was really bad and was bleeding.

K hurt her arm at school and asked to be taken to the doctor and they said no. A week later it was still hurting so I took her. The doctor said she had sprained something and needed some support for a few days. She went 'home' and their stepmother took it off straight away and told her she didn't need it as she was lying.

Their stepmother blames me for them not doing their homework while in their care. I have taken photos and made copies of her writing in M's homework book that her 'lazy ass' mother is to blame for not doing the homework.

I went to the school two weeks ago as I was a bit concerned about the younger two. It was the week they were with their dad. The school agreed with my concerns and as it was morning tea time the principal suggested I see them for morning tea.

The children had obviously told their father they had seen me at morning tea because the next day the school got an angry letter off the step mother saying they had no right to let some stranger in to see her children and that she had a legal agreement saying I was not allowed near her children without her permission. The school asked for proof of the legal documents which they have yet to provide as they do not exist.

It really frustrates me that I can't do much about it. She is trying to poison the children against me and wants me out of their lives, but the law doesn't seem to care about all these kinds of issues, only setting up a contract.

The children said they miss their dad, they they hardly see him anyway. Their time with him is mostly with her. I cannot understand how much control she has over their dad. As M put it, it's like she mind controls dad. I miss him.

I just don't know what to do about it any more.

[singledad]

Originally Posted by lovebeingamum

The children have started to doubt my love for them now. When it was my turn to have them and I had to take them back to their father for his turn I said I was going to miss them heaps. My youngest, N, said to me 'you are? daddy said you don't care about us.'

There are other things too; they said that he makes them feel as if they are betraying him by wanting to talk to me. That she forces them to call her mum and says it is disrespectful for them to call her by her name. Whenever my parents or myself buy things for the girls. she takes them off the kids and gives them to her children.
...
K said they are not fed properly and she has started hiding food in raisin boxes under her pillow when she stays with them. When their step mother found out she hit K and called her a little b***h.
...
When it was their father's birthday the children happened to be in my care, so they asked me if they could buy him a present. I wasn't going to say no, so I paid for a present they chose for him. The next time I had them they said she was furious and screamed at them that it was not my place to be buying presents, it is hers. She forced their father to throw their present away.

It was my turn to have them for Christmas (the one just gone) and she told them that because they were betraying their father and spending it with me they weren't getting any presents.

She feeds egg to my daughter N (who is allergic to egg) and doesn't put any cream on the eczema she gets as a result of eating egg. When they came back to me on Friday her eczema was really bad and was bleeding.

K hurt her arm at school and asked to be taken to the doctor and they said no. A week later it was still hurting so I took her. The doctor said she had sprained something and needed some support for a few days. She went 'home' and their stepmother took it off straight away and told her she didn't need it as she was lying.

So, in a nutshell:

• she intentionally tells them lies that she knows will hurt them and alienate them from you.
• She screams at them and calls them names.
• She hits them.
• She withholds food.
• She intentionally causes medical problems (allergies)
• She refuses medical treatment.

That is called child abuse - emotional, psychological and physical child abuse.

I suggest you file for full custody immediately, on the grounds that your children are being abused and their father is doing nothing to protect them from his partner. As their father it is his job to make sure that his home is a safe and happy place for his children. If he can't or won't do that, then he doesn't deserve to have joint custody with you.

Make notes of everything that happens, with dates and times. Take photos of the eczema, keep doctor's reports and all correspondence with the school. Make screen grabs of what is posted on-line about you and your kids. If you have proof of all these things, and unless there is something you haven't told us, you should not have a problem proving that their home is and extremely harmful environment for you kids.

As for them seeing their dad again - you can consider supervised visitation. I would insist on it being supervised, to ensure that he doesn't allow her near them when they are together. He is obviously either incapable or unwilling to protect them from her.

I know this sounds harsh, perhaps even cruel, but believe me - missing their dad will hurt a lot less them being abused like this.

[xox.ilu.xox]

^-----THIS. I agree 100% with SingleDad. This is child abuse!! i hope you are able to get this all worked out!!!

[artistinspired]

OH people like this suck! i know what you are going through!

What a horrible woman, she should be ashamed of herself, and your EX should be ashamed of himself for allowing anyone to take over his parenting responsiblities in this way. Primary parents are first and foremost the parents of their children. This is psychologically damaging. My ex husband also has a horrible wife. The kids are older teens now, so the fighting is finally over, but she also tried to turn the kids against me when they were little. She was terrible. She would wash their mouths out with soap, put them down. She forced them to call her mom, would screen any calls i had with them, put me down to them and to me.

I had to fight for sole custody of them, and i won. My son chose to go back to be with his father several years ago to be with his dad, i allowed him for HIM, he needed dad time, i still have sole custody of them both. I had to have it out with his father many times, not nicely. I had to put my foot down about it and it was a horrible battle, for years. Always re-afirm to your children, all the time, that you love them and always will, that no matter what you are always with them, and they are with you. No matter what that woman does, deep down they will know that, and they will always love their parents in a way that is unbreakable.

My son still can't stand her, but wanted bonding time with his dad. He's had to fight for it, i had to coach him to have the guts to do it, but he finally got through to him. He is a strong kid, and he knows what is important and what matters. In the long run the only person these horrible type of people truly hurt, is themselves.

good luck, don't give up.

[stjohnjulie]

I'm with singledad too. I cannot believe that a court wouldn't see it the same way. You need to do everything you can to get your kids away from that situation. It's not going to be easy, and it will be a big fight...but start documenting EVERYTHING. If you can get stuff off of her forum that clearly slanders you, you need to do that. Get organized, stay strong, and fight for your kids. What a horrible situation.

[lovebeingamum]

I have requested a lawyer for my children and will be seeing my lawyer this week to write an affidavit.

The children have been afraid of losing their father if I go to court, but I don't want that to happen. I just want that horrible woman out of their lives.

They will get to have their say in what they want to happen, and to be able to tell the court all the things they have told me.

As it is they tell their dad and he doesn't believe them, he sides with his fiancee. They tell me but when they are with him I am not there at the time, so sadly it has to go to court again.

Thanks for the advice.

[singledad]

Originally Posted by lovebeingamum

I have requested a lawyer for my children and will be seeing my lawyer this week to write an affidavit.

The children have been afraid of losing their father if I go to court, but I don't want that to happen. I just want that horrible woman out of their lives.

They will get to have their say in what they want to happen, and to be able to tell the court all the things they have told me.

I know this is a hard decision for you, because you don't want to separate them from their dad, but I promise you, one day they will be grateful that you believed them and that you stood up and fought for them.

When you say that they will have their say in that they want to happen, I understand that you have their emotional well-being at heart, and that is admirable. You should just be aware that they have been subjected to a lot of manipulation /emotional blackmail, and may be making their decisions based on what their dad wants, not what they really want. Little kids have a hard time being objective under normal circumstances. When they have been subjected to this kind of treatment, it becomes just about impossible. I'm not saying you should discount their view - not at all! But you cannot leave the final decision to them. They will very likely want an arrangement that still allows them to go stay at their dad's house, or something like that, and IMO anything that will bring them into contact with the step mother would be unacceptable.

Originally Posted by lovebeingamum

As it is they tell their dad and he doesn't believe them, he sides with his fiancee. They tell me but when they are with him I am not there at the time, so sadly it has to go to court again.

I have to be perfectly honest with you - when I read this last paragraph, my heart broke for those kids. If my daughter's mom and I were divorced and she did this to her, that would be the last time she ever saw my daughter. There is nothing that makes a child feel more powerless and trapped than asking for a parent's protection, and being accused of lying. IMO their dad forfeited his rights as a father when he chose to believe his fiancee over his own children.

You kids are very, very fortunate to still have a mother who can fight for them. Stay strong, and do what you know is best for them. Even if they don't like the final outcome now, they will be grateful in the end.

Good luck.

[lovebeingamum]

I was thinking last night that perhaps they won't choose to live with me. I have a feeling they will ask to live with my parents so that they don't have to choose between living with their father and I.

That's not really an option, so I think they will say they want to stay with their dad.

The reason I believe that is because their dad has made them feel guilty many times in the past for wanting to have anything to do with me, but I don't do that. So the 'easier' option might be for them to say stay with dad so they don't have to go through feelings of guilt or like they did something wrong.

Maybe they would feel like those feelings of guilt would be harder to deal with than what they have to put up with from her.

As it is they see me and their grandparents (my parents) so they get a 'break' from it.

I have tried to be supportive of their relationship with their father, but I have this horrible feeling that it will work against me in the end.

[IADad]

for some reason, in my mind, I had this picture of you sitting down with "stepmom" and settling things and it played out like that scene in Indian Jones where Karen allen drink the sherpa guy under the table..

sorry, if I side-tracked things, that probably wasn't helpful, but It's what came to mind.

[IowaMom]

Oh my....it appears that my ex is married to her evil twin in the states.

Your story is almost identical to mine. The controlling, the manipulating, the lying, the lack of involvement from the father...everything.

I know exactly what you are going through and have personally felt every frustrating feeling you have. It nearly brought tears to my eyes just knowing that someone else knows what I experience. I just can't imagine another person being like this to someone's family. Not that I'm glad you're going through it, but you know what I mean. (I hope)

I have thought the same thing for 5 yrs. Once you are divorced, unless you are horribly unfit as a parent, the system doesn't care. At least your lawyer would get involved. Mine didn't want to be bothered. Nor does my counselor.

I must have put my similar post in the wrong forum. I didn't see this when I looked earlier but I'm new here and still getting my bearings. But wow...yeah...same thing.