Stepmother problems

[singledad]

Originally Posted by lovebeingamum

The reason I believe that is because their dad has made them feel guilty many times in the past for wanting to have anything to do with me, but I don't do that. So the 'easier' option might be for them to say stay with dad so they don't have to go through feelings of guilt or like they did something wrong.

Maybe they would feel like those feelings of guilt would be harder to deal with than what they have to put up with from her.

That is exactly what I meant with emotional blackmail, and why you cannot leave the final decision to the kids, even though it feels like the right thing to do.

Originally Posted by lovebeingamum

As it is they see me and their grandparents (my parents) so they get a 'break' from it.

I have tried to be supportive of their relationship with their father, but I have this horrible feeling that it will work against me in the end.

Ironic isn't it... that being the better person puts you at a disadvantage.

Please don't give up on this... It will not be easy, but I still believe that you should get your kids away from that woman at all cost. What you described is child abuse - plain and simple, even if the kids don't realise it yet. Child abuse does not have to involve physical scars and bruises - the damage to a child psyche is much more painful and long lasting than a few bruises. They may not realise it yet, but they need you to help them.

Once you are divorced, unless you are horribly unfit as a parent, the system doesn't care.

.
That may be true, but in the OP's case, the step mom IS horribly unfit as a parent!

[lovebeingamum]

I know what you mean about being glad that someone else knows your situation.

Originally I thought that my story seemed so ridiculous that it might not seem believable; but it seems I am not alone in this!

When I first went to my previous lawyer to say that the children told me she was hitting them, he put me off the idea of taking it further.

He basically said that because I hadn't witnessed it myself that the kids could just be exaggerating or saying it because they wanted to live with me so I had to be careful.

Whenever I have to take them to their dad's they cling to me and cry and say they don't want to go.

K was running around the house so I wouldn't catch her and make her get in the car. She was crying and saying she did not want to go.

N was also playing up refusing to go. N said she didn't want to go that she would miss me.

M was quite ill with gastroenteritis one time when they were supposed to go back to their father; so I said she shouldn't be traveling. That meant some extra time with me. K said she felt sick the next time and said to me "that means we can stay longer with you right?"

I can't ignore that, it is blatantly obvious they unhappy in his care for whatever reason.

As you say singledad, it will affect their psyche. Their teachers have already expressed concerns to me and their father about it.

In fact, a few months ago I requested that they have counseling via my lawyer. He didn't even reply to that at all.

On a happier note, the school have been more helpful in keeping me informed of events at school when they are in his care. They had been assuming he was telling me.

So I am going to see N swimming tomorrow at school and that will be wonderful

[TabascoNatalie]

your lawyer is an a**hole. you need a good, at least a normal, lawyer.

you are the mother, so your rights are a priority, so assert them. she isn't even yet married to your ex (as much i can understand), so she has no rights over your children.

she plays dirty. you can play dirty as well. as around her neighbours -- maybe people can say nasty things about her. stuff like that. find people who can side with you.

[artistinspired]

Not to get off the direct subject here, but there are three of us in here with this same evil step mother issue. wth is wrong with these women? is there a world wide outbreak of controling a**holes or what?

Are they just so miserable they feel they have to come in and take over?

Question. Do either of your step witches have their own kids? because mine doesn't, and i swear it is like some sort of compensation or jelousy issue. I would never treat a child this way, or their other parent. It absolutely blows my mind.

I bought a law book when i went through this, of course NZ probably has very different laws :/.

The best intrest of the child is the primary thing that matters, period. The first and foremost thing that is in the best intrest of the child, is a healthy relationship with both of their parents. Unless you are a crack head, neglectful idiot or an abusive person, nothing is more important than that, not even finances.

I would try corning your ex's and having a little word, don't play nice, because these situations? are not nice. These women don't get to tell us what to do, or how to be, or bully our children. They are irrelevant.

I gotta tell ya, after i got sole custody my evil step witch actually had the balls, to email me after my ex got transferred over to Korea for a year, to say i should give up custody and send them to live with her while he was gone because she could do a better job of supporting them. I flipped out. I didn't even respond to her, i sent it to him and screamed at him. He defended her too, what a moron. I could write a book on everything i went through, what a waste of time and energy.

[lovebeingamum]

In my case she has two of her own children so you would think she would be busy enough taking care of them to be an interfering witch, but apparently not!

My ex husband's new partner seems to be VERY controlling. Even before she was actually dating him she would be annoyed that he was having anything to do with me.

I was having lunch with him to discuss something about the children and she called him up. She actually asked to speak to me when he said he was having lunch with me.

She told me she was jealous that he was with me because he normally called her up at lunchtime. She was married and still with her hubby at the time too!

Since then she has asked me if I still love him and did I think we would get back together, so I am thinking that she is incredibly insecure and controlling so he acts this way towards me to 'prove' he doesn't have feelings for me.

My kids have said she mind controls him. On one occasion they hid behind the couch scared because she threw a vase at him.

I don't know what it is but she is one of those people that thinks everything is theirs if they want it.

While moving out of the marital home we put our belongings in a storage unit. We both had a key to it, but he took all of our stuff and put it in his new home then said I was not welcome in his home.

It was pretty annoying that he essentially stole all my property, but in there were the photo albums I had made of the children, the ring my grandmother gave me before she died, the chair my grandmother gave me also.

I kept asking for my stuff back and I kept getting a no, so when I went to a lawyer about it I got back my baby book that was completely destroyed, they had taken all the photos out of the albums and just given me back the albums which were now broken for some reason. My clarinet which was also ruined, underwear that wasn't even mine and was all moldy, some metal junk from their car and some children's shoes.

They just gave me a bag of junk; obviously it was to make me mad.

I think that what has happened is they have sold all my stuff to pay for their wedding.

She took my property and is trying to take my children. I told him in an email a few days ago I was not going to put up with her interfering and telling the children lies about me, and if it did not stop I would have to do something about it via legal means.

SHE emailed me a response. I didn't even send it to her address. He hasn't responded at all so I am wondering if she checks his emails out first and decides if he gets to see them. Wouldn't surprise me with how controlling she seems to be.

I emailed her back and asked her not to contact me again, that I would deal direct with the children's father or via my lawyer.

Perhaps they are jealous of us always having some kind of bond with their partner because of the children?

Whatever the reason I just want her horrible influence out of their lives.

[IowaMom]

Wow...she really is a vile woman!!!! And he's just as bad for taking things that clearly are yours (the ring for example). Of course we all know that if YOU played by those games it would be TERRIBLE!! My hear really goes out to you. I know what this is like.

In my case....she has no kids. Can't have in fact. I don't think it bothers her. She has a very big sense of entitlement and that's not just my opinion. Others have noticed it too. It has always been about her. She gets fired from about every job. The last one was for running her mouth to her supervisor. She hasn't had a job for over a year...and we live in an area with plenty of employment. She was married, but her ex cheated on her with her cousin. She has a weight problem. So...there's a source of insecurities. She is all about perception. She is always dressed to the nines. Always has a complete set of matching jewelry and not a hair out of place. God forbid she be her natural self once in a while. The kids have to dress up to go to McDonald's. My ex could have cared less about what he wore. His favorite attire was camo. He is now her personal Ken doll...donning all the latest Harley attire head to toe. Living in a small community, I know people who know her. And even her family battles with her and goes in spurts of not talking to her and even some of her friends have mentioned to people I know that she's very pushy. It's just selfishness.

The counselor told me that most likely everything comes from a deep sense of insecurities. It's always been my belief that only people with no control feel the need to exert the most control. They are in a sense, fighting themselves when they fight with us.

I do know the one thing that I can do that drives her NUTS!!!! Don't give it to her. When she emails me and disagreed that I grounded my 14 yr old for saying TERRIBLE VULGAR things to her 11 yr old brother, I told her I didn't care if she agreed. My house, my rules. When she started slinging mud at me personally and told me I'm not a perfect mom. I told her that all parents know they are not perfect. She tried again and and again. I could practically see the veins popping out of her head in the email. She has to get under your skin to get control. When you don't give her the battle...she actually loses control. It's quite fun. LOL

[artistinspired]

wow ladies, this is going to sound wrong probably, but when i went through this for the last ten years, i honestly thought no one could possibly be going through something like this. it felt horrible. So i guess what i'm saying, is while we might not be able to solve each others issues, it is sure nice to know that others understand what it is like.

I tried to play nice, for a very long time. It didn't work, i had to get mean. I have not now, at this point, had a phone conversation with my Ex husband or her for going on five years. lol...because i put my foot down about his wifes behavior, and his own. we communicate via email, only.

The stuff thing: They still have my hope chest, that was a gift, from my mother when i graduated highschool. A few years ago i finally got her to send my journals back, dating all the way back to highschool and forward. The skin crawling humiliation of knowing that she had read them, made me sick. She admited to it, and after used a few things against me with it, actually let me say, she TRIED and failed at using things against me with it.

I lost so much also, it really stung, i sucked it up later to it just being stuff, and at least i not only reatained a great relationship with my kids, but they are healthy, happy and thriving.

My circumstance all started when i belived me and my ex had worked out our differences, then he married her with out my knowledge. She screened my phone calls with them, had them calling her mom and me by my first name, and when it was time for them to come stay with me that year (we were doing on and off years). They said no, you can't see the kids. It really goes on and on. THAT was when the legal battle began for me having sole custody.

My son went to stay with him by choice many years after i won custody, and that summer when they were overseas, and he had promised to send him back, he refused. He flew my daughter out there for a visit (guam) and i get an email later, supposedly from my ex. Turned out it was her pretending to be him, and when i called her out on it (this was the last phone call) i got a lot of excuses and bullsh*t, now i can't even trust communication between him and I because i'm almost 100 percent sure it is her. Our own daughter is afraid to type online to her dad with out video, because she doesn't trust that it is his wife pretending to be him.

She is a munipulative, horrible wench. She put my son down for years, he finally at 15 started fighting back. So far so good. I only just this year allowed them to go back overseas. He is happy and really enjoying himself.

I sent my son a christmas card with an itunes gift card, overseas is sketchy but it was just a card. I can't proove, but he never got it, and i can't help but think she checked the mail and threw it out. she is just that evil.

I wish you both the best of luck, i'm very grateful that my nightmare is on the tail end, but i wouldn't wish this type of thing on anyone, ever.

[IowaMom]

I totally understand your point about others going through the same. I would have never dreamed in all my years that there was another woman like the one I deal with in the world. Today I know that there are a LOT more insecure women in the world than I ever imagined.

[lovebeingamum]

Another weekend of hassle with the stepmother.

I have had to contact Twitter and Facebook to ask them to remove accounts she has made for them.

They are all under the legal age of 13 and she has blocked me from seeing their tweets or from seeing any content on their Facebook accounts.

Recently while at my mother's house my oldest was caught talking to the stepmother on Twitter. She was asking her questions about me.

I really don't like that they have these accounts where I don't have any say or control over who is talking to my kids; or that these accounts are being used to interrogate my children about me.

M told my mother that she was sick of her dad and stepmother blaming me for everything and asking them all these questions. M said that they even ask her how many showers they had while they were here, did I brush their hair etc... Absolutely ridiculous.

One things in particular about those accounts was I was not at all happy about one friend they all had. I will refer to him as J.

J has previously worked with the kids' father and happens to be a friend of the stepmother. In fact, they met each other through him. Nothing wrong there so far.

Well, the site that the stepmother runs is a parenting site which is quite laughable given how she treats my kids.

J is a member of this site and is a single male who has never had a relationship with an adult, male or female and is almost 40.

He shows a lot of interest in children however. In fact, members of her site had asked her to remove him from the site.

This happened because he was downloading photos of their children, and had commented to one woman that her children were so pretty he had put a photo of them on his desktop as his wallpaper.

The mother and others felt this was wrong and sounded a bit dodgy. The stepmother said no, we were all just reading too much in to it.

Years ago, when my oldest was younger and I was still with their father; I had gone to see him at work and J was there.

He instantly went to M and was taking photos of her, and has been using a picture of her drawing as his avatar for a few years now.

This makes me feel quite uneasy about him. It's not like he is taking photos of his own children, but of others.

Maybe I am reading too much in to it, but he makes me feel uneasy and I don't want him talking to my kids.

I tried to talk to their dad about it and he just shut me off saying the same as the stepmother. He was just an odd person.

The next day J messaged me telling me he did not care if I didn't want him talking to the kids, he had the stepmother's permission and that was all he needed. So obviously my ex had told him what I had said.

Am I really being unreasonable about it?

[IowaMom]

Well...she's home. Wow. That's all I can say.

Youll have to bear with me because I'm still crying.

She came home...with a HUGE smug look on her face, emptying out the things she bought shopping today. (She was also at a friends house today). AND went out last night.

While she had the smug look on her face, I asked her "what did all the shopping and going out teach her about consequences". After ALL the drama she created about being grounded...only to get to go out.

She was so proud of herself and a complete B. Then I caught her texting step mom "mom's going nuts". So I took her phone.

In looking at her phone....she was texting a boy Tanner...talking in what I think to be a humor context but sexual all the same...about shaving personal parts.

So....rather than say, I proved....and FWD them to her father. Both from the boy and from her. I got no response. But then I got a text from Stepmom that said....

"Hey r u wanting those messages to go to your dad?"

ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? She's got these text messages and step mom is running INTERFERENCE like a friend?? O M G Then I got another message...

"Dad's just laughing cuz he knows whats going on at your house"

I have no clue if he saw the messages or not. Maybe he didn't and step mom is previewing his phone. I dont' know.

But...whether they think it's funny or not. I don't. And I can't take this anymore. She hates me. I get it. She doesn't want a relationship with me. I get it. They don't care what she does. But I can't raise her like this...always being poisoned by them. So they can be together.

I'm going to ask my ex tomorrow (when step mom not around) and ask if him if he really cares or not about those messages. If he knows, she's all his. Maybe even if he does care. I don't know. I can't raise her. I've tried. It's a battle I can't fight anymore. I'm so spent. Let them let her run wild and deal with the fallout. Because I can't. I can see in her face how much she hates me. It's not even an "in the moment" thing. It's always there. And I can't live with seeing it for another day. And I can't live with making her miserable. So her dad can raise her for a while and see what it is really like when she has rules. Maybe what we need is space.

They have finally broke me.